the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Sunday, May 31, 2009

AfterBirth Day reflections

Damn, I just realized I haven't put up a single post this month. I'd like to say it's because I'm much too busy shagging young I'll say that: I'm much too busy shagging young sluts.

It's not true, but I can say it.

Things I haven't actually been doing this month:

  • Shagging young sluts.
  • Cleaning up the leaves in my yard.
  • Shagging old sluts.
  • Cleaning my house.
  • Shagging anyone.
  • Cleaning anything (unless you count loading the dishwasher; then I am a domestic goddess).
  • Earning commission.
  • Writing blog posts.

Things I have been doing this month:

  • Turning 44.
  • Looking 55.
  • Fighting off a nasty head/chest cold that has left me with the crown for Mistress of Mucous.
  • Putting a mighty strain on the scales at the doctor's office.
  • Attending a Mary Kay party and feeling as out of place as a...well, as a man at a women's party. If I could've sunk into the couch and slithered, unnoticed, out the door, I would have done so. I mean, really...I looked in the curio cabinet, and wondered why the hostess had a decorative plate adorned with a picture of 1980s-era Morgan Fairchild made up to look like she should be running the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas; then I realized it was a picture of company founder Mary Kay. What a whore. I thought it best to avoid the makeup and instead bought some Satin Hands. I can't even begin to tell you how disappointed I was to find out it was lotion.
  • Watching my cats freak the fuck out when my niece brought her chihuahua puppy over to visit. Stella hid in the kitchen cabinet, and when my brother opened the door to get a peek at her, she shot out of there with the speed of a much thinner cat, collided explosively with a bag of returnable cans, and hid under my bed for two hours. She seems to have forgiven me, but I won't be surprised if she pees on my feet during the night.
  • Feeling the subliminal pull of infomercials that offered me such tempting items as Dual-Action Colon Cleanse and Yoga Booty Ballet. Come to think of it, I'm not so sure those are two different products.
Here's to June, where I hope to finish the post upon which I've been dawdling for weeks, and maybe, just maybe, shag someone worthy of my charms. Trouble is, I never see homeless women in Grand Haven.