the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Shiver me timbers

If you think Chihuahuas weren't bred for the sexual gratification of wealthy women, then you need to pull up a chair and get yourself some learnin', and pronto.

Follow my logic (but, by all means, put on protective gear first):

  • Chihuahuas are small, and thus easily portable by women, even women weakened by generations of aristocracy and inbreeding.
  • They are already hairless when you get them, which prevents all those embarassing questions like "Why is the hair rubbed off part of your dog?" Lack of hair also makes them infinitely easier to clean, though one should still maintain a cool temperature for hand washing, reshape and lay flat to dry.
  • Lemme clue you in to something: it's hot in Mexico. There is no reason, even their relative nudity, that those dogs should shiver. How many rich women have clasped a Chihuahua authoritatively between their ample thighs "just to warm up poor, shivering little Fernando"? Chihuahuas are walking, yapping vibrators.
  • Finally, I have proof that Chihuahuas are not victims in all this. As a matter of fact, they're kinky little bastards who often carry their own, uh, "accessories":

Chihuahua cuffs
Yo quiero discipline


If I've planted this seed correctly, you'll never look at the Taco Bell Chihuahua the same, ever again.


Hey, whaddya want from a Sunday post?

24 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Anonymous Paris said...

Tinkerbell is a vibrator? Ohhh .. that's hott.

7:26 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Small (chihuahua-size) world! I wrote the very same thing in my Sunday Post, except I backed it up with scripture references.

7:38 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

dios mio

7:50 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

mon dieu

Oops, sorry, I got caught up in Mrtl's comment.

I used to live next door to an older gay couple. Their chihuahua shivered incessantly. I don't even want to go there.

8:47 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

Hw and I walked to the market today. My utter fascination with chihuahuas is unrelenting, soooo, of course when the beefcake (purr... Kitty like) sex god walked by with a chihuahua I felt like my future second ex-husband was before me (because obviously I must have my way with Colin Ferrell as only Kitty Ferrell may). The sky opened up, the angels sang, let's just say the erotic soap operaesque scene erupting from thine melon was HAWWT!!!

For some reason, this little chihuahua kept staring at me. Totally ruined the mood. Little bastard.

I must have one.

10:24 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

So... you're getting a chihuahua named "Timbers"? Good call.

10:33 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

You make beastiality fun. Floyd would thank you for the laugh, but that's not his style.

10:48 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

OMG that explains so much about why people like little doggies...I just thought it was because if you didn't want to take Tinkerbell walkies you could just hold them out the window and squeeze.
That would explain the bug-eyes, anyway.

10:52 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I was once attacked by a chihuahua.

11:24 PM, October 09, 2005  
Anonymous dazed and confuzed said...

Plus the fact that you don't have to walk little dogs. You can just hold 'em out the window and squeeze 'em.

11:26 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

a new variation to "doggy style"

11:48 PM, October 09, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Wow, and all this time I just thought little dogs were made for punting.


Your a sick woman.

I like that.

2:09 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Paris - oh, don't pretend that's news to you, muzzle muff. And now that you've commented, I feel your family should be obligated to give me a free room at any of your hotels, whenever I want. THAT's hott.

Susie - See, I always forget to back up my work. You are a much more thorough researcher. Your chihuahua opinions can be respected, while mine can only be suspected.

Mrtl - que?

Squirl - I would imagine the chihuahua could be useful to a man as well, though I'm not nearly as familiar with the technique. Um, which I know about from my reading. That's it.

Kittay - you ain't had lovin' 'til you've had it under the watchful bugeyes of a chihuahua. Rowr!

Eclectic - I like it. And to think I was gonna name it Popeye.

Floyd - Oh, just wait 'til I get to the chapter on porcupines for the fussy masochist.

M_D - oh, I haven't even gotten to the best uses for the bug eyes...

SS Nick - dear lord, please tell me you had clothing on when the attack happened...chihuahuas are much less dangerous if they have to gnaw through clothing first...

Dazed - you people in here are obsessed with squeezing the waste from chihuahuas. Why have you not blogged this? Inquiring minds want to know.

Closet - Snoop got nuttin' on me.

Jess - oh, I haven't even gotten to the pomeranians yet...

7:50 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

ok, the scary part about this post is I spent my weekend helping put on a dog costume contest as part of a large festival.


I saw way too much that now has become a warped painful image oh Mistress Bucky.

8:35 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

And again I say, WOW.

10:56 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Man's best friend indeed.

Woof. Woof.

(No wonder they were bitchin' with the "who let the dogs out.")

11:08 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

oh my - my oh my oh my.....

11:50 AM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Opera gal - always glad to take the innocuous and make it sordid and weird for you. It's my job, and I do it with gusto.

Torrie - yeah, and I'm not even the one who gets the site hits from the dog sex people.
Until now.

Mr. B - I just wanna know, who let the gerbils out?

Annejelynn - oh come on, like you guys don't have legal chihuahua brothels in Nevada!

12:48 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

Now I'm just happy we don't even have Taco Hell over here... yuck...

This blog is getting curioser and curioser. Ever tried Ritalin?

2:42 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

I was always suspicious of that Taco Bell dog.

5:21 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

You are one excrutiatingly delicious muthafucka!

7:55 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Turtle said...

Oh God. You sick, sick person.

lol.

8:43 PM, October 10, 2005  
Blogger Sam said...

I will never ever look at one of those freak dogs the same again.

12:13 AM, October 11, 2005  
Blogger Chickie said...

It hadn't occurred to me to use my little dog for sexual gratification til now. Cool.

7:53 AM, October 11, 2005  

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