Muskrat muff? (AKA, another cry for help)

The style and layout of this post are inspired by Zombie Flyboy, that disturbed motherfucker.

Sometimes it's good to admit things in a public forum. It's cleansing for the soul, maybe even for the palate, and nobody can ever come to you later and say, "You never told me..."

With this in mind, I have more than once confessed here to my childhood/early teens love for the Captain and Tennille. I might even go so far as to tell you that I once had the Toni Tennille doll.




I used to have all their albums, and a good number of their singles, too. I was a member in good standing of the Captain and Tennille fan club, my bedroom was plastered with their posters, I watched their show every Monday night, and I could do a fair approximation of the critter noises in Muskrat Love (though many have accurately described it as the sound of lively farts in the bathtub - hey, I can do that, too!). With their stacks of keyboards and their so-ugly-they're-cute bulldogs, the Captain and Tennille were idols to me.



Wholesome heroes.

Sure, I've talked about that stuff here before, as I thought it might be therapeutic and perhaps kill the nightsweats. Then I was lookin' at my site meter stats last night, and found that I am the #4 Yahoo! search result for the string:

Toni Tennille nude

Well, first, I have to give kudos to the searcher for spelling "Tennille" correctly. Those double "n"s will fuck you up every time, I guarantee. Obviously, someone who is a serious C&T connoisseur wanted these nudie pictures.

But at the same time, I felt like the last vestiges of my memories of childhood innocence were bein' washed down the drain like anonymous, lumpy jizz spat betwixt the rotted teeth and drooping lips of a two-dollar whore. Nobody should want Toni Tennille naked! It's like searchin' for "mother theresa muffdive" - you get an instant ticket to hell, and there is no return trip. It's like takin' the pieces of balsa wood your brother is usin' to build a model airplane, and puttin' each and every piece ever so carefully between your own ass cheeks while your brother isn't around, and then puttin' the pieces back exactly like they were, so that when he gets back to his workshop, your butt essence is all over his airplane. Um, not that I would know anything about that. What I'm gettin' at here is that wanting to see Toni Tennille nude, unless you are the Captain, is just plain wrong.

You'd better not let Toni Tennille know you're searchin' for pictures of her in the buff. She might not take kindly to it, and I hear she's an excellent shot.




On the other hand, I am here to entertain, and part of entertaining is knowin' what your audience wants, and then givin' it to 'em. So, if it's Toni Tennille nude you want, it's Toni Tennille nude ye shall have.


Badly drawn boobs on parade

Some girls have a beaver; Ms. Tennille obviously has a muskrat.

And I obviously need intense therapy.