the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Muskrat muff? (AKA, another cry for help)

The style and layout of this post are inspired by Zombie Flyboy, that disturbed motherfucker.

Sometimes it's good to admit things in a public forum. It's cleansing for the soul, maybe even for the palate, and nobody can ever come to you later and say, "You never told me..."


With this in mind, I have more than once confessed here to my childhood/early teens love for the Captain and Tennille. I might even go so far as to tell you that I once had the Toni Tennille doll.


tennile_doll

I used to have all their albums, and a good number of their singles, too. I was a member in good standing of the Captain and Tennille fan club, my bedroom was plastered with their posters, I watched their show every Monday night, and I could do a fair approximation of the critter noises in Muskrat Love (though many have accurately described it as the sound of lively farts in the bathtub - hey, I can do that, too!). With their stacks of keyboards and their so-ugly-they're-cute bulldogs, the Captain and Tennille were idols to me.


captain_tennille1
Wholesome heroes.

Sure, I've talked about that stuff here before, as I thought it might be therapeutic and perhaps kill the nightsweats. Then I was lookin' at my site meter stats last night, and found that I am the #4 Yahoo! search result for the string:

Toni Tennille nude

Well, first, I have to give kudos to the searcher for spelling "Tennille" correctly. Those double "n"s will fuck you up every time, I guarantee. Obviously, someone who is a serious C&T connoisseur wanted these nudie pictures.

But at the same time, I felt like the last vestiges of my memories of childhood innocence were bein' washed down the drain like anonymous, lumpy jizz spat betwixt the rotted teeth and drooping lips of a two-dollar whore. Nobody should want Toni Tennille naked! It's like searchin' for "mother theresa muffdive" - you get an instant ticket to hell, and there is no return trip. It's like takin' the pieces of balsa wood your brother is usin' to build a model airplane, and puttin' each and every piece ever so carefully between your own ass cheeks while your brother isn't around, and then puttin' the pieces back exactly like they were, so that when he gets back to his workshop, your butt essence is all over his airplane. Um, not that I would know anything about that. What I'm gettin' at here is that wanting to see Toni Tennille nude, unless you are the Captain, is just plain wrong.

You'd better not let Toni Tennille know you're searchin' for pictures of her in the buff. She might not take kindly to it, and I hear she's an excellent shot.


tennille_gun

On the other hand, I am here to entertain, and part of entertaining is knowin' what your audience wants, and then givin' it to 'em. So, if it's Toni Tennille nude you want, it's Toni Tennille nude ye shall have.

toniboobs
Badly drawn boobs on parade

Some girls have a beaver; Ms. Tennille obviously has a muskrat.

And I obviously need intense therapy.

22 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Anonymous dazed & confuzed said...

*sniff*...I love the Captain and Toni too...and now she's been defiled forever.

Just make sure you do NOT do something like this to Helen Reddy.

9:29 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Wow, Bucky, that was...ummm....yeah. Just...wow.

(On another note, who's taking bets that, within a few days, you'll be the #1 search result for "Mother Theresa muffdive"?)

9:30 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

I'm just happy most of my childhood TV memories are related to stuff on NORWEGIAN television, which I'm fairly sure Bucky never watched.

Though truth be told, some of those cheap Eastern European animations we were regularly fed were pretty traumatizing all by themselves. Not that Norway was Eastern European, but since it was a state-owned channel it didn't have much money, so they bought a lot of cheap shit from the commies. (Yes, Norway only had ONE tv channel in the 70s... and even private radio stations were illegal until the early 80s. And we were supposed to be one of the "free" societies of Europe *rolling eyes*)

9:41 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

Bucky somehow this seems the appropriate forum to share that it is offically "Breast Appreciation Week" this week.(according to my gentleman friend)
Ok, maybe I should have posted this at JessRabbits, but she celebrates that every day.
I was a member of the Heart fan club in 1976.what does that mean?

9:51 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Eyeballs burning ... applying cool saline compress and cucumber slices ... ah, better. Susie? You need to come talk to Bucky now -- it's an emergency. She's tarting up Toni Tennille AND Mother Theresa. ***help me***

11:22 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger AlRo said...

See - back then i was a Guess Who, Burton Cummings .. but i DID have a C&T 8-Track tape... along with my grandmother's Anne Murray's 8-track and Elvis' Jailhouse rock one..

But i must say i never been a member of a fan-club.. but i did order the x-ray glasses from the back of a comic book once..

For those of you who never did but still wonder?:: They don't work..
:(

11:24 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

I think I'm moist. Like Wonder Bread and Little Debbie Snacks. Ya. Nice wardrobe malfunction :) Pasties do her wonders :).

11:53 AM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

What can I say? Is this the result of too much Muscatel or too much Muskrat Love?

12:40 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Ern said...

I am sooooo going home tonight and putting balsa wood between my ass cheeks.

Hmmm...we don't have any balsa wood.

Maybe I'll do it to my brother's X Box controller next time I'm at my parents' house!

1:35 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I appreciate breasts every week.

2:07 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Dazed - you mean you don't want proof that Helen is Woman? You don't wanna hear her roar?

LadyBug - let the google filth begin!

Ghost - a free society, unfortunately, does not guarantee high-quality children's programming. So sorry you got the animated shaft!

Opera gal - first, are you STILL in the Heart fan club? Because it's a lot easier to explain at age 11 than it is in our mid-life years.
Second, can I just appreciate my own, or do I need to pick somebody's to appreciate?

Eclectic - which one of us needs the therapy worse at this point, you or me?

Alshrim - I'm am SO disappointed about the x-ray glasses. Never ordering from a Johnson Smith catalog again.

Kitty - so you like my badly drawn pastied boobs, eh? See, it's already breast appreciation week in here.

Squirl - yes.

Ern - oh, please tell me if you actually do this. That includes a description of watching him use the controller, oblivious to your defilation. God, I love this stuff...

Mr. B - so then...you might also say: "Holy shit I love me some breastseses!" ?

2:17 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

I confess to have never been in a fan club as a child, ONLY as an "adult". That would be the Dolly Parton Fan Club, of which I became a member when she sucked mah pen out mah ass some years back (you can read about it at blog.myspace.com/flying mermaid) and I remained a member(even as a dyke I thrill to how that refers to dick!) until the club's demise.

So I've killed 2 birds -- as both a celeb worshipper and a worshipper of breastesses...

6:12 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

::SHUDDER:

"...lumpy jizz spat betwixt the rotted teeth and drooping lips of a two-dollar whore."

Mommy, why do I have a funny, pre-puke, metallic taste in my mouth? Mommy? Mommy?....

6:48 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Girl.A said...

Umm, someone is issuing a cry for help, Bucky. One that you will understand. It involves guilt, Catholicism and anal beads.

http://www.amanda.veryzen.com/

6:51 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

brownies and brestesees... I think Bloggerific has his whole week set on you sis's

7:53 PM, September 08, 2005  
Anonymous muskrat susie said...

I am much more concerned by the whole "brother's wood in the ass" thing . . . you know, from a therapeutic point of view.

9:18 PM, September 08, 2005  
Anonymous muskrat susie said...

Oh, and
Holy shit I love me some brownies!

9:22 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Emily - You are truly a multitasker.

Nugget - I get "thank you" cards from therapists all the time...

Girl.A - uh oh, I might have weighed in on the anal beads.
The last half of the comments on the post "my little bunny rabbit" have taken on dooce-comments-like surreality, in a good way.

Kitty - what about brownies ON breastseses?

Muskrat Susie - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! I suppose that is more than a little disturbing, isn't it?
Good thing I seem to be able to distract everyone in the room with brownies. Holy shit!

9:25 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

:::blank look:::
The muskrat owes me a drink, and a new keyboard. EW.

9:26 PM, September 08, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Do you know how many years I have spent trying to convince Nick girls do NOT fart in the tub? Hmm? Thanks for shooting that all to hell.

Breast appreciation week? I best get to the boobin!

And really, muff diving nuns, like that is so unusual?

However the muskCat pussy really got me, does it have its own spicy aroma?

If the jizz is lumpy maybe you need to have them wrap some netting around the head, to you know, act as a strainer. Filter that jizz or its never going to stick to the headboard.

Do I have to tell you everything?

1:08 AM, September 09, 2005  
Blogger song said...

Tennille doesn't cut it compared to the gumby porn.
(sometimes I'm glad I'm too young to remember what most of you talk about. hehehehe I'm so sweet and young and innocent. and I did NOT fuck the tattoo artist. whoops)

6:02 AM, September 09, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

M_D - the muskrat just offered to come clean up your keyboard. Can it be salvaged? And he'll bring you a new drink, too. I will make sure it's sealed so there's no muskrat spit in it when it gets to you.

Jess - does Nick not know that things I do don't apply to regular girls?
And I'm busily scribbling notes here..."muskCat pussy...muffer theresa...filter that jizz..."
And yes - you must tell me everything, because I'm so sheltered and naive. A shrinking violet, even.

Song - What if Gumby and Toni Tennille hit it? You'd forget the tattoo artist right away, I guarantee...

7:56 AM, September 09, 2005  

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