We don't have that here

Some of the search terms that sick bastards have recently used to find this blog (although, I guess that kinda makes me a sick bitch for matching their search terms, but that's not news):

• deepthroat kielbasa (a nice twist on the seen-several-times-a-day "kielbasa queen" search)
  
  
• buttplug (okay, so they got me there)
  
  
• monkey rituals (I'm afraid to know what they meant by that)
  
  
• man's penis (as opposed to a woman's penis?)
  
  
• up my ass (wonder if they got the same pages the buttplug people did)
  
  
• scene of death (they probably got my nudie photos)
  
  
• dr. 90210 bleach anus video (because I want my pucker to glow in the dark)
  
  
• where is bucky the chimpanzee today (I like to think of it as a spider monkey)
  
  
• midget pee (when you're going for quality and not quantity)
  
  
• small dicks (no, thank you)
  
  
• classy mexican restaurants (sorry, you'll find nothing classy here)
  
  
• "unsolved mysteries" hair guitar show dead body dress strings (what????)
  
  
• big brown beaver (it's not brown)
  
  
• "can't grow a beard" (thanks to electrolysis)
  
  
• dick plug (I can't imagine that would be pleasant)
  
  
• "four eyes" defense program (that would be me holding my arms in front of my face, whimpering "Don't hit me, don't hit me!")
  
  
• "schlong picture" (I thought we had established long ago that it's an alleged schlong)
  
  
• pictures of colonel sanders (thanks to my post comparing Roo's nutsack to the Colonel)
  
  
• bay city rollers (I deny any connection)
  
  
• pippi tattoo (not for a million bucks...well, okay - for a million bucks)
  
  
• what does a kiss on the hand mean (it means your hand looks like a vagina)
  
  
• tiny fuck (is that how you get a little pregnant?)
  
  
• "popsicle in the ass" (finally, someone who understands the true essence of my writings)
  
  
• naked and drunk (usually the other way around)
  
  
• hillbilly jessica labia pictures (only if there's a kazoo involved)
  
  
• chicks with dicks porn (dammit, I told you - it's an alleged schlong!)
  
  
• "have to change my panties" ("have to" because of society's conventions, or "have to" because of incontinence?)
  
  
• pee puke (ew, not in the same glass)
  
  
• piercings on tits (and whiskers on kittens)
  
  
• whoremonger (now you're talkin'!)
  
  
• jo jo the dogface boy, he walks he talks (he crawls on his belly like a reptile!)
  
  
• four lips (at last count, yep)
  
  
• how to make fake jizz from frosting (dude, to fake your orgasms or what?)
  
  
• squirl monkeys (hey, that's my sister you're talkin' about!)
  
  
• papercuts labia (why would you even THINK about that? Owowowowowowow OW!)
  
  
• wheelchair bound cocksuckers (because who doesn't fantasize about that?)
  
  
• cat anus (when you need somewhere to store those popsicles)
  
  

Obviously, I need more sleep. Tawk amongst yourselves; I'll be smacking myself on the head with a mallet now.