the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Wynona's big brown beaver

Snakes on a plane? Feh! Not nearly as frightening as cramps on a train.

I spent the weekend seeing family in Michigan, and because I just didn't feel like driving, I took the train over. Well, more accurately, the train took me over. Because I wasn't spending too many days, I made a valiant attempt to pack light, even forsaking my laptop for the weekend - you have to understand, that is akin to Linus deciding to leave his blanket at home. It was a leap of faith, but I wanted to be as efficient as possible this time, and it's not like I have zero access to 'net-connected computers at my siblings' homes. Besides, I needed to have a free hand to carry my Sponge Bob body pillow, because it's just easier to sleep on the train if one has a giant, soft pillow instead of a tiny little toilet-seat-shaped neck pillow. There's also the added bonus of the doubt and fear in the eyes of strangers when they see a middle-aged woman toting around a giant yellow pillow with a goofy face on it.

Well, one thing my careful calculations told me I could jettison when I prepped for the trip was any sort of, ahem, feminine that-time-of-the-month products. Because, after all, those four tampons kicking around the bottom of my purse would've weighed me down incalculably. No way would I need those, according to my count. Damn, I'm smart!

Except, um...I'm not.

I was feeling pretty wretched on the train this morning, but I thought that could be the cumulative effect of drinking all weekend and suddenly being thrown into a first-shift schedule so I could see everyone while I was over there. I must say, I'm really spoiled to staying up until four or five in the morning and then having my breakfast while General Hospital is on. My body clock is just a little fucked up today.

No, I decided it was really fucked up when I realized, somewhere around the Michigan/Indiana state line, that I had started that which wasn't supposed to start until next weekend, and I had no supplies with which to be prepared for it. Well, no wonder I felt like I'd swallowed a chain saw. I spent the rest of the ride feeling miserably uncomfortable and gross, and was doubly glad I had both seats to myself.

When we got into Union Station in Chicago, I made for the restroom by the South boarding lounge. To my dismay, my utterly pissed-off dismay, I found that the tampon machine bore the "OUT OF ORDER" sign in just such a manner as to taunt me. I, however, would not be thwarted, and pointed myself toward the restroom upstairs by the food court. I had to wait in line there, and just as I thought I would hear the angels sing, I came face-to-face with another sign that said not only "OUT OF ORDER", but if I read between the lines, it said "FUCK YOU, KATY."

Fucked I was. I had to go and plunk down five bucks for a small box of beaver dams in one of the magazine shops in the terminal, which really irritated me since I have several nearly full packages of them at home. Then I had to go wait in line again to go in the restroom and take care of things.

Upon entering my stall, I beheld the following sight, and felt compelled to take a picture. Now I feel compelled to share that picture with You, the Internet as a Whole.

Bottle o' piss?

I hoped, really and sincerely hoped, that someone had just mixed some Crystal Light in a water bottle and forgotten it. But I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that someone who had taken lots of vitamins in the morning had left behind a specimin. Yes, I have to tell myself it was a specimin, because I don't really care to think about the other reasons someone might carry urine in a water bottle (unless it's to throw on door-to-door salesmen, and then I'm 100% in favor of it, and would recommend upgrading to a spray bottle).

Needless to say, when my bus got into town and Jess brought the Betards to pick me up at the station, I was more than ready for pain killers and sleep.

Oh, I promised you a look at some beaver, didn't I?

Angry beaver
This beaver seems to be mugging a computer terminal.

Constipated beaver?
I think he's raping a pad of paper, and adding insult to injury by drawing a smiley face on it, but I'm too scared to know for sure.

Beaver with bonus boobs
This beaver had bonus boobs. Everything I like, all in one place!

Listen, when I promise beaver? I cough up the beaver, baby.

17 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger I'm not here. said...

Looks like you had lots of fun.
Nice beaver shots. :o)

12:56 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Karin said...

tell the truth did you lick the beaver? Nothing is worse than the oops my special friend arrived early. Actually I suppose oops it didn't arrive at all and I can't remember which of my one night stands diod this would be worse.

1:29 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger ALRO said...

Those scare me!

9:19 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Wow... those beaver shots are totally freakin me out... that's just so... weird.

9:25 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Love the beaver - hate that you had to be uncomfortable for so long before you could plug it up. :(

9:36 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

ah, those calculations---pain in the butt, eh?!

I have to say--I've never heard tampons referred to as "beaver dams" before though...what a lovely picture it conjures up...

Other than that--was it a good weekend?

9:51 AM, June 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those beavers scare the shit out of me.

10:27 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Well...I'm all let down and shit. I was hoping to see Wally and June at LEAST....sigh

Welcome home.

10:46 AM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Jim did NOT just say he loves the beaver, did he? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

1:00 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Candy said...

I dont miss my uterus.

That is all.

Glad your home.

2:03 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...


2:05 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger SierraBella said...

I'm sorry, but I can't get past that water...

2:47 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger JAXTER said...

The water is definitely what scares me the most too...thought those beavers - they are running a very close second. Sorry about the miscalculation. Hate it when that happens.

3:58 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

Dude, where the hell are those beaver statues?
I'm going to have nightmares about those tonight. I KNOW it.

4:24 PM, June 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks for making me laugh this past year. buh bye

7:50 PM, June 27, 2006  
Blogger Kranki said...

At least you can be sure for another month that Jess has not secretly kidnapped your uterus for breeding purposes.

2:17 PM, June 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the beaver statues must have frightened your uterus into hyperdrive!

9:28 AM, June 29, 2006  

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