the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Saturday, August 20, 2005

See how nice I am?

While in attendance at the baby shower Thursday, I was forced to bite my tongue so hard it still has my fang dimples in it.

A lot of the presents were in large gift bags, nestled in brightly colored tissue paper and festooned with ribbons. One of these in particular caught everyone's eye, with an abundance of tissue paper, cut into whimsical shapes, erupting from the bag. Balulah remarked on what a great job someone had done, how fluffy it was, and someone demanded to know, "Who's the fluffer?"

Now, remember, I was at work. I wasn't allowed to bubble over with the fluffer comments that were popping, totally unbidden, into my poor overloaded brain. I quickly scanned the room, but there was no understanding soul with whom I could lock eyes and share silent, screaming laughter. There was no one but me and my inner monologue, and both of us really could have benefitted from a good dose of Ritalin at that moment.

From behind me, the voice of "Jane" volunteered, "I'm the fluffer!"

"Oooooh, nice fluff job," someone else complimented Jane.

I just wanted to jump on the table and scream, "Don't you people know even the most casual porn industry lingo? How small are the borders of your world? Must I explain 'money shot' too?"

But, since I would like my job to still be available to me when I come back on Monday, I instead excused myself and hiccuped ten minutes' worth of nearly uncontrollable laughter into my folded jacket in the restroom.

It's a wonder I keep receiving invitations. And paychecks.

21 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger AlRo said...

you see?? i woulda had to say something! That is a moment I couldn't pass up..

I went through a similar situation - sorta - during a lunch hour - there were a bunch of us in the lunch room. The receptionist and I are close friends - and she's as fucked in the head as I am - so we're a good pair...

Well one guy at work - we'll call him Ping - is a chinese guy - and god-bless him - one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.. but Ping is unbelievable Naiive!

We were in a discussion about how we would organize one of our boardrooms and I mentioned I needed the keys to it in order to do my work.. blah blah.. and Recep says, "Well the key is in one of my drawers,"

and ping said, "You need to get into her drawers for the key.."

So recep and I share a moment and just started laughing.. and poor Ping looked at us with the blankest of stares...

And I explained, "Yes, Ping, I love rooting through her drawers.. cuz you never know what you're gonna get... "

Poor guy.. so i explained to him the finer points of English Slang..

10:36 AM, August 20, 2005  
Anonymous dazed and confuzed said...

I really don't think I could have NOT said anything either. Maybe you could transcribe the conversation, as you did for us, The Internet As A Whole, and anonymously distribute it to everyone while including the definition of "Fluffer"...and "money-shot" too, while you're at it. Maybe just go to Tori's site and get that list of fabulous lingo.

10:47 AM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

I knew what it was! Because I saw the box in a movie store once for a movie called, "The Fluffer," and I read the back of it.

But I watched too many commercials as a child, and when I see the word, all I think of is "Fluffer-Nutter." Remember that disgusting stuff? There's another pun in there somewhere . . .

11:41 AM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

alshrim - english as a second language can totally be excused, as someone who has had to get along in multiple languages, it is really awful when you don't know the slang and get made fun of, and believe me, they don't teach slang in any college. - but when BFE is dealing with native english speakers, I think howling and finger-pointing must commence immediately.
at the station we once got a CD in from a band who called themselves "money shot" - can you just imagine having to try and say that over the air in all seriousness???

11:56 AM, August 20, 2005  
Anonymous lawbrat said...

That is just too funny. Between you and Kitty this morning, I've laughed so hard my tummy hurts. Hmmm, I wonder if laughing can tone your tummy...I just need to laugh all day and I'll have rock hard abs.

12:07 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Lawbrat:
Laughing and coming both do that -- I have the rock abs to prove it!

12:14 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Lawbrat:
Laughing and cumming both do that -- I have the rock abs to prove it!

12:16 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger SunDenine said...

LMOF! I give to you Bucky, the virtual burst of giggles that you sooo deserve! If I had been in that circle with you, eyes locking, there is NO WAY I would have been able to contain myself! No Fucking Way!

Back in 1981 high school English class, I faced a classroom of serious faces as I gave a speech. I met my friend Sherrie White's eyes and we bursted out laughing. NOBODY ELSE LAUGHED of course which caused us to laugh all the harder. I couldn't get through a sentence and finally just had to quit the speech.

Anyhow...regardless of what the word means these days, it just sounds fucking corny and that alone woulda killed me. Personally, I woulda busted a gut and can only imagine the consequences had there been one other co-worker with a similar mind!

It's beyond me how these other woman contain themselves...have they no LIFE!

12:34 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger SunDenine said...

Urban dictionary:

Where's my fucking fluffer, goddammit!

That fluffer gobbled my knob with such vigor...that I almost blew yogurt raisens before my big scene

We may need a new fluffer...mayday...we tickled her tonsils too much, she drowned

12:40 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

OMG, I had to look fluffer up!
I did, however, know what a money shot was.

Education and entertainment all in one blog!

2:31 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Hey fluffer is a prefectly legitimate job and Im pretty sure you can list your resume at Monster for fluff jobs.



Ok maybe no.

3:36 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

For some reason, I find myself very jealous of you right now. My workplace won't let anything ride. My inner monologue and I haven't had a private joke in awhile - there is always at least one person in the room with the same sick mind as me. :(.

3:37 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger SunDenine said...

Alex suggests that ya could have gone to your desk, brought up Fluffer from urban dic and send it in an interoffice email....

4:11 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger Kassi said...

I wish I had been there to lock eyes with you. Of course, you would have seen tears streaming down my face...that is what happens when something is inappropriately funny...and the rest of the fluffy world isn't inside my joke.

10:20 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

you people are sick! but we knew that, didn't we?

11:20 PM, August 20, 2005  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

I couldn't have done "silent, screaming laughter."

My head would have exploded.

1:05 AM, August 21, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

*stoopid forr'ner look*

I wouldn't have had a clue. Then again, I've always thought genitalia was an Italian airline *nods*

3:50 AM, August 21, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

whfropera: Ya... that's why i said, God Bless .. the poor guy, y'know... nicest guy too... one thing I'll say for my buddy Ping - he's got a hell of a sense of humour.. and when i told him everything - he laughed his ass off .. so.. it's all good.

8:57 AM, August 21, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Alshrim - I'll have to blog about a young Chinese dude that worked with me about ten years ago. He would actually try to use American slang, often to not quite the effect he'd intended. I just loved that guy.

Dazed - "anonymously distribute" yeah, because no one would EVER guess a memo about fluffery and money shots would come from ME.

Susie - I'm so proud of you! Fluffer Nutter. heh heh heh heh heh I'm sorry, I can't stop dirty laughin' enough to say anything about that.

Opera gal - I'm afraid I would relish sayin' "Money Shot" on the radio. I would streeeetch it out. And then I would laugh myself sick once my mike was off.

Lawbrat - I dunno, for all I laugh, I should be skeletal.

Emily - so you've got it covered, cumming and going?

DP - "yogurt raisins"...ewwwwwww!

Sierrabella - I like to think of the Cotillion as continuing education for all of us.

Jess - I wonder if there's any demand for fluffers in the midwest, or if you have to move to one coast or the other for the job. And am I too late in life for this career change?

Kittay - hey, it's healthy not to hold it back. The supression probably takes years off my life.

DP - yeah, but there's my pesky desire to have a job when I come in Monday...

Kassi - we could've gotten in trouble with human resources together!

Bear - it's what makes us all family. One big Jerry Springer family.

Closet - don't think I wasn't on overload there. I'm sure I fried a few synapses.

Ghost - that's lovely, really. Thank you for Flying Genitalia, watch your step.

1:54 PM, August 21, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

See, I tend to avoid babyshowers like the plague that they are. I'm sure I speak for many other gals struggling with fertility, when the most annoying thing is this question, "So when will it be YOUR turn?" Perhaps the most personal, invasive question... as if by design, the destiny of all women is to bear children... I dread the whole cutesy aspect to it, too. BLECH! My initial response to the impending doom of a babyshower invite in my future: wrap up a case of Trojans real cute and present it, and then leave before she opens my gift. I loathe these things!

2:26 PM, August 22, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Bucky... what's your stance on FLUFFER Nutter sandwiches? Would it be redundant to eat FLUFFERnutters while watching someone be FLUFFED?

2:27 PM, August 22, 2005  

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