Crack-pipe dreams
Sometimes I hear people say things like, "I don't know what I'd do if I had to retire. I'd probably get a part-time job, I just wouldn't know what to do with all that time." Or you get the folks who win millions and millions of dollars in the lottery, and vow to keep their current jobs.
Do these people not have any hobbies?
Every day when I leave for work, I cast a longing gaze at all the grown-up toys I must leave behind. And I don't just mean the ones on the ones on the nightstand. Well, to be fair, some of those usually come to work with me anyway. Hey, there's a reason there are doors on the stalls in the ladies' room, right?
Flashing butt plugs in the restroom aside, there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to tend to my responsibilites and to make time for all the things I like to do. I can guarantee, though, that I will never be a retiree and/or lottery millionaire who ever utters the words, "I'm so fuckin' bored, I can't think of anything better to do than get a job."
No way.
Not me.
Not in a million years.
Here is a partial list of my plans for my eventual retirement/cashing of the first Lotto check:
Do these people not have any hobbies?
Every day when I leave for work, I cast a longing gaze at all the grown-up toys I must leave behind. And I don't just mean the ones on the ones on the nightstand. Well, to be fair, some of those usually come to work with me anyway. Hey, there's a reason there are doors on the stalls in the ladies' room, right?
Flashing butt plugs in the restroom aside, there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to tend to my responsibilites and to make time for all the things I like to do. I can guarantee, though, that I will never be a retiree and/or lottery millionaire who ever utters the words, "I'm so fuckin' bored, I can't think of anything better to do than get a job."
No way.
Not me.
Not in a million years.
Here is a partial list of my plans for my eventual retirement/cashing of the first Lotto check:
- Hot millionaire sex, or moldy, soggy, retired-people sex; either way, time for lots of it.
- Pursue my painting, which I have neglected for years. But maybe the neglect is a good thing, since I tend to paint shit like this:
- Write that novel about the ripped flannel sheets with the love stains in the shape of the 48 continental states on it.
- Star in my own one-woman show, the working title of which is "Gravity Done Kilt My Titties."
- Further my research into cross breeding humans with Yorkshire terriers. Wouldn't that be fucking adorable, in a windowpane-acid flashback kind of way?
- Buy fezzes with chinstraps for all the neighborhood pets and squirrels. Why, you ask? Why not, I counter.
- Hand-carve my own small version of the ten commandments, one of which would be, "Thou shalt not put gravy on my mashed potatoes, fucker."
- Compose and perform a rock opera based on the secret life of Howdy Doody.
- Liposuction.
- Finally learn to put on the parachute before I jump out of the plane.
Katy Barzedor proclaimed this to be so at 10:30 PM
37 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':
Just moments ago, I had the thought, "Hmmm, wonder how Bucky's doing?"
OHDEARGOD
Love Stains? PRECIOUS!!!
I like your paintings.
Makes me want to win the lottery...and I mean the big prize. It doesn't count if you win a dollar, but it makes me think twice about going to work that day...hmmm.
I must say, the part about learning to open the parachute before the jump:priceless.
My list is similar to your but with more naked harem girls....
Who needs paint for artistic expression? You've got Groucho Grits! *sheesh* You're just never content, ARE ya?! ;)
Liposuction? Gee, maybe you could make candles with the icky, yellow goo that gets sucked out...
That painting makes me think: Doc Octo meets Doc Johnson
I actually had to take a course in sex toys, so when couples need to talk about such, I can do so with a straight face, without gasping, giggling, whatnot. When I read your phrase, "Flashing butt plugs," this morning, I realized (I think), that "flashing" is used here as a gerund (I know that word because of mrtl; Hey, mrtl!). But, see, last night, I thought it was used as an adjective. I thought you had multiple butt plugs that FLASH. Like, with batteries and tiny light bulbs in them. And this raises all sorts of possibilities, as you can imagine. Specifically, because I fancy myself as being just a bit of a Martha Stewart type, it raises the possibility of recycling those flashing butt plugs into tiny holiday wreathes that can be used as teacher gifts.
It's a good thing.
Oh, and you are a very talented artist. If I could, I would whisper in your ear while you're asleep, "Therapy. Therapy. Therapy."
Y'know..I'm RIGHT THERE with ya, Buckster. We have this woman at work (we'll call her "Stupid Bitch") who won 6 million bucks in the lottery. AND SHE'S STILL WORKING HERE. I'm sorry but if you REALLY love working that much, work as a volunteer someplace that needs you like Juvenile Diabetes or AIDS or Breast Cancer...give the paying job to someone who needs t'work, ya biz-natch.
OK...I'm done with THAT rant.
My lotto dreams list:
Buy Giovanni Ribiski (everyone needs one of them - how can you not adore anyone who looks stoned 24/7?)
Get my own talk show where I get to keep calling Dr. Laura Schlessinger "Vinegar Tits".
Go back to podunk hometown and tell all those bastards who called me a fag in high school that they can suck it. Some already have, but I digress.
Send all Cotillion readers a ticket to Michigan for a Bucky party - complete with booze, cheez (note the spelling), crackers, mashed potatoes (no gravy) and formaldehyde.
Hey, rainbow-colored painting dude:
Is that a snake hanging from your crotch, or is your schlong just glad to see me?
(Why, yes. I AM feeling a little feisty today. Why do you ask?)
If I won a lot of money I would keep my job just long enough to see how it feels to come in whenever I please, do what I want and flip off the senior management. Then I could do volunteer work.
I love your list.
I concur with squirl's last comment, and to that end, I shall add:
Upon my exit I will:
1. Drop an intensely deep MOON.
2. Fart indiscriminately every step as I leave.
2a. Make sure I ate corn and peanuts for lunch.
3. Crap in someone's garbage pail.
4. Tell everyone what I really think of them
PS: Why not make the paintings FROM the love stains? Or perhaps decoupage the love stains onto other mediums?
OMGGG
I need a t-shirt that says "gravity done kilt my titties"
"Gravity Done Kilt My Titties"
Now *THAT* is some funny shizz right there, I don't care who you are.
Jess, at which point do the "more naked" harem girls just become totally naked? Not that I'm into naked harem girls, (and not that there is anything wrong with that), but I'm just curious and if I asked this question on my blog, Hubby would seriously wonder what the hell I'm up to...
Mrtl -- *she scares me a little, too*
Oh, and Susie, thanks for clearing up that flashing butt plug thing for me. Now, I have to go look up "gerund"...
Two words if I ever winner big bucks. SPA DATE!
Whew! I haven't been able to keep up with your comments very well this week, and for that I apologize.
Let me at least try here:
Susie - BWAHAHAHAHA, please don't tell me you're surprised.
Nugget - too precious to wash the sheets.
Zombie - why thank you, undead dreamboy. Would you like to be my next canvas?
M_D - see, you have a firm grip on reality, from my point of view. Scary, innit?
Mrtl - you'd be even more scared if you had to see me naked.
Jess - I think Circus Kelli has a better reply to this later in the thread than any I could come up with. All the same, you should ready the big sultan's tent, just in case you hit the mega millions.
Eclectic - I am content more than I am continent.
Kittay - one should at least breed a human with an attractive canine. And your current profile pic is soooooo jizzy!
Swamp4me - I was gonna go the "Fight Club" route with the excess...
Mr. B - That's you in the new profile pic, innit?
Susie - Ha! Actually, "flashing" as in "the lights were flashing red and blue as the police ran me off the road" is EXACTLY what I mean. I want a butt plug that flashes festive colors while in use. You twisted Marth Stewart, we could make one helluva holiday wreath with those. I think I see a million-dollar idea here...
And does everyone here see that Susie wishes to whisper in my ear as I sleep? I have truly hit the big time.
Dazed - "vinegar tits" god, I can't stop with the laughin'! What I wouldn't give to watch you reduce Dr. Fucking Cuntface Laura to a quivering mass of pissing self righteousness...
LadyBug - it IS a snake, and the snake IS happy to see you. Rowr!
Squirl - Volunteer work, huh? Volunteer to take your little sister shopping for electronics?
Nugget - I threw up in someone's garbage pail at work once, does that count?
Romani heart - yet another one for the Cafe Press store. So many good design ideas, so little ambition...
Circus Kelli - And can one really be "more" naked? Isn't naked just naked? Is that like "a little pregnant"?
And if you weren't just a little scared of me, we'd be worried for you.
Kranki - aaaaaaah, yeah, the spa. Just don't forget your friends down here in the States when you're filthy rich and need a massage buddy.
I am very excited about the pet fez feature. My dogs would look SMASHING in them. Like little theater ushers!
I would probably get one of those dumpsters and put it in the driveway, 'cause I got a lotta stuff to throw out. Winning the lotto would help me hire some people for the heavy liftin'.
I do not understand the "keep working even though I am a gajillionaire" concept. Be smart with the money (i.e., don't put it all on "red"), do good things with part of it, to better the world, and then take care of the people in your life & have a kickass time doing what you love!
P.S. I thought the flashing butt plugs lit up, like a construction light. You might need to clarify it for the rest of us who are using the "theater of the mind" to visualize this.
Well, now we're all thoroughly confused, so apparently you're going to have to model the flashing butt plugs.
I am finally catching on to the proper method for reading you these days: when I am really tired, brain-dead, and I read and think, "Naw, that's not what she means," and then I come back the next day with my fresh brain, and think I understand better . . . NO, I was right the first, brain-dead time. Got it.
Susie, you might be on to something when it comes to reading Bucky. Being brain dead absolutely helps.
The reason for this is exactly what you said. Your reasoning mind just can't accept what's there and tries, in any way it can, to justify and reinterpret what's on the page.
Moral of the story. If it sounds weird, gross or perverted, then you've got it.
Plazajen - I will begin fezzes for you straightaway. And you are right, the butt plugs DO flash like construction lights.
Susie - Yes, always turn off the logical part of your brain before you read the Cotillion. A few drinks and some mild hallucinogens would also be conducive to a better understanding of what you see here.
Sneaky Squirl - but that's not a problem in our family, is it? I know you don't have to change a thing in your brain to read and understand me.
Doesn't mean you don't still go throw up in the sink when you're done, but still...
squirl, you got me. That's it, exactly.
oh, and bucky, I am keeping a whole LIST of things to whisper in your sleeping ear, should the opportunity ever present ;)
and another thing, I can't get my mind (not to mention other parts) around inserting something involving little light bulbs . . . is that just ME? I'm trying to keep up, here, really I am . . .
Susie - all I know is, I just checked, and I come up as the #5 and #6 search results on google for "flashing butt plug" - I wonder if there really IS such a thing? It was just something I spouted off the top of my head over at Dooce one day, and like the assless chaps, it would not die.
I would imagine the light would have to be housed inside a clear, protective, butt-plug-shaped housing. Maybe I will photoshop a mockup of what I think one would look like.
Just think of all the holidays you could celebrate if the lit-up butt plugs had a way to switch-out the lights! Orange for Halloween, red & green for Xmas, blue & silver for Hannukah (I don't want to assume only the Christians want themed light-up flashing butt plugs!), so on and so forth! We might have the multi-million dollar idea here that'll allow you to retire & me to keep my dogs in fezzes for years to come! woohoo!
Now, you're talking, Plazajen. You should be on Martha Stewart's Apprentice, thinking like that.
Bucky, I am the tiniest bit uncomfy at the thought of having inspired you to photoshop a flashing butt plug. Nevertheless, I shall look forward to your rendering. (PWAHAHAHAHAA) Seriously (oh no I di'int just say 'seriously' about a flashing butt plug), I googled it, and after several horrifying detours, I did find something like a light-up butterfly buttplug. "gaynors . . . somethingsomething," I didn't keep the URL.
Now, just WHY is it that we want the butt plug to FLASH? Um, so we don't lose someone . . . or what?
ohlorditissurelyFriday ;)
Well now, you've inspired me to update my "To Do" list! Your stuff is much more interesting than what I've been up to.
I'm going to add Visit Michigan to my list- there's something creative in the air up there!
Know kneed to apologize for knot responding. U cannot keep up with the seething moshpit U have unleashed upon the unsuspecting world. U R R leader.
"Here, Blanche. Here's ya dinna."
"Go ahead, make my day. Kiss my grits, pull my finger, and call me shorty."
Your new masthead, I thought it was a pic of Harrison Ford and said, “Man, has he gotten old or what?”
At first, I thought Groucho’s eyeglass was one of those freaky symbols painted in the caves of France, until I figured out I was in Wisconsin reading J. R.'s blog. That's what those flashing red lights are. J.R.’s UFOs.
I can't wait 2 show up on your doorstep w/Dazed carrying a half-empty can of Cheezzz Whizzzz. I'll be wearing a fashionably tight Cotillion t-shirt sans brassiere. Those will be my flashing red UFOs.
I either need a new monitor or eyeglasses. Once you've won the $1 Lotto scratch-off game Tic-Tac-Toe, I'll be hitting you up for the do-dough-doe. And some Velveeta.
At 5:30 PM CST today, I drank a glass of cheap-o red wine from a box. Or maybe it was formaldehyde. Either way, I expect to have a chemical headache shortly.
Why did your parents name your brother Czar and your sister Beaver? That's just not right.
Whatever happened to your dumpster?
I reed too many blogs.
Bucky I'm telling ya - cue the Cotillion theme song
I need to find some songs of singing dogs...anyone have a suggestion?
My retirement list is simple: I am going to drive across the U.S. and meet all of the bloggers whose blogs I read. Then I am going to travel the world and do the same.
I concur with Susie... we need to see the butt plug modeled... yet another perfect opportunity to wear and photoblog the assless chaps!!!
Plazajen - I think you may be onto something here. Go ahead and make a preliminary order for those custom fezzes.
Susie - I just want it to flash 'cause it's festive. And you only feel the tiniest bit uncomfy? Then I'm not doin' my job.
(Oh, and your dilligent research impresses me)
Sierrabella - I hear Dazed would spring for that if he could just win that lottery.
Musici - I'm dizzy, I think I smacked my head in the seething moshpit!
Opera gal - BWAHAHAHAHHAAAAA! Anybody who hasn't followed that link is missin' out on some high-quality tunage there. Ever heard Big Rude Jake's "Girl in the Pink Canoe"?
SS Nick - if you blogged about visiting blogging bloggers, would that be the ultimate meta blogging?
Nugget - I don't know, the chaps AND the flashing butt plug together might be...well, gauche. And you know I'm all about good taste.
Oooh, FESTIVE! Of course! Silly me, I am ALL about the festive! How did I miss that?
Good taste? Never underestimate the merits of good lighting and someone catching your best side:)
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