If I hear those fucking dogs barking "Jingle Bells" one more time...

Christmas, for me, is like an ice-water enema: you dread it, you do it, you get it over with, and then you shiver in the corner for a week afterward.

Really, if you can work in retail this time of year and still enjoy Christmas, then you're made of stronger and more tolerant stuff than I am. Go forth in your reindeer sweater and Star of Bethlehem scrunchie and enjoy yourself.

For the rest of you, I ask that you be kind to those of us who must slap on the nametag today and deal with your last-minute shopping panic.

• Please don't try to haggle; buy it or don't buy it, but understand that I cannot do a damned thing about the marked price.
  
  
• Don't bring your fifteen children into the store and just turn them loose to destroy everything in sight; also, consider birth control.
  
  
• Don't make me accompany you to the parts drawers, then basically ask me "How do I build [whatever complicated electronic device you are considering]?" Seriously, if I could build that shit, don't you think I'd be doing that for a living? I can show you where the parts are stocked, but if you have no idea what part performs which function, or how to tie them together, then you probably need to stay the fuck away from the parts drawers. (Okay, this bothers me any time of the year, but at Christmas, I really really don't have time for that shit.)
  
  
• Do not wander into the store two minutes before the posted closing time, and then say "I'm just looking" when I try to wait on you; the time for "just looking" was over an hour ago. We are not a fucking library, and we'd like to go home now, not watch you mouth breathe all over the store with no sense of time or purpose.
  
  
• Don't be a douche. I know that's a tall order, but if you want me to care about the quality of service I give you, then it's a good idea not to needlessly antagonize me right off the bat. I'll bet waitresses piss in your soup, too.

There. Now you've had the full benefit of my Christmas cheer. In closing, I'd like to leave you with a little musical number that I hope touches your heart the way it touched mine: