the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, May 12, 2008

ePerfidy.com

After Susie wrote about her experiment with an online dating site, curiosity got the best of me and I decided to check it out for myself. I was, at the time, freshly single after months of a "What the fuck is actually happening here?" relationship with a nutjob blonde, and I wanted to find a low-impact way to meet new, and possibly even more unbalanced, women.

My first stop was the heavily advertised eHarmony, where I quickly found out that I wasn't allowed past the gate unless I opted to search for a partner of the opposite sex. Therefore, Dr. Neil Clark Warren can put on lipstick and go fuck himself.

I then found Match.com, which was gracious enough to allow me to look for broads, even though I am one myself. Kudos to them for not trying to force tab A into slot B. I filled out a fairly detailed profile (don't go looking for me there, by the way; I took down my information when it became clear I wasn't going to be employed any time soon; pussy ain't free, people!), and when I was finished, a message appeared telling me that my profile would be available after it was screened for content. True enough, my information wasn't available for several days, so I assume someone actually looked through everything I had submitted and had pronounced it fit for human consumption.

Being the cheap-ass bitch that I am, I only signed up for the free version of the site. In short order, I found out that this allowed me to look at other profiles, but I could in no way contact these women to beg for sex. Only paying customers can message other users, so I was basically allowed to look in the window of the candy store, but I couldn't inquire about the lemon drops. Also, the inclusion of personal email addresses is strictly forbidden, so it was really just a vagina on a string, dangled in front of my face, taunting me, "Subscribe, you horny, loveless bitch, subscriiiiiiiibe!"

The service sends weekly emails alerting me about possible matches (more vaginas on more strings). Even after I made my profile unavailable, the emails continued. Out of vague curiosity, I browse through them to see which women who live 500 miles away from me that they've matched me up with this time. Sometimes, though, the pictures are a little...off. Like, facial-hair kind of "off." Now, I understand that some women look closer to men than a lot of men do, but after seeing a few suspicious "she's a man, baby!" pictures, I decided to click on the photos and check out these profiles.

Upon further investigation, I'm slightly relieved to report that these are, indeed, natural-born men. I was confused as to why the site would consider them matches for me, until I looked more closely at these profiles. What I found was a bunch of men who have marked their sex as "Female."

Okay. So...someone is examining our new profiles to make sure that we don't include pornographic pictures, don't solicit sex from minors, and especially don't include an email address in order to bypass the need to pay for contacting other members. But somehow, the fact that men are identifying themselves as women seems to have penised under the radar. Good job there, screeners. Way to keep the fox out of the lesbian coop.

I give up. I'm going back to meeting women the old-fashioned way (waiting for them to pass out in the bathroom at the bar and then copping a feel).

10 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Well, Bucky, I gave up on Internet dating sites at least six year ago. I see by your experience that they’ve not changed.

2:25 AM, May 13, 2008  
OpenID whoisjoycemathison said...

The smug couples on the eHormonal commericals make me sick.

11:12 AM, May 13, 2008  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Try PlanetOut. Without too much trouble I was found there by a sexy ass psycho bitch who gave me weeks of screaming phone sex before mangling my heart into a putrid glue.

You know you want it.

1:37 PM, May 13, 2008  
Blogger eclectic said...

So... I'm no expert on any of this by any means, but wouldn't a "vagina on a string" be bleeding?

2:00 PM, May 13, 2008  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Only if you're doing it right.

3:51 PM, May 13, 2008  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

SSNick - Yeah, I think I'm done with that, too.

Joyce - It's the Dr. himself that really gets to me. How can a man who's obviously still a virgin be hooking people up?

Mermaid - I wouldn't know what to do without a good heart mangling once in a while!

Eclectic - Yup...it leaves a little trail of drops for me to follow if the vagina gets out of sight.

M_D - that's my motto: "Leave 'em bleeding!"

11:13 PM, May 13, 2008  
Blogger Squirl said...

These comments really took a sick turn. Oh, wait, this is the BFE Cotillion, of course they would.

7:23 AM, May 14, 2008  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Squirl - it's really the only logical turn for comments here.

2:39 PM, May 14, 2008  
Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Bucky maybe you could meet a nice girl in church??

2:17 PM, May 17, 2008  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

A ha! I've written a post-it note the piece of the puzzle that has been missing - Wait for them to pass out at the bar.

Hmmmmm.

3:02 PM, May 25, 2008  

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