the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, December 24, 2009

If I hear those fucking dogs barking "Jingle Bells" one more time...

Christmas, for me, is like an ice-water enema: you dread it, you do it, you get it over with, and then you shiver in the corner for a week afterward.

Really, if you can work in retail this time of year and still enjoy Christmas, then you're made of stronger and more tolerant stuff than I am. Go forth in your reindeer sweater and Star of Bethlehem scrunchie and enjoy yourself.

For the rest of you, I ask that you be kind to those of us who must slap on the nametag today and deal with your last-minute shopping panic.

  • Please don't try to haggle; buy it or don't buy it, but understand that I cannot do a damned thing about the marked price.

  • Don't bring your fifteen children into the store and just turn them loose to destroy everything in sight; also, consider birth control.

  • Don't make me accompany you to the parts drawers, then basically ask me "How do I build [whatever complicated electronic device you are considering]?" Seriously, if I could build that shit, don't you think I'd be doing that for a living? I can show you where the parts are stocked, but if you have no idea what part performs which function, or how to tie them together, then you probably need to stay the fuck away from the parts drawers. (Okay, this bothers me any time of the year, but at Christmas, I really really don't have time for that shit.)

  • Do not wander into the store two minutes before the posted closing time, and then say "I'm just looking" when I try to wait on you; the time for "just looking" was over an hour ago. We are not a fucking library, and we'd like to go home now, not watch you mouth breathe all over the store with no sense of time or purpose.

  • Don't be a douche. I know that's a tall order, but if you want me to care about the quality of service I give you, then it's a good idea not to needlessly antagonize me right off the bat. I'll bet waitresses piss in your soup, too.

There. Now you've had the full benefit of my Christmas cheer. In closing, I'd like to leave you with a little musical number that I hope touches your heart the way it touched mine:




9 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

I barely survive Christmas each year and I don't even work retail. Now then, could you show me how to rewire this gadget with one of these little doohickies? My brother-in-law suggested that it will dramatically increase the processing speed of my whatchacallit, but I don't really have any idea how to start. Sorry about strolling in 4 minutes before you close, but I figured you'd have more time to help me after you put the "CLOSED" sign up and keep all those wackos out, right? ;) Merry effin Christmas, Bucky!

10:17 AM, December 24, 2009  
Blogger Squirl said...

Wow, this Christmas post was so warm and touching. Excuse while a wipe a tear out of my eye.

Srsly, though, Merry effin' Christmas from me, too!

Now, to go back and watch James Franco again...

11:05 AM, December 24, 2009  
Blogger von Krankipantzen said...

Oh yeah, I remember retail this time of year. What a soul sucking time fraught with assholes, dorks and freaks. And that is just your co-workers. I bought practically everything online this year and am happier for it. The UPS guy hates my ass though. Hope you get some time off this year because you DESERVE IT! Merry Christmas blah blah blah...

;-)

10:24 PM, December 24, 2009  
Blogger Eddie said...

Wise words to hear at this time of year..eddie

10:49 AM, December 25, 2009  
Anonymous Susie said...

In fairness to the hagglers -- first, let me say, I don't haggle, don't have the personality for it (except that one time), but I do keep seeing on all the morning shows, the talk shows, etc., that people should haggle now; that in this economy, haggling is the done thing. I suspect that people who would not ordinarily haggle feel that they should at least make the effort. I don't know why those news people keep giving this advice; I didn't think it made any sense, either, having worked in retail. I certainly never had the power to lower a price. But I can attest, we consumers are being told to do it.

And Merry effin' Christmas. Highlight of my day was when my DEVOUT Roman Catholic MIL asked, in an annoyed tone, "WHOSE birthday is it?!" when the children brought out the Jesus cake with candles. :D

8:33 PM, December 25, 2009  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Uuuuuuughhhh....suffering retail PTSD from 14 years of the being all up in THAT bitch. I'm so sorry!

3:26 PM, December 28, 2009  
Blogger Shauna (Fido and Wino) said...

"Go forth in your reindeer sweater"- made me laugh! Hope you made it through alright!

12:21 PM, December 29, 2009  
Blogger Maven said...

Happy New Year, Buckster! May 2010 be abundant in happiness, good health, and many more opportunities for you to wear your assless chaps!

3:44 PM, January 01, 2010  
Anonymous Flying Mermaid said...

I reckon I feel truly blessed that Christmas comes and goes without me ever hearing a single Christmas tune, seeing a single ad, or even seeing a STORE, let alone going in one. Often it passes without me even being aware of the day.

12:55 AM, January 13, 2010  

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