the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Can we all just age gracefully?

How the fuck far will people go for vanity?

Just last weekend, Jess traumatized me with some damn plastic surgery TV show, Dr. Jekyll 90210 or some awful thing. When I walked in, they were parading a woman who had multi-tiered hips and ass. Seriously, she had a tea party ass - just put a doily on any layer, put out the teapot, invite the Mad Hatter, you're all set. But that wasn't the scariest part...the next feature was some bitch having a tummy tuck. "Tummy tuck" sounds so innocuous, doesn't it? Ha! It was like a goddamn butcher shop on there! They had her boobs and monkey blurred, but the ripped-open stomach was crystal fucking clear. Her belly was completely splayed open; it was like cattle mutilation was being performed onscreen, just for my edification. I can guarantee you I will never, ever have any sort of plastic surgery after that scary shit. Sadly, that ruins my plans to build myself a set of DD knockers.

You know what I think is even more repulsive, though? Botox. People willingly, eagerly flock to the doctor to have botulin injected into them for the temporary smoothing of wrinkles, or to keep their armpits too paralyzed to sweat. Botulin causes botulism, and in case you didn't know how delightful that is, here's what has to say:

A severe, sometimes fatal food poisoning caused by ingestion of food containing botulin and characterized by nausea, vomiting, disturbed vision, muscular weakness, and fatigue.

Wow. How completely retarded are Americans when someone dangles the hope of temporary eternal youth?

Actually, that's what I'm counting on when I bring out my new line of You Are Nothing If You're Old and Fat products.

First, we have a vomit face cleanser. Guaranteed to, um, make your face as fresh as bottled vomit. Can you afford not to try it?

Then we'll be injecting dog poop into your pesky, fatty spots. It's not just any poop, either - it's Saint Bernard poop. So you know there'll be lots of it. I guarantee, it smells so ripe your fat will shrink from it in horror.

Finally, we'll close with a skin-quenching bath of urine and jizz. All your worries about your own body image will melt away while you wonder just how cloudy that urine was before we added the jizz.

It's not perfected yet, but still in the laboratories: calico venom and diarrhea body wash.

Man, I just re-read this, and it appears I've been testing my own products a little too intensely. Cheers!

20 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger I'm not here. said...

Hey, let me know when the new Bucky catalog comes out...need more jizz-a-bath products.

I agree with the botox thing. We all grow up, then we all grow old.
Plus, it's nice to be able to move your forehead.

1:22 AM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

That's right, protect us from the chance of seeing a boob on cable, but let's all get a look at Crystal's spleen, everybody!

I can see this shit happening for health reasons-like you got a gastric bypass and have to remove 20 pounds of excess skin-but really, ew.

4:29 AM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

But, I do someone who's had Botox injections in her forehead to get rid of horrible headaches. It's the only thing that's worked for her.

I can see extreme measures for extreme pain, but come on, people.

9:19 AM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

So, are you the Anti-Avon Lady then?

9:33 AM, June 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um gross. But people do use things like horse urine and foreskin and various forms of animal jizz to look young and healthy and radiant and, you know, like a jizzed-on, pissed-on, 'skin head.
Dr. 90210 freaks me the fuck out. These women (and men too) thing that they will be so much happier with bigger tits or a smaller nose and they are so young! Gimme a break. Get some therapy.

10:38 AM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

ew--but true...

11:26 AM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Squirl, you do someone who's had Botox injections?

Something you'd like to share with the class, hmmmmm?

12:36 PM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger limpy99 said...

"characterized by nausea, vomiting, disturbed vision, muscular weakness, and fatigue"

Are we sure we're talking about botulism and not looking at Ann Coulter? Because the side effects seem the same.

3:51 PM, June 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't throw stones since I injected pig intestine juice (seriously) 600 times in my stomach so that I could stay pregnant with my kiddo. By comparison the botulism thing sounds pretty run of the mill.

BTW, some people would pay a lot for the jizz/urine bath.

7:55 PM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

I understand using Botox for headaches, or the injections to stay pregnant. Those, to me at least, are legitimate medical reasons.
Fearing a forehead wrinkle or two, that is not.
Because, the need to know, they aren't fooling anyone.

11:52 PM, June 08, 2006  
Blogger Froggylady said...

So how do we know that the urine and jizz bath products are authentic? Do you send a free sample with a little pink spoon for tasting?

Sorry to have to ask, because I trust you and all, but I'm just tired of paying a lot of money for jizz bath products only to find out that it isn't the real deal. It just doesn't give me that nice facial glow I'm looking for.

10:19 AM, June 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I personally like the jizz facial products, but next time you should include some warnings, because it really does burn the eye and three days later my left eye is still a little cloudy. You'll being hearing from my lawyer.

12:18 PM, June 09, 2006  
Blogger Lori Denine and her cat said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:54 PM, June 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know...I just looked up Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific shampoo and we can still get it.
That stuff was pretty potent and I am not sure about you folks but I would probably be willing to inject it INSTEAD of the St.Bernard poop with a turkey baster.

3:04 PM, June 09, 2006  
Blogger Candy said...

Says the girl who went bonkers at bath and body last night.


That tummy tuck was rough...

4:11 PM, June 09, 2006  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Dr. 90210 rocks..people are INSANE.

There is a new documentary on HBO about Plastic Surgery and we watched the premier the other night.
Crazy shit.

4:43 PM, June 09, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

There's a gal at my gym who just returned from a "vacation" and looks as though she got bit by a rattlesnake on the upper lip. Oh, and she looks surprised all the time now, too. Wierd. "Vacation" must be rejuvenating. She's 56 years old, but *surprise* she has no visible facial wrinkles.

6:21 PM, June 09, 2006  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

I think blurring the boobs and monkey is a good idea, actually. Wouldn't want to get turned on to a half ripped open bod. Hard fetish to live with.

Or so I've heard.

6:24 PM, June 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


closes laptop, wanders out of room in search of vodka . . .

9:08 PM, June 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes...when I'm having trouble sleeping...I turn this show on.

2:47 PM, June 11, 2006  

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