the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Call me Tiffany Epiphany/SPF: CSI

Hard as it is to fathom, sometimes commercial television can spur me to deep thought.

Just now, I overheard the following exchange on an ad for Judge Joe Brown:
Plaintiff: He beat me constantly, he beat me with my son in my arms.
Defendant: She never lets anything go!

Well, that set me to ponderin', in a deep, reflective, and self-absorbed kind of way, and I had the following epiphanies:

  • I'm so glad my mom didn't snort homemade meth behind the trailer while she was pregnant with me.
  • If it weren't for the uncouth and shameless, there'd be a lot less television programming available.
  • That level of stupidity seems to be genuine.
  • Now I'm even more frightened than I was a minute ago.
Now, moving on from frightening to just plain disturbed, I have participated in Stuff Portrait Friday this week, but am posting tonight as I have no idea what blogging I'll be able to sneak in around work tomorrow. The SPF theme for the week is Crime Scene Investigation, and Kristine has asked us to show:
  • The weapons
  • The victim
  • The crime scene
The tale that's about to unfold in front of you is a sordid affair, filled with lust and greed, desire and revenge, superstition and bloodshed. No, sorry...that's just my day planner

All I got is monkey.

The Weapon:
The Weapon
Yup. It could only mean mayhem when the Monkey of Doom was trotted out into the town square.

The Victim:
The victim
Martydom comes easy to the Narn. Still, G'kar didn't seem to see it comin'.

The Crime Scene:
The crime scene - long shot

The crime scene - close up
Ritual death by monkey butt. The Homies are a cold-hearted lot. Poor bastard died with a face full of rhesus rectum.

37 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

First! Wait, that's not necessarily a good thing to admit, is it?

9:55 PM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Death by monkey butt! That's pretty gruesome.

Oh, and, second!

10:06 PM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

electic - ESPECIALLY when death by monkey-butt is involved.
Have any of you ever read the ramblings of the infamous JWZ?

He once did an essay on monkey butter that I will repost here:
Darin and I were sitting in a restaurant, and he said, ``So what's the origin of `monkey butter,' anyway?'' The phrase ``monkey butter'' being one that had been coming up in conversations quite a bit lately.

``Well, it's like this.'' I began. ``I was out to dinner with some friends, and someone said something about goat cheese. And I said, `I don't think I've ever had goat cheese.' And my friend said, `sure you have, feta is goat cheese.' I had no idea. All these years of eating feta, and I had not a clue that goats were involved. Imagine.''

``So,'' I elaborated, ``That got me thinking. You don't hear much about dairy products from other mammals. Like, say... monkey butter.''

Darin said, ``but would that work? Monkeys aren't ruminants.''

I said, rather more loudly than I intended to, ``So what? They lactate, don't they?''

I looked up. Oh, hello. ``Uh... are you ready to order?'' our waitress asked.

10:32 PM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Are you sure it wasn't a combination mercy killing/ prostate exam?

Monkey butter is good on toast. :o)

11:09 PM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

My work collegues just asked me what I was laughing at, I was laughing that hard. Nice ;)

11:29 PM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Bucky, the outcomes of your deep, reflective, self-absorbed ponderin’ could easily lead me to contemplative thoughts and I can’t afford that tonight because I have hired someone to come tomorrow to clean my house for Christmas and so tonight I have to stay up and clean my house.

I wonder if monkey butter could be used to hasten the entry of the murder weapon?

11:36 PM, December 01, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a sick, sick, child!

11:37 PM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

Wow, it must be a time for self reflection. I've been deep in thought too.


I think my favorite part about this, is how everyone is just watching happily as the monkey ass claim's its victim.

12:25 AM, December 02, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is sick.

You are a menace to decency and the public good.

You will be hearing from my attorney about this blatant attack on good society you have commited here today.

T.T. Boy Sanchez
League Of Moral Bloggers

12:29 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Careful Boy Sanchez - she might enjoy that. Is your attorney cute ;)

12:37 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Um, your monkey has a man shaped muffler coming out its back end, just so you know...

That might totally clog up his tailpipe....

8:29 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Peanutt said...

Death by monkey butt is hilarious!!!!

8:47 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oh man... no one should have to go like that...

8:58 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger TheStolenOlive said...

Now. All I have to say is...

Did that monkey live in the WhiteHouse?

I played.

8:59 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Mmmmmmmm, monkey butt.....

9:02 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Madame D said...

See, now what if he was just giving the poor monkey a prostate exam, the monkey having had an extra hard time with the whole 'draining the lizard' process lately, when along comes those foul heathens in the background to shove him towards certain sphincter doom?
Maybe it's all just a horrible, tragic accident?
We'll never know...

9:05 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger ALRO said...

Y'know.. sometimes, you scare me!

But really - how much different are your epiphanies than the Classic George Carlins language rants...

"You know what i'd like to do .. I'd like to take all those old Wester Movies and replace the work Kill with the word Fuck.. Wouldn't that be something..

"Look Bill, I'm fuck ya good, but i'm gonna fuck ya slow!"

9:19 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Eclectic - first in line for the monkey butt, are we?

Squirl - I can think of easier, less smelly ways to die, that's for sure.

Opera gal - monkey butter comes from monkey teats, right? I'd like some monkey butter on my english muffin.

M_D - I hope he wasn't using his head to check the monkey's prostate!

Kylz - Caution: reading this site will confirm your derangedness to co-workers.

SS Nick - man, I hope there was some butter to ease the passage.

Bear - it's why you come back, innit?

Zombie - those Homies are hardhearted little fuckers. In fact, they assisted the monkey's ass in claiming its victim, then looked on in glee.

TT Boy Sanchez - it took monkey butt for you to rear your ugly little head again, did it? I suppose next you'll put ME on the "too dirty for Google" list. Here, smell my finger.

Kylz - TT Boy Sanchez threatens many, but ends up at home whackin' his own teeny weeny. He fancies himself to be John Lithgow in "Footloose."

Jess - well, if it isn't TT Boy Sanchez' other victim! You like the boot-shaped tailpipes? My monkey is a fast monkey, awwwwww yeah. ;)

Peanutt - oh, sure, hilarious from OUR side of the monkey butt.

CKelli - it's gotta be awful, with monkey butt as your last sight/smell.

FurutreFoodTVStar - uh, er, um, anything I could say would only get me into trouble here. ;)

Spikey1 - should I pencil you in as his next victim?

Madame D - the Homies are vicous.. 'Twarn't no accident.

Alshrim - hahah, I can't say I haven't thought that during a western or two...

10:01 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Bucky, stay right where you are. I'm sending help.

(The men in white jackets will take you to the happy place. I promise.)

(No, the happy place has nothing to do with monkeys.)

(Unless you're into that, in which case, yes, of course it does.)

(Just go with the nice, burly men in white coats, okay?)

10:02 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

JESUS. And before my morning tea even.


10:13 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Nasty nasty nasty....what did G'kar ever do to you?!

Y'gotta see LeafGirl77's CSI crimescene--my fave!

And--I've never heard of monkey butter--I'm scared to ask what it is...

10:21 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Is this where Rhesus Pieces comes from?

10:25 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Froggylady said...

can't post...laughing...way too hard

10:52 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Kate Giovinco Photography said...

That was humourous yet disturbing!

I played!

10:58 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

This is too disturbing for words. Suddenly I have no interest in seeing the King Kong remake.

11:08 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Easy said...

*lol* death by monkey butt!! That's awesome.

I played too

11:42 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Once again, I need new panties.
And that part about you being glad your mom didn't snort meth behind a trailer..
yeh, that happens A LOT around here.

11:43 AM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger the_mrs said...

My side hurts from lauging--that was hilarious!!

1:13 PM, December 02, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

O h my.

I wish I had half of the imagination and wit you do. Well, imagination I have, it's the execution I need some help with.

2:02 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

so according to your day planner, you're spending your day with me?

I actually wonder if we met if you'd be totally normal? Like when I met Pissy Britches who cusses up a storm was all sweet and nice. She couldn't say the word 'pussy' before we broke her.

Bucky normal...does anyone have ANY idea what that would be like?

That's even more scary then the everyday!

2:50 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

I was going to play today, but can't now because this death by monkey butt fried my brain.

3:01 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...


Rectum? Damn near! Killed 'em!!

Now imagine how Richard Gere's gerbil felt!

3:04 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

I promise to get 'round and see everone else's SPF when I get out of work tonight!

LadyBug - couldn't you send men in purple velvet jackets instead? It would just seem more...renaissance that way.

Leafgirl - but not, apparently, before your chocolate. ;)

Effie - G'kar doesn't have to do anything to deserve torture. He's a Narn; martyrdom is what they do.

Mr. B - ding ding ding ding! We have a winnah!

Kat - speak to us, girl - let us know you haven't ruptured something with your giggle fit!

Flutter - "disturbing" is my middle name. ;)

Mrtl - you afraid Jack Black's gonna go up the big monkey's butt?

Easy - I could think of dozens of ways I'd rather die...

Pissy - so what you're saying you out behind the trailer with a clean nose?

The_Mrs - hope you didn't injure anything!

KChia - I'm sure your execution is just fine, hon. I saw the pancake pictures.

Kristine - if we met, I'd probably take you to church, and then for a nice white-gloves tea party, and then if we wanted to be really daring, we could go out and show our ankles after dark. You know, really kick our heels up!

Sierrabella - isn't it the slightest bit better than chilled monkey brains?

Nugget - I have to imagine the gerbils went in before G'kar did.

4:07 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

thank you, I needed that - yup

7:32 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Yes! Winning is GOOD!

Isn't it? I've never won before.

7:36 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

You're scaring me, girl. I really like the idea of you taking Kristine to church.

8:16 PM, December 02, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

How does the monkey feel about having an action figure suppository?

11:02 PM, December 02, 2005  

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