Zoo crew massacre

Inanimate objects I would marry (you know, the kind I can mention on this here family-friendly site):

• Microwave
• Mac PowerBook
  
• DVD player
• CD player
• iPod

All these things are modern conveniences, and one thing they all have in common is that they allow me a certain freedom to eat or entertain myself on my own schedule. The CD player and the iPod in particular are wonders of science to me. They entertain me, they keep music in my ears, and they have many times kept me from committing acts of violence and murder.

Perhaps I should elaborate.

I don't know when this trend started, but somewhere along the way, program directors at rock stations decided that the listening audience wasn't content to just hear rock music. They decided that we needed on-air "Personalities" to keep our attention. Does this happen with other genres? Do country DJs do this? Hip-hop DJs? Calypso DJs? Polka DJs? I've listened to Opera Gal's show, and she doesn't feel the need to mix broadcast hijinks with her very informative commentary on the classical and opera selections she plays. So why is it that rock stations think I can't listen to music without scripted non-hilarity?

It seems like the worst of this plague happens during morning radio. In the early '90s (yes kids - in the last millenium), I used to listen to a Flint rock station that would actually just play music in the morning while I got ready for work, and I loved that. The gal who was the morning DJ was informative about the music and upcoming concerts, and any humor she threw out there was totally off the cuff and was - take a deep breath - actually funny! Of course, that little party didn't last for long, and soon enough, alas, too soon, the station bowed to the formula of two male DJs with a morning show that was as spontaneous as a princess wedding and as funny as grandma's varicose veins.

This irritates me on a number of levels. First of all, I tune in to a music station on the radio because I want to hear music. I'd tune in to talk radio if I wanted to hear someone yammer, but I don't. I have a need to get my groove on while I get ready for my day. What I do not need is formulaic, sophomoric humor of the lamest sort - and this from the woman who always laughs at a well-told fart joke - recited by two men who then bray like donkeys at every single one of their own utterances, and then throw a song or two out there once in a while as an afterthought.

I would imagine the skeleton for the morning crew "script" is something like this:

• Joke about fat people. HAW HAW HAW!
• Clinton joke (because they fail to realize he's not in office anymore). HAW HAW HAW!
• Male caller complains about foreigners. HAW HAW HAW!
• Homo joke, should be about a straight male, and should end with some variation of "That's pretty gay." HAW HAW HAW!
• Repeat for four hours. HAW HAW HAW!

Christ on a Japanese serving spoon, somebody give the fucking jackasses some straw so they will have to cease talking while they chew. What's even worse is when a station is too lazy to hire their own hacks to recycle this material, and instead feels the need to broadcast a syndicated show along the lines of Bob and Tom. All I can figure is, rock stations must think 12-year-old boys are their target demographic, because I can't imagine anyone with a more sophisticated sense of humor, say, a 14-year-old, would find this shit to be knee-slappingly funny. All I get out of it is an intense desire to drill through my eardrums with a rusty screw and then set fire to the empty shells.

Don't get me wrong - I'm a huge proponent and purveyor of immature humor. I mostly object to the complete lack of originality. Plus, I just wanted to hear some music, you lame-ass motherfuckers. This is why I can't watch MTV anymore, either - somewhere along the line, they went from a station that showed music videos to a dungheap of "original" programming and bad fashion examples.

Luckily, I have an iPod whose capacity for songs is even larger than Paris Hilton's capacity for genital warts. (Oh, god - does this now mean that Paris and I will never be bestest friends?) The iPod saved me from trying to jump radio stations as I drove from Michigan to Illinois, and kept me from having to pull over to change a CD every 80 minutes*.

Sometimes, though, when I dash out to the store or some other quick errand, I forget to throw the iPod in my purse. When that happens, I try to find a local station that doesn't make me gag too much, because I must have music when I drive. It's the law. Of course, it's a whole new market for me over here, and finding a station is a matter of trial and error. When I finally happened upon a local hard rock station, I just left my radio there. I realized my error the next time I turned it on and the music stopped.

It wasn't just the DJs who were obnoxious, though they were. It was the ads that made me crazy. It was as though every second of air time was aimed toward frat boys who had imbibed so much alcohol that their brain cells had dwindled into the single-digit range. One promo campaign revolved around using the word "rock" to replace the word "fuck" - a cardinal sin, in my opinion - and consisted of spots that offered clever sayings like "Go rock yourself" and "Yeah, we'd rock Britney Spears."

I could almost forgive that, but then they came on with a promo that made my head explode. It proclaimed, "You won't hear any Backdoor Boys or N'Suck here!"

Mmmmmmmm'kay. Not only are those particular slurs on the boy bands done to fucking death long ago, but...but...but...when is the last time Backstreet Boys or N'Sync even made a record? Couldn't they slander any current bands that suck? I mean, it's not like there's ever a shortage of new bubblegum rot, is there? Did they not ridicule H.I.M because they're secretly jacking off to the posters?

That's it. On short trips, I'm just going to whistle quietly to myself. It's safer for everyone.

* I should clarify here - my car doesn't have a CD player installed, so I have a walkman-type CD player that I plug into the cassette deck. Just a little too much for me to do safely while I drive.