the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Friday, June 11, 2010

Teenage mutant ninja assholes

Six or seven young men, probably spanning the magical ages 17 to 20, almost walk past. Almost. Then one turns on a whim, redirects his friends, and just like that, the store is fully stocked with a species I like to call Teenagers With Time To Waste.

One of the younger guys approaches me, his face the very picture of cherubic sincerity, and asks,
"Excuse me, ma'am - do you have vibrators?"

So that's it, huh? A little game of Shock the Old White Lady? (Hint: He has picked the wrong Old White Lady.)

I play dumb. "A vibrator? For what?"

"Ummmm...." His friends are tittering behind him as he grins and drops his gaze. "I don't think I should say."

I nod understandingly. He seems slightly uncomfortable now that the Old White Lady has become his vibrator confidante. "We do have a massager," I tell him, leading him to the product and putting it in his hand. His friends are loving this.

He turns the package over and around in his hands, his face a battlefield of curiosity and mild disgust, and blurts out, "This too big!"

Everyone laughs, and I figure that'll be the end of it. But now they're all loosened up and rowdy, and pretty soon the store is filled with the sound of teenagers being as loud as we all know teenagers can be.

Another one of the guys finds a megaphone, and wants me to unbox it so he can check it out.

My personal thoughts on the matter: Giving an obnoxious teenager a megaphone while in a store with other customers present is almost as intelligent a notion as giving the window seat to a sumo wrestler with explosive diarrhea.

I refuse to unbox the megaphone. Megaphone Dude and I go 'round a little bit; these guys were amusing at first, but now they're collectively getting on my nerves. One of his friends leans around me to read my nametag.

"Hey..." reads tag again "...Katty?" Well, yes, I can be catty, but it's not how my name is pronounced. Nice try. I acknowledge him anyway.

"Are you married, Katty?"

It's an odd question, so I give an odd answer. "Yes." I have no idea where this conversation is going, and I'm not sure I want to know how he'd respond if I said "No."

He looks surprised. As he probably should. He demands, "To who?"

I turn, lock eyes with him, and answer clearly: "My wife."

There is a split second when the whole group screeches to a completely silent halt; all that's missing is the sound of a needle ripping across vinyl. Then a collective "Whoooooooooooooo!" erupts from all the friends. Without another word to me, they turn and head for the exit in tandem and with all due haste. It's kind of amazing, like a school of fish who change course on a dime at the scent of danger or muff divery. The last thing I hear from them as they hustle out the door is "There's some freaky shit goin' down in here!"

Freaky shit, indeed. Score one for the Old White Lady.

14 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

Score one, indeed! I think you handled the situation perfectly.

10:37 AM, June 11, 2010  
Blogger eclectic said...

Your wife is one lucky beeyotch, you freaky little old white lady, you! There should be an entrance sensor that denies access to the store for people between the ages of 1 and 27 without an accompanying real adult.

11:13 AM, June 11, 2010  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

Awesome!

12:34 PM, June 11, 2010  
Anonymous sheryl said...

I loved that story. Wanted to be there standing next to you for that one!

2:29 PM, June 11, 2010  
Blogger Contrary Guy said...

hilarious... it's retail hell but you're holding the pitchfork

9:04 PM, June 11, 2010  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Squirl - I'm gonna keep this strategy in mind next time a flock of teens shows up.

E - I'm glad you added "real" - we have plenty of "not quite" adults who bring their kids in and just turn 'em loose.

Charlotte - I was representin'.

Sheryl - I would SO have introduced you as my wife. "This is the little woman..."

9:07 PM, June 11, 2010  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Contrary Guy - I like that. And so does my pitchfork.

9:11 PM, June 11, 2010  
Blogger Jessica said...

HAHAHHAAHAA. I love that. The whole thing. Love. It.

9:22 PM, June 11, 2010  
Anonymous Susie said...

I was so happy to see that you posted, then I was even happier to see WHAT you posted, old white lady.

10:00 PM, June 11, 2010  
Anonymous Flying Mermaid said...

Haahahha, great tale, great to see you spouting, but here's a time you can be thankful you're in the mid-west. Coastal teenagers would have just BEGUN the convo at that stage!

1:54 PM, June 13, 2010  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I'll mark on up for ya, Bucky. I must remember to drop by more often. I miss you decriptons: Giving an obnoxious teenager a megaphone while in a store with other customers present is almost as intelligent a notion as giving the window seat to a sumo wrestler with explosive diarrhea

1:38 PM, June 16, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are awesome. I am betting that two of the five jerked off over the thought of it later.

12:33 PM, June 28, 2010  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Award winning!

5:06 PM, June 29, 2010  
Blogger Effie said...

heehee

hi bucky!

4:55 PM, July 14, 2010  

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