the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, December 12, 2005

I need to close my ears

Why do I always hear this shit?

I was recently shopping, minding my own business, squeezin' the Charmin and thumpin' the melons, when the conversation of three women nearby intruded on my consciousness. Having no desire to be bumped out of my own little zone, the zone where I concentrate on my list and buy things in some kind of order instead of zig-zagging around the entire bloody store, I tried to block out most of what they were talkin' about.

My strategy was successful until one of the women delivered the "What the fuck?" statement of the day:
"Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon."


I continued to shop, but my mind was no longer on my task. It just kept going through my brain, like curry through intestines, Her daugher looks like Kevin Bacon, Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon...just like that episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia dreams about her football-injured schnozz, reliving the moment of impact and the shriek of "Oh, my nose!" over and over and over again. I had lost all sense of direction; I was putting small items in the bottom of the basket and setting the giant bag of dog food in the baby seat, grabbing kosher food when I'm not even Jewish, asking for a carton of Camels when I haven't smoked 'em since the 1980s...I was all fucked up. I drove home, taking a full extra ten minutes for the drive because I kept missing my street, and stared into space

It's been a few weeks, and I'm still staring into space. Her daughter looks like Kevin Bacon. What does that mean? Is it an insult or a compliment? Which Kevin Bacon? Footloose-era Kevin? Wild Things Kevin? Animal House Kevin? Of course, I began to visualize. And what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't share with you, the Internet as a Whole?

Her daugher looks like Kevin Bacon. What would that look like?

Kevin Bacon in makeup
Would she be friendly and wholesome, yet a tad flirtatious, with a Mona Lisa smile?

Kevin is so pretty
Would she be seductive but greasy, and a little bit cheap, yet high-rent at the same time?

Kevin wants to be invited to the next Lilith Fair
Would she be practical, a no-nonsense gal in a business suit with an agenda?

Footloose, in his 18-hour bra
Would she be the kinda playful gal who likes to mix it up, gender bend a little?

Kevin rocks the blue eye shadow
Or would she look like a two-dollar whore who only consented to this interview after being promised cigarettes and bourbon?

More questions: Who would like to be at the head of the mob that comes to my house, all torches and pitchforks, and forcibly removes my Photoshop? And would you be so kind as to complete my lobotomy while you're at it?

51 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Candy said...

That chick is hot. I think I know her from somewhere.

See if you can hook me up...

1:59 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...


Now that's some funny!

Speaking as someone who once photoshopped her face onto Shania Twain's body (and later Sandra Bullock), I can not remove your photoshop. Nor will I be beating down your door, pitchfork in hand.

I will, however, be over here snickering.


2:02 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

LOL -- I swear I didn't see Jess' comment before I posted mine! While, Jess does appear to have some nice maracas, I wasn't... I didn't mean... well. *sigh* I guess I'm going back to work now...

2:03 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

She'd definitely be the one in the fancy shirt with the great cleavage.

Kevin Bacon with cleavage?? Heaven help us.

2:16 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

You don't wear make-up, do you Bucky?

2:24 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Jess - I think you've seen her dancing by the headlights of her yellow VW bug. Stickin' it to the man and all.

CKelli - hey, there's no shame in recognizing nice maracas and celebrating them as such. And fine, fine maracas they are.

LadyBug - I know you secretly dreamed of these pictures. It's okay, hon - let it all out.

MilkMaid - er, ah, well...I really can do a better job than that, but Kevin just WOULD NOT hold still. He's so squirmy when I come at him with the blush...

2:41 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...


That's all I have to say for now.

3:01 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

As my friend, Hoss, would say, Hoo Boy! Oh gosh, that's killing me. So funny. I gotta go pick up my kid now, and stand outside the school door with all the other moms wondering why I keep snorting, then composing myself, snort, compose, snort, compose . . .

(I'm glad to see you got some WORK done there today, Ms. Barzedor)

3:06 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

I shouldn't have come here right after cleaning up cat vomit and eating lunch. I think I shall puke.

3:24 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

OMG. Oh. My. God.

I vote for the $2 whore.

3:24 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Ohgosh. First, Kevin Bacon is a very sexy man, IMO. Let's see . . . in the first one, he's got sort of a Jamie Lee Curtis thing going on. Yea, he's OK as a daughter in that one. The others, just a leeeeetle bit skirry.

Let us all pray for . . . well, you know who ;)

Oh, and CK, under what circumstances were you putting your heads on people? I mean, your head on peoples? I thought I knew you...

3:53 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Circumstances? Purely virtual circumstances, I assure you.
I'm a good girl, Susie...

4:25 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...

Honestly? After seeing you purty up Mr. Bacon, it made me realize he would make a great stand in for Tim Curry's character in that Rocky Horror flick.

4:38 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

I dunno... Circus Kelli's comments got me thinking that perhaps Kevin shoulda done Shania's song, "Man, I Feel Like a Woman."

5:18 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Mahala said...

That's just damned skeery.

5:51 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Nina said...

ROFL, ROFL, ROFL . . . please let Bucky keep her Photoshop, I can't stop laughing.

5:56 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

Personally, I think these photoshop sessions indicate that your lobotomy was completed years ago...

As for Kevin Bacon, I've always thought his facial features resembled an anorexic pig. His last name should be a hint, no?

6:04 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Maybe she actually said, "Her daugther looks like Kevin's bacon." Which would of course completely change things.

7:39 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

That first one looks like my favorite "Executive Transvestite" Eddie Izzard. Now HE is funnier than FUCK. If you aren't familiar with him, rent one of his DVD's.

Hi, I found your blog while I was looking for pictures of hemorrhoids that resemble Kevin Bacon. I am going to bookmark your site. Check mine out and tell me what you think of my latest penis enlargement technique!

I figured you might be missing blogspam :)

7:48 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

She is gorgeous!

8:08 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Amy said...

Too great! the doctored pics of KB! Reminds me of being in grade seven and me and my BF Sandy Stachura used to take magic markers and put beautiful 80's makeup on EVERYONE.

That Brady Bunch episode. Yes.
Remember the one where Cindy went on the kids quiz show and just stared at the camera?

8:15 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

Pure genious! I need photoshop. I don't think Santa will bring me one because he is afraid of what I will do with it. If he relents, will you give me lessons? Stacie

8:16 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

That was a Lewis Black moment, right there.
For those of you who do not know, Lewis Black is a comedian who is funnier than sh--, but here's what he once said, to paraphrase:
He was sitting at IHOP and heard the following phrase
"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have finished college."
It blew his mind. Did the same things you did, Bucky.
Just thought you should know.

8:38 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Squirl - are your whiskers still twitchin'?

Susie - now you see how productive I can be on my lunch hour! All this around a chicken wrap with Doritos.

Mrtl - hey, you know we're all about pukin' here!

Jim - thanks for the vote of confidence! Oh, wait...

Susie again - yeah, I can see the Jamie Lee thing. And he does look wholesomest there. As wholesome as possible with the cheap makeup I was applying.


Nugget - think KB could be a sweet transvestite?

Eclectic - I'm sure Kevin burns up karaoke night with that one...

Romani Heart - then I've done my job correctly. ;)

Nina - so that's one more vote in favor of Kevin in makeup?

Ghost - good point about the lobotomy. And about the anorexic pig...not that there's anything wrong with that!

Mr. B - yes, that would make it all better.

Michele in Mich - I will have to check Eddie out sometime, now I'm intrigued...
And, um, you forgot to leave a link for that penis enlargement thingamabob.

Kylz - she's the prettiest girl at the prom!

Amy - I still love to do that to pictures in magazines (what a surprise!). And I know more about the Brady Bunch than I will admit in public. ;)

Stacie - but of course! Always happy to corrupt the innocent...

9:09 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

M_D - I LOVE that bit (and Lewis Black in general). Doesn't he go on to say that this explains aneurysms?

9:10 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Uh-huh. Sure did.

9:24 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Spikey1 said...

Got to go with the $2 whore of course for me but with the exchange that is like $20.50!

9:50 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

You could parlay them photoshoppin' skeels into somethin'. I jus' knows it.

Sadly, that girl will endure "Six degrees of separation" - or less - for the rest of her life. Because if your photoshop images are any indication, ain't nobody gon' wanna stand next to her.... (Why did I get all backwoods rednecky in my dialect tonight? You bring out the best in me, Bucky.)

10:34 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

Okay, I am somehow not feeling nearly as secure in my manhood as I was when I arrived here. I find jamie lee bacn somehow...

excuse me, I need a double shot of Irish, and an ice bag.....

10:37 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

Are you sure they didn't say Canadian Bacon because that would, you know, make waaaaaay more sense?

10:51 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Needs more cowbell...and a bidet.

11:05 PM, December 12, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

I am reserving judgment until I see the girl cut loose, kick off her Sunday shoes, and get footloose.

(I may have very well taken liberties with the words up there, because I hate that piece of shit song)

12:00 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger ALRO said...

*Does the sign of the cross*

AHHHHHHH HEATHEN, VICIOUS ABOMINATION ... *runs away fast screaming* Kill it! Kiiiiiiiill iiiiiit!

It's 7am here - and my morning woody just became a soft-on!

For SHAME Bucky!

But i supposed it's better than the daughter looking like John Malcovich.

6:59 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

M_D - Lewis Black rules the world.

Spikey1 - that's the main reason I won't whore north of the border.

PlazaJen - did we bring out your inner hillbilly there? Tarnation!

Bear - it's OK, hon. I can't keep my hands out of my pants when I see that picture of myself with a moustache, either (god, I'm a handsome devil). It's all good.

Kranki - is that like back bacon? Bacon got back?

M_D - only if I can use the cowbell and the bidet at the same time. "This ass is clean!" *clang*

Bone Machine - close enough for me. But you have to admit - that movie is awful, horrific fun, don'tcha think?

Alshrim - sorry to be a boner killer. But you're right - it could always be worse.

7:37 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

Kevin Bacon = Tom Waits dressed up as a girl, in that last pic.


8:02 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

LeafGirl - oh, do you have any idea the awful schemes you just put into my head?

*goes to dig through archive of Tom Waits photos, looks for prettiest one, opens Photoshop*

8:07 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Um, who is Tom Waits? And Bucky, surely you're not photoshopping on WORK TIME... it's not even lunch yet... ;)

8:42 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Froggylady said...

girl looks coked up. love the nice black eyeliner and pastel lips, a little marilyn manson meets britney.

9:05 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Oh, my...I see my next post forming...

Kat - yeah, I can see that unholy combination coming together here. The best part? Kevin seems to purse his lips naturally, which just fed into the whole scheme here - the only picture where I exaggerated his lip pursing is the crack-whore picture, and even then I didn't exaggerate 'em too much.

9:12 AM, December 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does the second picture look so much like one of the Olsen twins in 20 years?

9:55 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

KChia - oh, it won't take 20 years for 'em to get there, I think.

10:06 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Oh mercy. I anxiously await the answer to the "Who is Tom Waits?" issue.

For what it's worth (admittedly nothing), I nicked the Bone Machine thing from Tom's most excellent album from '92 and not the Pixies song.

10:53 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Bone Machine - I never knew there was a Pixies song by that name - I just always assumed you were a man of good taste (ie, a Tom Waits fan).

10:55 AM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Holy shit.
I am so gonna get fired.
Those chicks are so freakin HOT Bucky.
You are sttoooopppiiidddd!!!!
Must go change panties..again.

12:07 PM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Memphis said...

This is just SCARY!

1:30 PM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

"*goes to dig through archive of Tom Waits photos, looks for prettiest one, opens Photoshop*

Oh sheeeeeeeeeeit. We's in for it now!!

1:36 PM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Memphis said...

I hope you don't mind. I didn't ask permission. I didn't even spend that much time here. I just looked around, watched the dancing monkey bear, and instantly blogrolled you. This is the blog at its finest.

1:41 PM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

I think the Pixies song is on their Surfer Rosa album. I could be mistaken.

I was a late arrival at the good ship Tom Waits. Bone Machine is the album that turned it all around for me. I finally got to see him in Chicago in '99.

2:15 PM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

That first pic totally cracked me up! Thanks--I NEEDED the laugh!

2:23 PM, December 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Pissy - I really think we need to pitch in and get you some Depends, darlin'. That chair can't take much more before reupholstery is necessary.

Memphis Steve - welcome! And I am tickled that you would blogroll me. Unless by "blogroll" you mean "inform the authorities."

LeafGirl - see how nice I was in the next post? Nary a picture of Tom Waits in lipstick.
This time.

Bone Machine - aaaaaah, wish I'd seen him on that tour...I kept waiting for a Detroit or Ann Arbor date, but he never came any closer than Chicago. In retrospect, I shoulda gone to that one.
I'd hate your guts if I hadn't already seen TW twice. ;)

Effie - always glad to humilate celebrities for your amusement. :)

3:56 PM, December 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is useful to try everything in practice anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)

2:06 AM, June 25, 2010  

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