It had to be told

Yes, yes, I remember all the shit I just wrote about not blogging anymore and all that - and I meant it, really I did. But I just got house blogger dibs on something that happened here this weekend, and I would be remiss in my duties (and get pinched down like a bitch) if I did not share it with You, the Internet as a Whole, and it is a dish best served fresh.

Princess #1 spent a few days here last week, Sponge Bob videogaming, making the boys her slaves, and splashing in the giraffe pool. Um, that's a pool that's shaped like a giraffe, not an actual oasis for the leggy tree tonguers. She always has a great time here, though she has a bit of a running "feud" with the dogs. It's not that they ever do anything malicious to her - those dogs love children so much you can see little shades-of-grey hearts coming out their big, sad eyes when they encounter human spawn. But the dogs are huge, and Princess is not. Trouble is, she doesn't just yell at them if they're getting too boisterous for her; she yells if they give her kisses, she yells if they sniff her, she yells when they are several feet away from her and paying attention to something else entirely.

When her mother came to pick her up on Saturday night, though, Princess wanted to go play with the dogs while the adults talked, so she went off to the back yard with toys to throw and easily entertained pooches. We were all keeping an eye on her out there - you know she'd be safe out there with those two huge dogs to protect her, but we all feel better watching her too - and it was soon apparent that Princess wasn't throwing their toys so much as she was taunting them with their toys. She'd toss their soccer ball, then dash and scoop it up before they could get to it; she'd spin round and round with their stuffed squirrel and never release it...it went on for quite some time as we stood around inside.

When Princess came back inside, Jess and Nick headed out for hardware store; sometimes the princesses go a teeny tiny bit ballistic when they realize that they are expected to go home, that mundane place not fit for royalty, and it's a little easier if Jess isn't there for them to pull the old "grab n' cling with all your might" maneuver. So Princess' mom and I sat and talked for a little bit, and Princess decided she wanted to go back and play with the doggies. Her mom told her it would be okay for a minute, but then they would need to go home.

Princess was outside for all of one minute. The next thing we knew, there was a slamming door and the appearance of a sobbing, disheveled five-year-old storming into the room.

Her mom sprang up to see what was wrong. As she was checking for injuries, Princess shouted, "Tho-ho-hose dogs hurt me!"

We asked her what happened.

"Tho-ho-hose dogs knocked me down and hurt me!"

Her mom wasn't coming up with any visible injuries, and both of us were beginning to realize what had really happened out there. "You're not hurt," her mom told her.

Through a fresh outburst of tears, Princess screamed, "I'm bleeding!"

We had to stifle our laughter at that point, because she most certainly was not bleeding. The worst of her injuries was the smudge of dirt on her Hello Kitty shirt.

Then I noticed she was only wearing one Hello Kitty shoe. I was pretty sure I could guess where the other one was.

I headed out the back door and was greeted on the porch by a smiling, triumphant, tail-waggin' Moo, who happened to be holding one Hello Kitty shoe in her mouth. It was completely unharmed and she surrendered it as soon as I held out my hand. Then she and Hermione trotted off together, and I swear if I hadn't been watching, they'd have high-fived each other. Princess gets the big payback.

When I delivered the Moo shoe, we tried to explain to Princess that the dogs just knocked her down and took her shoe because she had been teasing them.

"But I wasn't!" she wailed with the kind of high drama that only a five-year-old can muster with a straight face. "They're just bad dogs! Jessica and Nick should never have gotten those dogs!"

At that point, her mom decided they needed to leave, because she and I were having a hell of a time trying not to just bust out laughing, and that could only have made the ride home more filled with dark clouds and stink eye.

Gotta give the dogs the point on this one.