the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, October 24, 2005

It's Monday, get the fuck out of my way

These boots were made for stompin'...


Could I truly be the psychopathic bitch you've all come to know and tolerate if I didn't have the occasional violent outburst? Well, could I? Don't sit there cowering, bring mommy her bitchy boots and then quiver in silence.

Normally, I'm a peaceful little hippie with an overwhelming desire to avoid confrontation. But there are times, like, say, Monday mornings, where my inner Attilla pops its head out of one of the many caves inside my skull and says "Time to fuck somebody up, you ho-bag." Therefore, I have decided to compile a list of ways that you, too, can get one or both of these boots right up your ass.

  • Grab 'hold of my inner lady bits with a cold metal clamp, proceed to twirl the clamp, and then tell me "Oh, that doesn't hurt" as the remaining color drains out of my face and I break out in a full-body cold sweat.
  • Attempt to hold a high-speed and meaningful conversation with me before I've been awake for a full hour yet. Thou shalt not.
  • When I see an actor or actress and say, "I'm sure I've seen him/her in something else before...", make sure you quickly assure me that this person just has "that generic look" and therefore, I do not actually recognize this person. No, fucker, if I say I've seen that ho in a movie before, chances are, I have. Do not doubt me.
  • Hide my Geritol. This offense might go beyond a simple stompin' though, and pass right on to serious beating. With my walker. I might, in fact, put my whole walker up your ass.
  • Bring your small children to a nice restaurant, then let them scream at top volume right next to me as I'm attempting to converse (or conversate, if I am with Flanella Jo) and eat my $14.00 appetizer. Do you really want me to get in touch with my inner Fat Bastard?
  • Send me repeated emails advertising the jack rabbit vibrator (when you come out with the Jack Hammer vibrator, then we can talk) or ads for improving my penis (my alleged schlong, thank you very much) that say things like "Imagine a new huge Pecker full of energy. Just huge. Smash the ladies like crazy!" Because that's what we ladies want, you know. To be smashed like crazy.
  • Wait until you see me come in with a bag of takeout food, then stop me in the hall and attempt to engage me in an intense conversation about converting and cropping a graphics file. Do you see my food icing over as we talk, or rather, as you talk and I squirm and look for an escape route? Your graphics file does not need to be warm to be enjoyed, unlike my lunch. For fuck's sake, woman, let me eat!
  • Interrupt General Hospital for breaking news. Does anybody think I seriously care that there's a tornado bearin' down on my neighborhood when I need to find out who fathered Courtney's baby? Priorities, people...
I feel better now. If I haven't mentioned you here, and you'd really like my boot up your ass, drop me a line and we can work something out. I am nothing if not an accomdating bitch.

41 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

Wow, you are as good at lists as Ladybug is. I think I just might print this off so I can study it. Do NOT want to be on the stompin' end of those boots. And if I say I think I recognize an actor/actress, yeah, I'm probably right too.

And who did father Courtney's baby?

10:39 AM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Animated conversation is outlawed here before 8:00 am, 10 on the weekends.

Stomp on, sister.

10:42 AM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

SOME one put on her grumpy britches this morning.

10:46 AM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Squirl - she won't be able to take the paternity test until this week or next week. The slut has it narrowed down to Jax or Nikolas. Jax doesn't know she's miraculously pregnant. Nikolas knows, and so do Emily, Sonny, and Mike (Courtney and Sonny's dad).
So you just know Jax has to be the daddy.

Eclectic - I think it's a fair rule. Want me to come over and kick some ass at your house, too?

10:46 AM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - I missed you! Yup, Grumpy McBitcheroo reporting for duty.

10:47 AM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Awe shucks... *face turns red*

...I missed you too. :)

11:25 AM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

I highly recommend the Skechers boots with the pointy toe, otherwise known as:

a - Beatle boots, if you're Nilbo
b - roach stompers, if you are below the Mason-Dixon line, cause the bugs down there are measured in lbs.
c - shit-kickers, if you grew up in a home where your relatives are even 1/64th redneck.

12:07 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Happy Monday, Bucky! How are YOU today? My, you're looking lovely today. Well, every day really. What's that? Why yes... those are very nice boots. I'm sorry, did you say bend over? Wait! Wait! Couldn't I just get you a cup of coffee or something instead!!!

Hellllppp meeeeeee!!!!!!!!

(for a second there, I thought you had a VIOLET outburst)

12:20 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Ticklish Ideas said...

I am so gonna get stomped for this, but:

eclectic, that sounds like a great system.

Hi Bucky. I'm delurking - great place you've got here!

12:23 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Love the boots--I have me some days like that....and also some of those days that I just want to curl back under the covers so I don't have to face the world....

12:40 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - come a little I can HUG you. Yeah, that's it!

Opera gal - ooooh, Skechers! I love my Skechers tennis shoes. I think I will call the Skechers boots Beatles boots, because I am nearly as ancient as Nilbo. And because I used to have an awesome pair of black suede Beatles boots. Are they Beatles boots if they're suede?

CKelli - Your ass will be safe and boot free, by virtue of your status as Ringmaster. But this means I get to drop by and put my whole head in the lion's mouth any time I want...

Maven - Welcome to the Cotillion! Enjoy your boot-free ass today, because you are new and you sent us all a cartoon. We like cartoons 'round here!

Effie - my boots and I would definitely have preferred to stay in bed this morning.

12:49 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Under the big top, putting your whole head in the lion's mouth means watching three little clowns who are riding a sugar high and haven't napped in three days. Have at it! :)

1:02 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Oh, dear lord, what have I volunteered for this time?

1:20 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

You're taking the clowns trick or treating, ain't ya?

1:36 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

CKelli - I thought the clowns were takin' ME trick or treating.
I mean, if we're talkin' strictly on a maturity level here, I definitely need babysitters more than the little clowns do.

1:42 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

What, and get icky grrrl germs? Yeah, right!

1:51 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Yeah, but the icky grrl germs come in some pretty cool packaging... ;)

Bucky -- Hm. This may need further consideration.

2:16 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - I can assure you that any icky grrrrl germs you get from me will be curable with penicillin.

CKelli - does this mean I don't get to be in the circus? Man, I always get cut from the circus.

totally unfair.

2:35 PM, October 24, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You were conversating with Flanella? Flanella Jo is my one true love. Please give her my BEST.


3:10 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Pokey - I must confess, I probably haven't seen Flanella Jo since you have. 'Twas just wishful thinking on my part.
I know she is your one true love, and THAT just won't be the same without her.

Flanella Jo, if you're reading and lurking in silence - please end our misery and show yourself, woman! Pokey really needs you. And so does THAT.

3:16 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Woo hoo for girl germs free from sucky packaging!

3:26 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

Beatle boots are the leather with the elastic sides - no suede, sorry.
Just like the ones they wore in the early nehru-jacket days.

3:28 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - pucker up, baby.

Opera gal - Dangit, I had the wrong boots with my Nehru jacket...

3:39 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

I wondered why I was in a cranky mood today... due to insomnia I didn't realize it's Monday!

I'm 'gonna' be putting on my Harley Davidson boots right away!

4:49 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Kassi Gilbert said...

...seriously. DON'T interrupt General Hospital. Hasn't that been a law since 1978?

5:58 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Sierrabella - you go kick some ass on that side o' the country. Eventually, we can get 'em all done.

Kassi - Yes, I believe its unofficial name was the Luke and Laura Act.

7:27 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

I'm with you on the small children in restaurants part. But, then again, it's usually my niece and nephew doing the screaming. More nephew than niece, but you get the point.
My SIL's response: "He's a boy. He's *supposed* to act like this." Me: "I'm an aunt. I'm *supposed* to get drunk everytime I eat dinner with your children."
I can't wait for paybacks to occur in 40 years when I get old and have an excuse to embarrass my brother's children.

7:39 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

That act would be Sub. S. B. No. 107As Passed by the House of Quartermaine, Sept. of 1979

8:18 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

M_D - I think aunties and alcohol go right together when screaming kids are involved. That's why I'm an auntie and not a mom.

Opera gal - *whispering* you're one of us!

8:30 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

I'm such a goof actually I had to call my mom and ask her what to say - she's been watching the show since then. I think I've seen *maybe* 2-3 episodes total.
but that leaves more GH for all of you, so thats a good thing, right?

9:23 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

No Felicia..., no Eclectic.

10:07 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

quit your bitchen.

*running to hide now*

10:09 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ah! The beauty of Mondays—shit and all! Glad you let it all hang out so you may now have a passively serene Tuesday. Peace, sister!

10:49 PM, October 24, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Get in me belly!"
I like the taste of bitch.

11:24 PM, October 24, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Lets just hang out and be bitches together.

It will either be fun, or the world will blow up.

Either way, we win.

4:04 AM, October 25, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Opera gal - I can tell that you secretly WANT to be a GH freak, too. Don't worry, many of us can bring you up to will only hurt a little...

Eclectic - I know, and after all these years they REPLACED FELICIA this year! Why why why?

Kristine - you are lucky it's now Tuesday, you cheeky monkey. And that you are too far away for my boot to damage you in any way.

SS Nick - Peace, brotha! I am now much more serene than I was yesterday, no doubt thanks to the mellow vibes you sent my way.

Girl.A - I'll fight you for the turkey leg.

Mrtl - aaaaah, I'm cured! Well, not cured, but at least one day closer to the blessed weekend.

Jess - Can two of us be a posse? I think so, if it's us. We certainly count as more than one bitch apiece.

8:42 AM, October 25, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

So, on the way home last night I heard that Rick Springfield, Dr. Noah Drake, will be returning to GH.

Just thought you would like to know...

9:17 AM, October 25, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

So, if it's Bitchy Mondays--what's Tuesday? Tired out but Tryin'?

9:35 AM, October 25, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...




5:34 PM, October 25, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehe...I think Bucky must be my secret twin. I could make one HUGE list with things that piss me off. Anyway, grumpy britches are allowed on a Monday. :)

10:36 AM, October 26, 2005  
Blogger SWSNBN said...

Well, I know who fathered Courtney's baby. Cause I read Soap Opera Digest.

I like to spoil it for myself.

What do you think about them recasting Carly ALREADY again?

I'm so annoyed, I was just beginning to get used to the last one. :p

12:55 AM, October 30, 2005  

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