Recorded proof of my stoopidity, and a stolen meme

There's a three-part interview I did with Bloggy this afternoon over at YPS. If I ever start to think I actually sound intelligent when I talk (or that hideous thing that masquerades as my laugh), I can always go listen to these to remind myself not to be so uppity. It was actually supposed to be a four-part interview, but the fourth segment wouldn't save for us. And it had the best part, where I was talking about Saint Bernard poop. Ah, well...another time, perhaps.

I decided today was steal-a-meme day, so I went and snatched one from Jim.

TECH-OLOGY:
Number of contacts in your cell phone? 15 (mostly restaurants) - hey, it's a new phone, I'm workin' on it!
Number of contacts in your email address book? If I show "all contacts" in gmail, it's more than I have the patience to count right now.
What is the wallpaper on your computer? Smidge bowling.
What is your screensaver on your computer? Don't use one, but I think if I did, it's set to the hippy dippy swirly lights.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? Well, yeah - isn't that what computers and digital cameras are designed for?
How many landline phones do you have in your home? Two
How many televisions are in your home? Six (some serve gaming only)
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? Hmmm, there are so many I never use at all. Did I mention I'm not very domesticated? I use the toaster and the microwave, and that's most of my cooking right there.
What is the format of the radio station you listen to most? Don't listen to the radio, makes me bleed from the ears.

BI-OLOGY:
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? My sheer brute strength.
Are you right handed or left handed? Righty
Have you had anything removed from your body? Yes, teeth.
Would you like to? Yes.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? My sense of smell and taste have improved since I quit smoking, but neither is what I would call keen. My eyesight sucks through a coke bottle lens, my hearing has been duly damaged by loud music over the years...guess I have to go with touch. I know a boob when I touch one, by god.
When was the last time you had a cavity? Last time I went to the dentist?
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? My thighs.

MISC-OLOGY:
If it were possible, would you like to know the day you're going to die? Yeah, why not - then I could say proper goodbyes to the people I love and pop a cap in the ass of anyone who ever annoyed me. That's right - in college I was Ass Poppa Cappa. Word.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Hephzibah.
How do you express your artistic side? Frosting the monkey Depending on my mood, I write, or compose/play music, or paint, or make deranged little movies with giant, rotating, blue Play-Doh penises. Otherwise, I just pester the cats.
What color do you think you look best in? Black. Technically not a color, but fuck it.
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? As long as I could cower under my bunk.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? You had to add the "by mistake" didn't you? Hell, I don't know - probably. I used to drink a lot, you know.
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? Ew, no. Society doesn't have to enforce the incest taboo on me - that shit makes my skin crawl. No offense to my relatives, many of whom I am sure are quite attractive but not to me.
How often do you go to church? Weddings and funerals (though my wedding was not in a church and neither will be my funeral)
Have you ever saved someone's life? I don't think so. But, again, I did used to drink a lot. For all I know, I was this drunken do-gooder, saving lives,fixing torn garments, passing out fresh sandwiches. Just hard to say.
Has someone ever saved yours? Emotionally, definitely.

DARE-OLOGY:
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? It would have to be more than that to pay for the therapy of everyone who saw me, and for me to have a little bit left over to hide for a while.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Not if it's Phyllis Diller.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? Make it a half a million - after taxes - and we're talkin'.
Would you never blog again for $50,000? It would have to be more in the millions range. Not that I haven't pondered giving up blogging, but if I was told I couldn't do it anymore, you know I'd want to.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Only if I could supervise the extensive airbrushing process so I don't look like a midwestern dolphin.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? That kind of flaming ass action would require at least $100,000.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? For the most part, no. But if I got to pick? I can think of a couple of scumbags that no one would ever miss, least of all me.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? The entire body wax would be a no brainer, but I'm realllllllly obsessive about having hair on my head. Don't know if I could do it.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? It would have to be more like $250,000, and I'd still have to have insult-by-insult accounts of Project Runway and Top Chef.