the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Boner warning labels

Would it come as a surprise to you if I confessed to bein' extremely childish? I didn't think so.

It will be easy, then, for you to imagine my state of tickledness each and every time one of those Boner Pills commercials imparts the dire warning: "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are serious and require immediate medical attention."

Well, first - let's be sure what we mean by "serious" here. Seriously erect? No-laughing-matter erect? Seriously useful? Seriously chafed? Is this a serious medical condition, or do you want us to merely treat this uber erection with the respect its endurance commands? Salute that Stiffy, Ma'am!

Four hours of the Big Hand pointin' to midnight? 240 minutes of the Upright Genitals Brigade? 14,400 seconds of Stiffy Stiffy Bang Bang? How is this a bad thing?

Personally, and you had to know I'd have an opinion on this, I would amend this statement to one or more of the following:
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, require commemorative photographs and video if possible."
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are certainly cause to phone all your buddies and brag your ass off."
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are a good excuse to call all your wife's hot friends after she passes out with that big smile on her face."
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are most welcome."
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, just might get you pancakes in the morning."
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, will more than likely require extra lubrication to avoid friction fires."
  • "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, should never be used to taunt a hungry Rottweiler."
A better and more valid warning might be : "Caution: Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, may be damaging to the eyes at close range."

36 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Caution: That thang's loaded.


It all comes down to packaging.

7:29 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

yeah there is something to be said to keeping it under wraps.

:)

7:37 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - in this case, I'd have to agree with you on the packaging.

Opera gal - well, wrapped anyway...

8:02 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

All this time and you've been in disagreement about my packaging observations and you're just now bringing it to light?!

I'm. Shocked and. Dismayed.

8:15 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - you know, generally I'm in agreement with your scorching analysis of the latest packaging trends, but I did have to disagree on the catnip packaging earlier this summer.
I sincerely hope that we can still picnic together without fisticuffs.

8:18 PM, August 14, 2005  
Anonymous dazed and confuzed said...

Ooo, Fisticuffs. Do you know where I can get a pair? I need some that can at LEAST last four hours.

8:40 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

Good time to get one of those tattoos if you ask me. You know, like this one [link not safe for work]

8:42 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Dazed - I just knew the fist would draw you outta hiding.

Mrtl - OHMIGOD! This may just be the coolest tattoo ever ever ever!

8:46 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I was going to say something about fisticuffs, but I clicked the link first.

Ouch.

9:45 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

yeah, that guy has to have the HIGHEST PAIN THRESHOLD on the face of the planet.
That thing has movie stunt possibilities, methinks.

10:05 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

the moral of that dragon tatoo is "NEVER get drunk and pass ut at a tatto parlor". Honest honey, I have no idea how that got there!

as for the 4 hour erection.... I"D be callin everyone in my address book and braggin.

10:38 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

pass out either! especially at a tattoo parlor (gotta start wearin my reading glasses)

10:40 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

While I have never had a tattoo of any kind, I understand they involve a certain degree of pain. And what's just as astonishing as the tattoo itself is the thought that he would need to maintain an erection through all that pain, and for the no doubt several hours it would take to paint that puppy.

My only concern is when deflation actually happens. What does he turn into, an earthworm?

11:21 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Ow. Ow. Ow. But Nilbo raises an interesting question? Maybe the ink permanently plumped it up? Ew. I just grossed myself out.

11:57 PM, August 14, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Not earthworm, but maybe a planarian. hehe

8:26 AM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

If you rub on his helmet, he'll spit in your eye!

9:19 AM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

It's all fun and games until somebody's eye gets poked out:)

10:02 AM, August 15, 2005  
Anonymous Dubya here (agin) said...

OMG...I KNOW THAT THERE TATTOO!

Ahhh...hode awn a sec...i...i...never seen it b'for in my entire life....

12:49 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - oh, come on. You sure that's not you in the tattoo pic?

Opera gal - I have to think he enjoyed it, to keep in that state for as long as that tat musta taken.

Bear - if that guy could maintain that, all the while passed out (or ut), then I have to salute that.

Nilbo - that's the whole point of a dragon tattoo - it's lucky. The wearer will have a perpetual boner. Four hours? Child's play!

Mr. B - now you're usin' words I have to look up. I knew I shoulda paid better attention in biology class.

Kitty - that's our magical fireman!

Nugget - I recommend goggles with the four-hour erection.

12:51 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger GW said...

oops...firgot my new sec'rty friend...

12:51 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Dubya - good catch there, man. No one will suspect a thing...

12:52 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Wow. I forget what I was gonna say.

1:48 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

ahh.. what's four hours..
Now if it's erect for say... 12 hours.. WARNING...

we'll all observe that the women don't have these sorta issues ... but if they did... Imagine the commercials..

NIAGRA.. there to help you remain moist and delicious (like a cake) for hours in order to please yer... err.. man that is using our brother product (Viagra) (Cuz lets face it .. without Viagra... he's as limp as a falling stack of dimes after 2 minutes...

"Warning: Wetness lasting longer than four hours, while rare, should not really be happening... contact your doctor immediately.."

3:13 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Jomama said...

Re: Toobs

I finally googled it (slipped my mind completely this morning) and now I know what they look like. Never seen one in my life, but they look pretty cool.

And that tattoo link-- damn. I think that tops my list of most interesting images I have ever seen.

And the thought of a 4 hour erection is tragically funny, but 4 hour wetness is just nasty and a real cause for concern.

3:20 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

jomama - i know...i just keep thinking miconazole, anyone?

3:59 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger MsPerdie said...

jomama and whfo - For REAL!!!!! and all that flipping and flopping, and leg stretching and postion switching.. ahhhh, well, you know what i mean.. too much on the womens body... LOL!

4:49 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger SunDenine said...

speeshless I tell ya...speeshless...

Wait, where are my manners, I really shouldn't talk with my mouthful :}

4:55 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

I was looking for one of those clever sentences that reads when flacid or erect (with a much longer sentence erect).

Honestly, I'd think I'd scream and run away if I saw Mr. Dragon coming at me (coming or not, that is).

5:33 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Hmm, well with all the fetish clubs I have been too and places I have worked I have seen people with penis tattoos, worked with a guy who had flames on his, not a good image to put on your wang if you ask me, I have had sex with a guy who had 4 rows of barbells going down each side of his pecker, watched people doing TSD, and as the girlfriend of a bobblehead who gets 4 hour erections for just the heck of it, and puts them to good use, I guess uh.... I am not as shocked as I should be by this dirty and very amusing post.

Oh and after 4 hours, they just go back to sleep for an hour or so. And when you get your penis tattooed, the put a band around your nuts to keep it at a semi stuff point and then tug and roll it along with the tattoo process. Plus they charge you an insane amount of money because no one really wants to touch your johnson.

5:35 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

...4 rows of barbells?

I really was gonna respond to all these comments, but...

...4 rows of barbells?

Ribbed for YOUR pleasure, I'd say...

Okay...fixated now...

...wait, 4 hours?

Too much to process...must sit down...

6:16 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

You're serious, JessicaR? You mean, not only do these guys GET penis tattoos, but they PAY for the privilege? Yeesh! If I had a johnson, I'd damn sure make THEM pay to put the hurt on it!

6:39 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Yeah, uh, Mini Bloggy is starting to shrink at all this tattoo talk. I think we'll go for a walk while this thread lingers.

7:18 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

It's always better with penis:)

10:58 PM, August 15, 2005  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

BWAHAHAHAHA

Don't forget this one:

Erections lasting more than 4 hours will cause you to pass out from blood loss to the brain. But don't worry, that erection will prevent falls by propping you up like a tripod.

hehehe

2:27 AM, August 16, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

cock pushups, you only gotta do one.

2:58 AM, August 16, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

*attempt cock pushup* *grunts*
"C'mon man.. don't disappoint them,"

*closes eyes - winces.. feels a bit of hope as it stirs... the pain -- OH THE FUCKIN' PAIN!"

Fuck it.. who invented this cock-pushup thing anyways??

hahahaha!!!

9:13 PM, August 16, 2005  

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