the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Hey, hey, we're the vaginas

I was over lookin' at Sometimes Saintly Nick's site, and I noticed that he was displaying monkey book ends.

Of course, anyone who's the least bit familiar with me understands that the first thing I'm gonna think is "Monkey = Vagina." And it does, no matter how much Amanda B. might protest that a monkey is just a monkey.

And as I sit here at my desk, I start to think about the logistics of monkey book ends. I have questions, serious questions, and I need answers before I can consider my life on an even keel.

  • Can you buy the monkeys, or are they just for rent?
  • Must they be cleaned with Massengill?
  • If so, how often?
  • Will my books get that "not so fresh feeling"?
  • Do I need to put thongs on the monkeys before my friends can bring their kids over?
  • What are the monkeys' grooming needs?
  • Will the monkeys require pap smears?
  • Shaved, waxed, or natural monkeys?
  • Will a man ever actually take a book from the shelf, or will he spend all his time admiring the monkeys?
  • How many bananas can the monkeys hold?
  • If I spend too long polishing the monkeys, will the neighbors talk?
Oh, and speaking of monkeys and/or vaginas, since I posted that incredibly selfish "Katy needs..." list yesterday, I'd like to instead concentrate on the needs of a friend today. Because that's the kind of big-vagina'd hearted person I am. So, in the spirit of giving and camaraderie, I'd like to tell you all what my pal Nilbo needs, and I didn't even have to Google it:

  • Nilbo needs...an ice-water enema.
  • Nilbo needs...clothespins on his testicles (just for fun).
  • Nilbo needs...seventeen hours of oral sex. From Carol Channing.
  • Nilbo needs...titty tassles.
  • Nilbo needs...to understand that tellin' a woman that she weighs 190 kilos automatically means revenge is on the way.
  • Nilbo needs...my foot in his ass (just for fun).
  • Nilbo needs...to wear my ass for a hat for all eternity.
  • Nilbo needs...to atone for his sins by posting video of himself step dancing. Naked.
  • Nilbo needs...to stop visiting those pastry porn sites.
  • Nilbo needs...to wonder why he ever started to run with all these blog bitches.
Nilbo, did I get that just about right? ;)

33 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Effie said...

Now how will I ever be able to read my children (when I ever have children) the Curious George books about the Curious Little Monkey?

9:26 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Nilbo needs...to know that you posted this. Just, you know, to see what his reaction is. :-)

Happy monkeys to everyone.

And don't be dissin' the Monkees!

9:27 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

What types of books are allowed between these lovely book ends?

How about: "Rockets, Planes, Cigars and all Things Phallic"

10:08 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Monkey = Vagina? That’s a new one for me. I'm glad that you linked to the monkey bookends that I’m selling so folks won’t think that I'm a pimp.

Actually, at the moment, I could use a vigina or two: just to rent for a while to reduce my rapidly increasing horniness.

10:56 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Effie - I think it's good for children to know about monkeys and their, um, curiousness. Or not.

Squirl - Heh, Nilbo hasn't waltzed in to claim his ice-water enema yet, but it's only a matter of time...

Mr. B - and don't forget the toilet plunger! (Oh, dear. Have I shared too much?)

SS Nick - there's my quote for the day "I could use a vagina or two..."

11:24 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Well, I did sort of hope that was our little secret. But since Target offers those plastic handled ones with the little beaded top, everyone should share in the enjoyment. Just remember:

Suction, lube and *then* ride.

11:33 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Dammit, I love you, Madame Bonehead!

11:37 AM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Holy shit, babe, we just had a simultaneous orgasm! You were just leaving me a message on my MySpace blog while I was leaving you one here! Well eat me senseless!

12:01 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - well, I just can't keep the plunger to myself anymore. It's too good not to pass around.
Um, of course, after a thorough treatment with disinfectant.

Emily - What is that about great minds and all?
And you've just given me the second quote of the day: "Well eat me senseless!"

12:04 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

-I know of one you can rent for two dollahs.

-Yes.

-Frequently, to avoid that not-so-fresh feeling.

-No, as long as you follow directions above.

-If your friends are bringing kids over, granny panties would be more appropriate than thongs.

-They need frequent stroking, brushing, and douching.

-Yes, annually.

-You'd better go with waxed, to avoid stray pubes in your favorite books.

-Do you even have to ask this one? I mean, really, what man WOULDN'T spend all his time admiring the monkeys, given the opportunity?

-One each, unless one of them is named Caverna.

-No, but you might go blind.

12:06 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Monkeying around again I see...

Life is just a barrel of monkeys...

Knock off the monkey bizniss... (or was that knock UP... whichever)

Monkey see, monkey do... (or is it monkey me, monkey you?)

12:12 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

LadyBug - have you seen my glasses? They weigh about 5 pounds. I think I've already got a good start on the monkey-polishin' blindness.

Eclectic - but what about monkey in the middle?

12:19 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Ah, darlin ... what I wouldn't give to wear your ass on my head. Although, it'd be a ten gallon hat on a baseball cap kinda guy ...

And I run with the blog bitches because you amuse me so ...

12:59 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Ohhhhh, Nilbo.
You won't think you're so clever when the ten gallons come crashin' down on you.

Ten gallons of cottage cheese.

Large curd.

1:14 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

OO00ooooo I wanna be here when the rumble goes down.


Hehehee, goes down.

hehehehheheheheeee

1:54 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Jess - I'm countin' on you to be on my side with your umbrella handy.

2:19 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Katy needs a crash helmet.

I actually saw those monkeys on ssnick's site and I thought of you. So did you, apparently ;)

3:04 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

You know, sometimes, I think I'm too young to be surfing some of these blogs. Other times, I just call my blog surfing "educational research".

3:47 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Mr.B: "How to win friends and influence people"

3:48 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie - what is it 'bout them monkeys? Does my monkey need a crash helmet?

Circus Kelli - We're ALL too young for this blog. And I'm an old bag.
And I think you'll do just fine stocking the bookshelf for the monkeys. :)

3:59 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Guess I should have paid closer attention to my little brother's Sea Monkeys!

I thought he was staring at them a little too much...

4:03 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

When a person "wins friends" do they like get to keep 'em and stuff? And is it this collection of friends that does the influencing or...it's so confusing.

(Still giggling at the "hey hey we're the vaginas" and imagining all the boys on the show running about with altered mouths.)

4:12 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Kassi said...

NOT the CURD!!

4:37 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

you want my monkey?!?

8:29 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Sierrabella - Man, everybody's talkin' about sea monkeys today! They were just discussed at Mrtl's place, too.

Mr. B - you are required to shelter any friends you win. And the Monkees with "monkey" mouths seems...well, why is it so easy for me to picture it?

Kassi - I had no choice but to break out the big guns.

Annejelynn - are you offering your monkey here? Do we have a sacrificial monkey?

9:12 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Sorry Annejelynn... we only sacrifice virgins....!

*heh*


(Bucky? Give me back the brownies. You're scaring me with all these you're letting slip past you....)

10:16 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

y'know, Bucky some of us dammit have to work and can only tune in LATE with the monkey theme song - and as a reminder, the vagina theme song for listeners who missed it last time>>>

10:40 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

MMM...brownies!
*drools*

We forgot one:
Monkey Spunk.

Thank you!
Good night, and don't forget to tip your waitstaff.
:::ending fanfare music:::

10:46 PM, October 18, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

You know I forgot to mention: someone put a musical comment on my page the other day. It was a cartoon old lady with dangling boobs that swung aroung while she belted out "Do Your Boobs Hang Low" sung to the tune of the old Ear song. At the end of the little number, her boobs swung around one time too many and, like the kid who finally DOES really fly the swing over the top bar (can that really happen?) her tits came up and whacked her in the face. That led her to blurt out, in her Granny-from-The-Beverly Hillbillies voice, "Dang nab it, Son of s Monkey Slap!"

I shit you not. The reason I didn't put this together earlier is that the fucking tune got stuck there, for days, so that anytime either I or anyone else went to my profile they were bombarded with it. Funny, once or twice, but did I really want that song to represent me to the world? Well, maybe, if I could have just kept Son of a Monkey Slap!

2:07 AM, October 19, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

What's the name of that group that sings the song "Rhyming Vagina" (that's not the exact title, but I just remember the lyrics...he even calls his mom to find a word that rhymes with vagina--North Carolina, etc....) They're the same ones who sing "You and me baby, we ain't nothin' but mammals so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel". My hubby laughs his head off whenever he listens to that CD....

8:57 AM, October 19, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Effie - The Bloodhound Gang!

Hooray for Boobies album.

9:01 AM, October 19, 2005  
Anonymous sheryl said...

I had to jump out from under my laptop and run to the bathroom to avoid pissing myself.

1:15 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Now with the rest of my sleep problems I can add nightmares of being attacked by tchotchkes!

1:27 PM, October 22, 2005  

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