the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, October 31, 2005

Scare me shitless, why don'tcha? sick bastards jumped right on the Amelia Earhart bonewagon, didn't you? I see exactly how it is - you smell weakness (and a trace of haddock) and you pounce like rabid corn weasels, all in a pack.

At the risk of exposing my tender flanks to your razor-sharp teeth of torture, I'd like to expound on some things that really do scare the holy livin' fuck outta me, broken into arbitrary categories:

  • Joan Rivers. She was replaced sometime around 1994 with a ventriloquist doll, when it was determined that the dummy actually looked closer to a human than Joan did at that point. The real Joan been sent back to the factory to see if anything can be loosened without the whole damn thing crashin' down around her neck.
  • Regis. Why is he always YELLING? He sounds like somebody just put honey on his schlong and let the fire ants loose.
  • Judge Judy. Why doesn't someone require shots and a license for this bitch?
  • General Hospital. Yes, it is my favorite show. But some of their leaps in logic and the way certain plot development points are completely cast aside when convenient makes my head spin, even in my state of advanced disbelief suspension. Sometimes it hurts my arms to keep that much disbelief suspended at any one time.
  • Boy bands. Have we learned nothing from the mistakes of Menudo?
  • Kevin Federline. Does Britney not have handlers that take down the circling leeches with tranquilizer guns? If those fuckers had done their job, Kevin would only now be awakening, even more confused than usual, in the recovery room at the Scumbag Sedation Trailer.
  • Yanni. Generally, I'm in favor of men havin' long hair, but Yanni just begs for a buzzcut. Why does this man make me think of a garden gnome with a grand piano? Someone please make him stop. Stopolis his Acropolis.
  • John Tesh. I feel no pressing need to elaborate on this one.
  • The kabuki dance/strobe light sequence in Flashdance. Because that's what every man wants to see in a strip club - a girl in kabuki makeup, simulating a seizure onstage, and never once barin' the tatas.
  • The leg warmers and off-the-shoulders sweatshirts in Flashdance. The negative impact of the fashion aftermath from this movie cannot be underestimated.
  • The scene in Footloose where Kevin Bacon decides he can't take it no more, man, and dances his little chicken legs off, illuminated by the headlights of his yellow VW bug. No matter how much I drink, I'll never wipe the horrible memory from my mind's eye.
  • Footloose again - the montage where Kevin Bacon teaches cowboy Chris Penn to dance, and they cavort together in a field. Is this really how straight men behave in small towns? Sure, just before they disappear and wind up next to Amelia Earhart.
  • There are no other movies that are as frightening as Flashdance and Footloose.
  • Amelia Earhart doesn't scare me.
  • Amelia Earhart doesn't scare me.
  • Amelia Earhart doesn't scare me.
  • Amelia Earhart doesn't scare me.
  • Amelia Earhart doesn't scare me.
  • Her bones, though? HOLY SHIT! Fingers in ears...NOW.
I hope all you disturbed motherfuckers have a most joyous Halloween, except for those who teased me so mercilessly once my weakness was exposed. I shake my finger at all of you.

And you don't know where that finger has been. How's that for scary, huh?

24 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Ticklish Ideas said...

We can work as a team - I'll pin Yanni's arms back and you can run the hair clippers.

2:38 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Joan Rivers -- Word. More scary? She procreated.
Regis -- A. Noying.
Judge Judy -- Ha!
GH -- Probably why I stopped watching.

Boy bands -- But they're so fun to make fun of!
Kevin Federline -- I know! Weird, huh? More scary? He procreated!
Yanni -- You hold him down, I'll use the clippers...
John Tesh -- *shudder*

Flashdance sequence -- I never quite 'got' that one either.... but it was ARTSY.
Leg warmers, off-the-shoulders sweaters -- But they were COOL!
Footloose -- I used to think I wanted to marry a man who could move like that... right up until the Chris Penn sequence.

You can't scare me by shaking a finger at me! You know, unless there's a really big boogie on the end of it... that would be kinda scary...

2:45 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Is that your finger you're shakin'...or your alleged schlong?

3:22 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

You know when you give in to dancing like a maniac like you have never danced before sometimes seizures just set in.

And Footloose is super gaytastic and sometimes you just gotta show your rage with a good montage of things that just happened 3 minutes ago while ripping off your sweatshirt and doing the robot.

3:34 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

Hey, you put honey and fire ants on your schlong, (alleged of course) and see if you don't scream like Tarzan sitting on an elephant tusk.

Joan is a piece of shit come to life, but not cool like Mr. Hankey.

Judge Judy is a bird. And I hate her.

Regis, see explanation above.

GH, Man, that show comes on at the crack of dawn. Who is up at the godforsaken hour of 2:00 pm to watch?

And like Renn McfuckingCormick, I too like to drink beer, smoke cigarettes, and do quick dance moves with sporadic bouts of gymnastics thrown in, when no one understands me.

Who doesn't?

4:00 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Oh my goodness--you've hit them all exactly! Regis is always yelling--DRIVES ME CRAZY!

Never watched Flashdance or Footloose--am I missing anything?

And, I don't WANT to know where your finger has been--eeew!

4:14 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

GH - amazing that Jason's leather jacket has been shot up at LEAST 5 or 6 times and there are no holes. I think it has magical powers. And how the hell can they fly from Hawaii to Port Chuck in 26 minutes.

Regis...I wonder if he screams in bed with Joy like that? Gack.

Happy Treat Night to ya!

4:47 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

But there was that one scene in Flashdance where she's using her toes under the table -- THAT's worth seeing the movie once... if you're 14 and it's the 80s.

7:08 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Mahala said...

You'll be pleased to know that John Tesh now has a syndicated radio show, much like the hated Delilah, where he offers unknown tidbits of information like household hints and love advice between songs. It'll put you right to sleep when you're on that long ride home.

I never saw Footloose. Still haven't. But I bought the Flashdance album.

7:43 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

I put the honey and the fire ants in Regis's scrotum.

You're welcome. :o)

7:52 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Amelia Earhart's bones are still out there, Bucky. Okay that's not as scary as Joan Rivers, I know. She's walking around showing her skeleton.

I hope you've given all the candy you can to the neighborhood kids so they can bounce off the walls for their parents.

Happy Halloweenie!

8:27 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

*drops mouth*

You make fun of Yanni AND a gnome all one one breath?!

Have you night heard the Live at the Acropolis? HOLY SHIT!

9:20 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

It wasn’t weakness or haddock that provoked the pouncing, but the smell of the cold sweat of fear. After all, Bucky, ‘tis the season when one supposedly wants to feel scared shitless. So…… A big serving of Amelia Earhart’s bones to ya.

10:16 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I will not abide you criticizing the off-the-shoulder sweatshirt from Flashdance. Show me you can remove your bra for me without exposing a single square inch of the good stuff, and I'll buy your argument. Till then, Flashdance will remain in my Classic Archives.

Plus which - a welder AND a stripper? Please. That's a fantasy woman, for ya. But I should have known even then she'd end up on the L-Word. I mean, the work boots alone ...

10:21 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Joan IS one scary broad. To quote one of her own lines..."She had her face pulled too tight. It looks like someone gave her an enema with a vacuum cleaner".

And don't worry about Amelia Earhart, Buckster. She went down in the Bermuda Triangle and is living on Paradise Island with Wonder Woman. True story.

11:07 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Oh, my. Plastic-faced human beings scare me.

Kelly, of Regis and Kelly? I just adore her. Seriously, I think she's cute and funny, and saves his loud old ass all the time. I don't like ANYONE yelling at me, ever. Don't yell at me. Anyone. Ever.

11:09 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

All these things are spooky. Most of all Footloose. That shit ain't right.

11:46 PM, October 31, 2005  
Blogger hemlock said...

I only saw Footloose three years ago. You can imagine my horror. Guys dancing like that creep me out...but not Napoleon Dynamite...that was cool.

And Joan?? If someone sticks a pin in her, her face will implode.

8:55 AM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ok, who remembers the dinner scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where they cut into the turkey and it just sort of disintegrates...?

That's Joan Rivers' face. One little pin prick and *PAH!* all gone.

Nilbo, I can *totally* do that.

9:05 AM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Ah, Kelli .. not only CAN you do it, you HAVE. My dreams are a very happy place.

11:27 AM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

I can't read the rest - I'm still dying from the Menudo comment...

11:35 AM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger Kassi Gilbert said...

It really should have been Movies starting with the letter "F", or Movies with gratuitous bad dance scenes....
either way...
I agree.

8:33 PM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

Dearest Bucky... having grown up in the mighty metropolis of Union Lake, i can tell you that ues, that is how men behave in small towns. which is why I got the hell out 30 years ago!

11:08 PM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger Ern said...

I'm jumpin' in the fray a bit late, but...

Joan Rivers is on some plastic surgery farm somewhere with Janice Dickinson, I'm quite sure of it.

WHY can't Regis pronounce anyone's name? And how has he remained in the entertainment industry this long with that disability?

And Nilbo, I think you will be pleased to know that MANY women can do that with their bra, and it does not reqire an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt.

3:01 AM, November 02, 2005  

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