Ain't ready for autumn

Holy fuck, there went summer and here comes fall.

Shameful when you consider that I now live in a beach town and not once this year did my bare feet come into contact with any sand. But then again, the beach is more of a visual event for me than anything else. Really, I'm not into getting tanned, because I don't - I just burn over and over again, and I can think of all kinds of much more interesting ways to give myself cancer. Swimming is out; even if I could swim, which I can't, there's no fucking way you'd get me in the lake. I make it a point to avoid dipping myself in water where there's no clear indication if someone urinates.

So when I go to the lakeshore, I go as an observer. I do not participate, but instead am awestruck witness as thunderstorms roll in over Lake Michigan, twice as fierce over the water, as the seagulls mob unsuspecting beachgoers for their chips and fries, as a dazzling array of bikini-clad bosoms bounce and jostle past me on the uneven sand, leaving perfect thonged bottoms in their wake. It's not such a bad gig after all.

But now that I've realized that there are only a couple more days of summer left, officially speaking, there is a sense of urgency for me to go do some summery things that I vowed to do and somehow just never did:

• I want to wander through some of the local parks before the leaves turn and drop. My one foray into Duncan Woods this year wasn't for very long, and I didn't get much farther than the parking lot. So, in the next few days, I need to hit Duncan Woods, Hoffma Park, Pottawatomie Park...isn't "Pottawatomie" a cool name? I grew up hearing it all the time around here, so never thought twice about it until I didn't live here anymore. It's a very percussive word. Pottawatomie. Pottawatomie. Pottawatomie. Yes, I'm easily amused.
  
  
• The zoo, the zoo, the zoo! It's been too long since I went to any zoo, and I haven't been to John Ball Zoo in Grand Rapids since I was in high school. Was supposed to go there on a date a few weeks ago, but that didn't work out, so I think a solo trip is in order. You know I never pass up the chance to pester some animals. Just ask those farms cats that I chase around with my camera. Of course, I'm hoping to catch the monkeys spanking the monkey. Or do they call it that? Perhaps monkeys have no use for euphemisms, and they just call it "yay! fun penis yanking."
  
  
• It's not like I haven't taken any road trips this summer, but I'm not ready to quit yet. I'm hankerin' for another travel adventure before I start teaching again in October. Who wants me to come over? I'll bring pretzels.
  
  
• Before it starts to get cold out, I need to hold the Nerf dartgun tournament I've been dreaming of for months. There will be points awarded for both speed and accuracy as contestants use my Nerf gun to knock action figures off the porch. When this happens, you can expect video of the event to be shown here, exclusively. They will be SO jealous over at The Ocho.
  
  
• My dream of riding through downtown Grand Haven as Lady Godiva must be realized before the temperatures drop. Since I refuse to ride a horse - I can think of better ways to make myself sore and bowlegged for days - I will have to use a bicycle for my nekkid parade. Um, does anyone have a protective seat cover I could borrow?