Boner warning labels

Would it come as a surprise to you if I confessed to bein' extremely childish? I didn't think so.

It will be easy, then, for you to imagine my state of tickledness each and every time one of those Boner Pills commercials imparts the dire warning: "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are serious and require immediate medical attention."

Well, first - let's be sure what we mean by "serious" here. Seriously erect? No-laughing-matter erect? Seriously useful? Seriously chafed? Is this a serious medical condition, or do you want us to merely treat this uber erection with the respect its endurance commands? Salute that Stiffy, Ma'am!

Four hours of the Big Hand pointin' to midnight? 240 minutes of the Upright Genitals Brigade? 14,400 seconds of Stiffy Stiffy Bang Bang? How is this a bad thing?

Personally, and you had to know I'd have an opinion on this, I would amend this statement to one or more of the following:

• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, require commemorative photographs and video if possible."
• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are certainly cause to phone all your buddies and brag your ass off."
• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are a good excuse to call all your wife's hot friends after she passes out with that big smile on her face."
• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, are most welcome."
• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, just might get you pancakes in the morning."
• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, will more than likely require extra lubrication to avoid friction fires."
• "Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, should never be used to taunt a hungry Rottweiler."
  

A better and more valid warning might be : "Caution: Erections lasting longer than four hours, while rare, may be damaging to the eyes at close range."