the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The postman is afraid to ring twice

Of all the people living in this house, I receive more mail than anyone. It's likely because I have been a consumer so much longer than everyone else here, so people with things to sell are always eager to track me down and entice me with nigh unto irresistible offers. Add to that the fact that I order things online, and you'll see mail call for me almost every day.

I also mailed most of my belongings to myself when I moved here. With the amount of stuff I had, it just made more sense than hiring movers to take up a tiny corner of their van and still pay them the equivalent of 700 tricks' fees to haul it for me. The only heart stopper there for me was the one box that, for some reason, took an extra week to get here after everything else arrived. It just happened to contain lots of my old notebooks, and you've all had a peek into how scary that shit can get. I was not at all comfortable with the thought that the box had burst open somewhere and strangers were perusing what are essentially my old diaries. When the package finally arrived, somewhat tattered but intact, I said a silent prayer of thanks to my pagan gods and then stashed the notebooks under my Gumby DVDs. No one will ever think to look there.

The only other bad experience I've had with something being shipped here was a couple of months ago. I will spare you the details, since I know people who want to remain blissfully ignorant about my sex life read this, but I had ordered something of the "adult" variety, and it was being shipped UPS. The weekend after I placed my order, I had occasion to leave town for a few days. As I made my way toward the car with my suitcase in hand, I heard Derek proclaim from the porch, "Hey - there's a package in the yard."

Sure enough, UPS had simply thrown the box over the fence into the back yard. Nice fuckin' move. Again, I won't say exactly what was in the package, but suffice it to say that if the dogs had found the box, torn it open, and begun playing a vicious tug-o-war with the contents, I'd have been more than glad to be out of town while Jess explained its presence to her children. What's the next giant step after awkward? Oh, yeah - mortifying. Luckily, the box was undiscovered by dogs and I was able to scoop it up and throw it in the relative safety of my room before I left. But you can see how that could've been potentially psychologically damaging for all involved.

This week, I received some mail that I was truly not expecting. Nick usually grabs the mail while he's getting ready for work, and then I get a knock on the door just before General Hospital comes on and am presented with my daily allotment of letters, bills, advertisements, and merchandise. When mail call came 'round this time, Nick was smirking in a manner he usually reserves for breast sightings. He handed me a box and announced, "Looks like you got some monkey farts in the mail today."

He was not lying.

Monkey farts in the mail

It's true: I was sent a box of monkey farts. Before you start assuming I received a case of queefs, let me set the record straight: The monkey farts in question, sent to me by Balulah, are actually banana-scented candles. Yes, they are actually called Monkey Farts. And they are delightful. Did I mention that it was addressed to KTard RumCake?

If there was ever a point to this post, I don't remember what it was. All I know is, my room smells like monkey farts, and there's a cat wearing a cone who needs my attention. Tawk amongst yourselves.

10 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Unknown said...


That's great, Bucky!

All I got is... well, yeah, ok. I got nuthin.

9:04 AM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Thank you for keeping me blissfully unaware of your sex life. :)

I love the monkey-fart candles, that's a good one.

10:54 AM, August 31, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aw, c'mon, where do I get some of those!!!I would love to send my girlfriend a box of monkey farts at work, man!Please post where to get them.
ps...have you tried the "smitten kitten"? Just google it. So far the best, mostest wonderfullest site ever,absolutely no latex, all silicone, and I think...hmmm...I think thier store is in your state? Can't remember, but I think it is.
Anyway, those dogs should not put those dirrty toys in their mouths like that, only dirrty girlz who AREN'T perverted, thankyouverymuchbobblehead!

11:08 AM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger The Q said...

That is a fantastic name for a scented candle. Being that I'm addicted to most scented products (bath and candle), I'm off to "Google" those.

Oh wait, I'm not supposed to use that term for "search the internets" anymore, am I? Oh who cares?!?!?

:::scurries off to google Monkey Farts:::

5:42 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Monkey farts. So?

/wiping eyes and holding sides Nope. Could NOT keep from laughing. I tried, though, I really tried.

Give my best to Roozer, eh? Thanks!

7:43 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

Monkey fart aroma depends on the species, it also depends if it is a new world or old world monkey.

I'll send you a box of Great Ape farts. An envelope will not suffice.

If you are especially eager I can provide a little something from a first-order primate. Clown farts are funny. They smell like play-doh.

9:30 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

You crack my shit UP!
Monkey farts, old diaries and the mystery package...all ingredients for one helluva blog entry.

Heh heh. I said entry. Heh heh.

1:04 AM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger Amy said...

ha! monkey fart candles!

I wonder if they have Mother In Law fart candles. I'd like to burn some so people can come over and understand why I cry sometimes for no reason at all.

9:21 AM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger LadyBug said...


That is all.

10:22 AM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so what have I missed here? Oh yea, the sexy hard-hat cat and monkey fart candles and mortiying mail deliveries.

It's all just!

Does Wobbles Tango with that screwdriver in his mouth, wearing a hardhat?

And I think your stash of notebooks under the Gumby DVDs is the purrfect place. Your pagan gods will never tell.

12:27 PM, September 01, 2006  

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