the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, December 26, 2005

World's cutest bloodsucker

Four days without definite plans has allowed me the dubious luxury of excessive television viewing. Twice, people, two times I got to watch General Hospital real-time. Which, come to think of it, is a huge pain in the ass, as I can't fast forward through the commercials. But it's the principle of the thing, you dig? It's like, ha! I don't have to watch GH at 4:15 when it's gone all stale, hell no - I can watch it fresh and crispy at 3:00 p.m., just like god intended.

Somewhere along the way, though, I accidentally switched to one of the educational channels, and was rewarded with a program about vampire bats. I'm actually kind of a bat fan, so I found it fascinating to watch the little bony buggers go about their business. Then they showed something that boggled my mind on several different levels. As the cameras rolled, a sleeping man - I would hope and assume this was a willing accomplice - was set upon by two vampire bats, who bit his neck and proceeded to feast on blood. Apparently, the bats have a venom in the tongue that administers an anaesthetic to the bitten area so that the victim doesn't feel the extraction.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. How could this sleeping, bat-bit guy volunteer for any such thing? How could the film crew just stand there and not feel compelled to shoo the bats away? How could I sit and watch this with such rapt attention? What the fuck was wrong with all of us?

And then they made my day.

The announcer intoned about how the bats will, in one feeding, drink blood equivalent to 50% their own body weight. At that point, I noticed some extra infrared action on the screen, and the voiceover confirmed my best/worst suspicions with the added information that the bats must urinate continuously during feeding to make room for all the fresh blood. Yes, the bat was pissing all over the sleeping bloodfest dude. I started to howl with laughter, because nothing makes me happier than finding something else I can add to my ever-growing list of Insult to Injury. It's a hobby. Shut up.

It's been hard for me to think of anything else all day. Pissing vampire bats. Even Jack Hannah didn't trot out such finery when he was on Maury Povich for a whole hour the other day. At first I laughed, because that's what we do when we do not understand. But then I started to think about it from another angle. How could I make fun of the bats when I had not truly walked a mile in their hairy little feet? What if this wasn't some source of perverse pleasure on the bats' part, but rather, an embarassing affliction that the little guys just can't help? Should we really cast shame and scorn at these poor victims of their own incontinence?

This poor li'l dude can't help it. Would that sweet little face piss all over you on purpose?

This fellow's obviously so happy to see you that he pissed all over the place. Are you gonna be the cruel cocksucker who tells the little sweetie that it's not okay?

This bat is just learning about the horrors of urine + gravity.

You can tell by his facial expression that this poor fucker almost didn't make it.

You gonna be the one to look into this face and say "Hey! It's not okay for you to pee while you feed."?

Forget sympathy for the devil...let's just show some love to the pissing bats, y'all.

25 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

This explains so much about Batman and now I know who to send my cleaning bill to.

Fucking pissin superheros.

9:09 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

That's really why he keeps Robin around - somebody has to be the pee-spot scapegoat.

9:17 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

or the one to replenish the urinal cake when it gets stale.

9:28 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

"Urinal cake" - two words that should NOT go together.

9:34 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Y'know, if these guys appeared on General Hospital, they could order 'em a Foley catheter - stat! to be served with their meals to stop the embarassing little leakage.

9:46 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I think they are really cute! I love bats. I am holding a huge heavy one while it is flapping it's wings on my flickr account. Unfortunately though, we are not allowed to keep bats as pets in Aussie land.

10:01 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

The Cotillion is so incredibly educational!

11:36 PM, December 26, 2005  
Blogger Jim said...

First of all, I had no idea Batman took a leak every time he ate a ham sandwich. I'm going to be looking at "The Justice League" with very different eyes from now on. I'm going to rent Batman Forever and see if Chris O'Donnell really gets into the whole watersports aspect. This was a great post.

Btw, who knew there were drag queen vampire bats! Go girl! *snap*.

12:10 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Okay, I got it:
Everybody pees;it's just when it comes to these creatures, peeing time is apparently when feasting on somebody else's vital fluids.
I'm good with that, now here's my question:
Do bats fart? How bad would it smell? I mean, they drink blood.
And if they are hanging upside down and let out a loud one, does it echo in the cave, and does the stench from the SBD's rise up to their nostrils like natural gas and knock them out?
Inquiring minds need to know...

1:40 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Ahh! Thank you Bucky. I just watched the video through the link that you sent me. How wicked was it! I had to watch it three times, just for good measure. Clever girl!

5:01 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down.

6:56 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

My heart is completely stolen. I can always make room for a new hero, and I, too, have a soft spot for bats (much to their delight). Thousands live in the rocks and caves around my house, and they feast at my pool at sunset. It's particularly thrilling to be IN the pool as they swoop down.

About 30 years ago I was on a loooong road trip, taking 3 months to move from New York to the Norht West, with all my belongings in and on the old station wagon, in Oakie fashion. At a rest stop I discovered a tiny baby bat had gotten stuck in the roof rack. The journey had done the poor little thing no good. I spent a couple days trying to nurse that baby back to health, but didn't suceed. On Day 3 little batty bit it.

It was a sad day around the ol' campfire...

8:02 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

What creature on this green earth could NOT benefit from Bucky's Photoshoppin' skillz? They are cuties, though.

9:10 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Pissing bats.

Wow, you went all out on the Christmas Spirit this year, huh Bucky?

In other news, the urine + gravity photo reminded me of when Big Boy was a newborn and mastered the art of peeing in his own face. Of course, that was just after he'd mastered the art of peeing in MY face.

Good times.

10:10 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Nupe. Sorry. I draw the line at bats. I'm not wild about having a FISH on my kitchen counter. How do you think I'd feel about a bat? Not a big bat fan, that's me...

Ladybug, your comment made me laugh! :)

10:16 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...


MilkMan must be of the bat family, as the Bacardi goes in...well, you know. ;)

11:14 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Eclectic - hell, on GH, some hotshot miracle surgeon could come on and fix the bat's peeing problems in one tricky and highly emotional operation. But, of course, not until the new surgeon had antagonized and then won the heart of the plucky head nurse...

Kylz - I dig bats, too. Last time I was at Lincoln Park Zoo (Chicago) I spent entirely too much time in the little bat-cave area they have, watching these big ol' bats interact with the person cleaning their area. I just love bats! Those little faces...

Mrtl - you know how adamant I am that everything be educational. Coming here is like school. In another dimension. Where the grass is purple and farts smell good.

Jim - you know Chris O'Donnell is TOTALLY a water-sports boy. That Robin outfit is waterproof, you know.

M_D - see, the thing is: bats don't fart unless they are in flight. The peeing they can't control; the farting, they're totally the master of that. It helps with their aerodynamicism.

Kylz - glad you liked the vid! I don't know if you saw Opera gal's comment on the last post, but it appears the movie player for these is a Flash application, and you must have Flash 8 installed on your PC. So she tells me!

Mr. B - yeah, but what about the vessle with the pestle?

Emily - awww, baby bats melt my heart. I'm so sorry yours didn't make it, but it's so nice to hear about someone who would take the trouble to try nursing it back to health. That is incredibly sweet!

Squirl - see? They were cute before I ever got there. I just...well, I can't resist putting makeup on critters (and Kevin Bacon). It's a sickness.

LadyBug - see, stories like that make me put my aching childless ovaries right back in my pocket where they can do no mischief.

CKelli - I have to admit, I'd be taken aback if a bat appeared without warning in my house. Outside, though, and not as surprises? I love 'em.

MilkMaid - I knew there was a reason for the bat on the Bacardi label. Caution: consuming this product will cause you to urinate uncontrollably.

11:58 AM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

You know who that last pic reminds me of?

Kevin Bacon

2:24 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

LadyBug - not too many degrees of separation there, huh?

2:29 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

It's now the vessle with the pissle.

4:29 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

First, you can't fool me. That last one is Kevin Bacon.

OK, now I read comments, and I see that LadyBug sees it, too. She is an astute one, that LadyBug.

I always like the idea of adding insult to injury. So, if I want to offend someone, I can say, "I will drink your blood and pee on you!" No, that sounds like a tagline for the Cotillion.

5:35 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Yeah, I had to install it, but that's ok. It was worth it!

10:16 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger Amy said...

Bucky, you are overdoing it on Christmas sweetness. Seriously.

10:56 PM, December 27, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

That pic with the bat upside down and pissin... reminds me of a still photo I saw, entitled, "Tub Girl." I'm sure if you Google "Tub Girl," you'll stumble upon an image:)

Ahhh gravity, ain't it a bitch!?

11:05 AM, December 28, 2005  
Blogger Kat said...

The Kevin Bacon bat made me laugh so hard I almost, well, pissed myself.

4:16 PM, December 28, 2005  

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