the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Sooner or later

It's gonna have to happen sooner or later. Eventually, someone with more authority than me (which is almost anyone here) will walk into my office, and he or she will make the following points:

  • We do notice when you "forget" to change from your silver tennis shoes into your black dress shoes all day long.
  • If you stack just one more piece of paper on your desk, it qualifies as a teepee.
  • Nobody wants to see a picture of you riding a giant bee as your desktop wallpaper. Change it. Now. (NOTE: Seriously, no one has ever complained about my bee wallpaper. I'm bein' stupid here)
  • It is not now, nor will it ever be, appropriate for you to play loud music in your office during working hours, especially when it has lyrics like:
    1-2-3, who should I kill?
    Every motherfucker, runnin' up the hill.
    1-2-3, what should I do?
    Get fucked up and fuck up with you.
  • We've all chipped in to buy you an iron. Someone will be over to instruct you in its use. Yes, it's for your clothes.
  • You're not fooling anyone with the dye job. Human Resources knows just how old you are. We can make you retire soon.
  • We would all appreciate it if you would stop screaming "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!" when you encounter server problems. We'll be happy to fuck you with a chainsaw, but it does not have a "gentle" setting.
  • If you can't put that bag back over your head, we can send someone over to do it for you, missy.

36 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Effie said...

First!

I think it might be fun to work in the same office as you...entertaining even....but there's nothing inappropriate with the pic of you riding a bumblebee, just maybe some comments about it...;)

9:44 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Damn!
Sorry about work being that way.
Are you sure we don't work at the same office?

Hang in there, kiddo.

M_D

P.S.--Wanna see the Giant Bee Wallpaper! :o)

10:12 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Effie - I think I may be a touch too bizarre for the taste of some people 'round here. But not all of 'em, obviously, since I've been here forever and ever (well, I'm told it seems that way to management).

M_D - I'm using the picture here for my wallpaper.

10:19 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

OUCH!!!

GMTA re: Chainsaw... I usually use the term, "Fuck me with a razorblade..."

Love your choice of office music. For me, my choice has been an assortment of things, but always going back to Janis' Ball and Chain or SRV's Rude Mood... pretty much sums it up!

10:23 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Just tell 'em it's unconstitutional to put people in irons. In fact, if God wanted us to use irons, then why did He make Downy Wrinkle Reducer? Huh? Answer THAT!

10:29 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Candace said...

Oh, those poor, boring people. Never to know the joys of riding bumble bees or being fucked gently with a chainsaw.

*sigh*

I feel sorry for them.

10:31 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Nugget - I have no idea why, but "razorblade" makes me cringe even more than "chainsaw."

10:36 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Misfit - I'd feel sorry for 'em, too, but I have to hold still now. Chainsaw approacheth.

10:37 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Eclectic, how the fuck did I miss you in there?
Now, THAT kind of irons I might like.

10:57 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

Tries to access the creative part of his brain to determine a logical way to fuck someone with a chainsaw!!!

........................................................... So far nothing's coming to mind ........................................ Ya this could be difficult........................................ Oh you can.... nope that's no good..

I have concluded thru very very mathimatically and very complex scientific calculations that there is absolutely no goddamned way to fuck someone GENTLY with a chainsaw..

You can fuck them whole-heartedly, completely, cluster-fuck them with a chainsaw, and maybe even give them a crimson-rim job with one.. but GENTLY is just not in the equation..

I'm glad i could clarify that for ya...

11:52 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

and this post, folks, is why I am no longer in the corporate world and run a small company. I can sit here in my jammies and play Rollins spoken word all day if I wanted too. actually, they get more worked up over the damn *opera* than anything else. I have been know to walk around downstairs (ofc is upstairs) in my bare feet. ok, the trade off is that i never get a day off.

12:43 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

Hahahaha.

We do notice when you spend all day emailing and IMing people to talk about monkeys.

12:57 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Alshrim - I'll have the crimson rim job, then. At least it sounds pretty.

Opera gal - I like your office atmosphere. Are pants required? Um, no reason...

Torrie - dear lord, if my personal emails and IMs ever got filtered upstairs, they'd send a team with butterfly nets to grab my loony ass for immediate psychiatric evaluation.
"This is odd...she sees a monkey in every single Rorschach we show her."

1:56 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Everyone else probably knows this but -- where the fuck do you work? Or is it unfair to ask that from this alternate reality? I don't suppose this'll do much for your hard-ass bitch act, but that bee picture is fucking ADORABLE!

I hear all y'all rude bitches -- I tend to find myself yelping, "Fuck me up the ass with a red hot poker!" Why is it we make these comments? Is it a girl thang? Any guys talk this way?

2:18 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

*raises hands*

Fuck me in the Goat-ASS

Have good mosh-pit y'all..

2:31 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Emily - I always try not to be too specific about work here, because I like that regular paycheck, but I can say that I work in the Information Systems dept of a college, but obviously, not one o' them liberal arts schools. More of a business and tech school.
And you don't think the bee picture makes me look like a Tough Cunt?

Alshrim - thank you, sir - mystery solved.
Um, your goat-ass? Is that, like a spare, or is your own ass really that goatlike?
Inquiring minds wanna know.

2:50 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

I like the bee picture. Anyone who wants you to take it down is a communist porker. Wait, though. Did anyone do all of this & did you get a lecture? Because I would be converting EVERYONE's wallpaper to me on the bee if I got a lecture. I don't take criticism well, does it show?

4:57 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

This is quite entertaining. Spare ass. PWAHHAHAA! I love the bee pic, too. The razorblade is worse than the chainsaw because it is not hyperbolic enough. If that is a word, and if it is applicable here, I am going to be so proud. And if it's not, just shut up. What I mean is, a razorblade is within the realm of creepy, psychopathic possibility. A chainsaw just isn't, it's too extreme.

5:30 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

OK, it's a word, and it is properly used here, from the root hyperbole, but NOT from the root hyperbola. As if y'all give a rat's ass.

5:33 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

more Tom Waits news...

5:54 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, they just don't understand your inner child. Tsk, tsk, such a shame.

Susie, I use the word hyperbolic all the time. Danielle used another of my favorite words, recalcitrant, the other day in a blog.

These are a few of my favorite words...
*cue Julie Andrews*

7:17 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Squirl, really, ALL THE TIME? Isn't that a bit HYPERBOLIC? MWAHAHAHAHA! I'm going to use it all the time, too!!!!

8:19 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Plazajen - fight the power! No, actually, no one has ever complained about any wallpaper I've ever had up, but I do know I'm considered a little, um, eccentric. And the bee picture is pretty weird. And that's why it's my wallpaper.

Susie - Aaah, I've heard that hyperbolic crap a million times.

Opera gal - did people learn nothing from the lawsuit he won against Cheeto's?

Squirl - they are actually pretty tolerant, given that my inner child is usually not kept on the inside.

8:24 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie - I peed a gallon when I saw that!

8:24 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, and razorblade, chainsaw...either way, not my idea of a dream date.

Now if we're talkin' pneumatic hammer? Whole diffent story.

8:44 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

what? what lawsuit about Cheetohs? I missed it?

9:49 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

Wish you were there to cuss with me today when I found a clusterphuck at work. I could have used a swearing partner.

I used to trade "fuck 'ems" with a guy that I was working with on a jobsite.
"Fuck 'em"
"Fuck 'em hard"
"Fuck 'em hard in the ass"
"Fuck 'em hard in the ass. No lube!"

10:01 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

Metro - RE: "Fuck 'em hard in the ass. No lube!" : I had a drummer once that measured his desire by saying this..

"If you like 'em you fuck'em in the ass... if you love 'em.. you spit first..."

Ok - i know you all hate me know.. and you all went.. 'OH MAN! THAT IS JUST EVIL SICK...oooh i like it" but i didn't say it - you know drummers... they're all crazy !!

10:30 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

Some people just don't understand. Has this person never seen "Heathers"??

By the way, I have tracked down the joke that prompted my posting of the dragon penis tattoo.

Two men in bathroom. One looks at the other and says, "So your girlfriend's name is Wendy, too?"

Other man says, "Nah, man! Mine says "Welcome to Washington, DC. Have a nice day!"

With that done, I can finally sleep at night.

11:36 PM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

It is a scientific fact that in order to effectively fuck one gently with a chainsaw, more than one chainsaw operators are required.

A chainsaw orgy, if you will. Gentle as an early spring breeze.

4:39 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Opera gal - from officialtomwaits.com:

# Did he really file suit against Frito-Lay, Inc?

# Waits v. Frito-Lay, Inc., 978 F.2d 1093 (9th Cir. 1992) Frito Lay, Inc. used the sound of `Step Right Up' from Small Change for a commercial and didn't think anyone would notice. Tom Waits won the suit and then Frito-Lay, Inc. sued him for some sort of embarrassment which they did not win.
"If Michael Jackson wants to work for Pepsi, why doesn't he just get himself a suit and an office in their headquarters and be done with it"


Closet - that's a sweet exchange. I think you'd be a good swearing buddy. I'll call you - swearing on the phone is the next best thing to swearing in person.

Alshrim - I wouldn't trust a drummer to spit. I'd supply my own, just to be sure.

Mrtl - always a fave joke in its many incarnations. The way I heard it? Ugly nurse says, "Did you see the patient in 217 with 'swan' tattooed on his penis?" Pretty nurse says, "You mean 'saskatchewan'?"

Spoonie - manly, yes. But I like it, too!

5:51 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Um I know lots about chainsaws, but uhhhh, I have no fucking idea who Tom Waits is. There I said it.

Whew!

3:34 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

No, sorry, adorable.

No mystery solved with goat ass -- that shit is on-going.

Hey -- didja ever see the Real Sex in which they went behind the scenes of a company that makes FUCKING machines (as opposed to fucking MACHINES) out of pneumatic hammers? Or did you figure that one out your ownself?

6:01 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Jess - THAT needs to be corrected immediately, for your own good. Check your email.

Emily - no, I didn't see that one, but that's hilarious! "Pneumatic hammer" just came off the top of my head, I even went to see if it was a real item. Heh, leave it to me to pick the heart of the fucking machine.

6:31 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger She who shall not be named said...

I must confess that I only know Tom cause my boyfriend has a cd.

At least I learn something! ;)

12:22 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Buck -- this Waitlessness in your posse is a real tragedy. Cain't ya do sum learnin'? Actually, it sounds like maybe you took care of JB?

6:33 AM, September 17, 2005  

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