the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Friday, October 07, 2005

Bitch Friday: Good morning, cocksucker

blue bitch
Bitchy Bucky Barzedor broods balefully

It's PMS, I'm sure of it, that's put this big burr under my saddle today. I am, as Mouse would say, one min and bishy leddy. I can always tell it won't be a promising day when I throw my pillow across the room upon hearing the wretched alarm clock. If you don't want me pissed at you, then never accept the job of waking me up in the morning; I take it rather personally on days like this. Well, that's not always true. There are ways to wake me up in a better mood than that, but who's got a crowbar and ten jars of Miracle Whip at 5:30 in the morning?

Despite the scowl I couldn't cover with any amount of makeup, I still managed to be early to work (whereupon the angels sang and made me watercress sandwiches). There are things on my desk that just won't go away, no matter how long I pretend they're not there, so I figured this would be the perfect quiet time to catch up and clear away some paperwork. Make some space on the desk, in case I feel the sudden urge to jump up there and get all footloose. It sucks to dance on one's desk, only to be brought to the ground with sudden ferocity and finality by a stray memo under one's prancing foot.

Oh, yes, I had my grandiose plans clutched to my bosom like some baby that had never once looked like a canned ham, and all it took was a few words to rip it from my arms and sell it to the gypsies. As I walked past the front desk, the first words I heard were "Can you check the web server? [web server backend guy] is on vacation today."

In the grand scheme of things, and even in the dinky scheme of things, this is not a huge thing. Annoying? Yes. A big hairy deal? No. I stop a couple of processes, start up a couple of processes, check the log files, then bob's yer uncle. But you would think, from my reaction today, that I'd just been told that the Japanese had built a Pearl Harbor replica in Flint and then bombed it. The first volley to fly out of my mouth consisted of, I believe, four cocksuckers, three motherfuckers, and two orders of raw fuckfuckfuck. It's a good thing there aren't too many people in my building at 6:45 a.m., or I'd be tweakin' my resume instead of bloggin' about my cuntlike behavior.

I later thought about my little hissy fit, and it made me think of the Frank Zappa song Honey Don't Ya Want a Man Like Me: "I'm having a petulant frenzy. I'm petulant, and I'm having a frenzy."

I still, to this day, wonder if it was a mistake to stop the doctors halfway through my lobotomy.

21 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

First!

Are you QUITE sure they stopped halway through...?

12:00 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

halfway, even

12:01 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Your Technological Packaging Sucketh!!

1:51 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

What a crappy morning. I hope you're doing better now. I wasn't too thrilled when I heard the alarm this morning, either. Glad tomorrow's Saturday.

2:21 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Damn, am I sure I should even talk to you today? Might not be such a good idea. Actually I was going to ask you something completely unrelated, and figured you'd see this before your personal e-mail, blog slut that you are. And maybe someone else has ideas, anyway.

What do you do for internet safety? Anything? I think I may be being scammed by someone I've gotten close to online, and I'm concocting a plan to have Candye bust her ass if it's true. I'm still hoping it's not. Do you worry about people finding you? I'm such an unparanoid type in general, always in trouble for trusting TOO much...

2:47 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

I am not in the mood to work. So I give you positive thingys, even if you choose to shoot them like tin cans on a fence.
1. It is motherfuckin' Friday.
2. It is after NOON on motherfuckin' Friday.
3. Imagine having to get through a Friday afternoon WITHOUT the internet. Sweet Jesus, we could take over the world with the productivity surge. Breathe easy, rest of the world: we have the internet to keep us stupefied.
4. We have a restaurant in Kansas City called the "Puffy Taco"
5. I know you HAD to crack an angry, bitter grin/guffaw at that one.
Beer, chocolate & french fries. Placing the order at 3. Are you in?

2:57 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Ghost - they stopped halfway in the halway.

Mr. B - I can think of packages I'd rather look at, I can tell you that now. Oh, nice package in your new profile pic, BTW.

Squirl - that's why I took the liberty of sending you all those harassing emails today.

Emily - oh, I think you guys are safe from me now. AT 6:45 a.m., though, not so much.
You pose a good question here. I guess I worry about security some, as I don't use my real last name (yes, people, it's true - "Katy Barzedor" is a bad pun and is not, in fact, my real name. At least, not the "Barzedor" part). There are folks I feel I've gotten to know well enough to tell them my address, though, so I guess I'm kind of on the non paranoid side, too. Plus, I freely disclose my city.
I'd like to hear others' thoughts on this, too.
And if somebody IS fuckin' with you? I know Candye will take that skanky ho DOWN for you. She rocks like that. And tell her I said my best Minnie Pearl "How-DEEEE!" 'cause I've been too lazy to email her lately.

Plazajen - oh, no no no nooooo...the Puffy Taco?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Does it make its own salsa?
Once again, Jen, you've knitted me a smile where there was none. :)

3:04 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Poor Bucky! Hope your cocksucking-motherfucking-fuckfuckfuck day ENDS much better than it started...

Wanna buy a toilet funnel? I'm selling them on my blog hehehehe

3:19 PM, October 07, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just remember the wisdom of Zen Master Groucho Marx who said "It's better to have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy".

Poor Bucky - I think we should all link pinkies and have a caring circle (right after monkies fly out of my ass).

We all have those days, Miss Girl. You're lucky that you can say things like "motherfucker" and "cocksucker" at work - I have to be satisfied at my job with expletives like "Golly gee WHIZ, I sure wish I hadn't been mugged this morning and left for dead in Paris with the fever".

3:43 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

There is nothing good about waking up to any close facsimile of mayonnaise. Reconstituted ostrich jizz crap ick.

Now, I can picture a pair of channel locks and a gallon of KY, but never, ever Miracle Whip.

5:48 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

PMS....whatever. You used "petulant" twice and it counts, even if it was a quote. Besides, you also mentioned Zappa. That's just nothing but generosity on your part. Frankly, I think you should be sainted.

8:13 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Hope your day got better and better. I spent all day listening to a seminar on suicide and self-mutiliation. Not a whole lot of giggles there. There's cocksuckers and then there's cocksuckers.

Here's to Saturday!!!!

10:44 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Kassi Gilbert said...

Cheerios = peed in.

10:54 PM, October 07, 2005  
Blogger Katie said...

I guess halfway through a lobotomy is better than having the whole thing done. Or not at all. I think a half lobotomy sounds brilliant, actually.

You outburst reminds me of a lady I work with, who has Tourettes. She starts cursing and laughing at inopportune times, mainly when I am on the phone with clients or trying to take a shit in the stall next to her. Nothing sends a turd back into your butt faster than maniacal laughter from the next stall.

12:07 AM, October 08, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's hoping that Buckster's Saturday doesn't suck the huge wang (at least, not in a BAD way).

2:03 AM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Young lady I dont think you should toss around a term like going footloose with such a lax attitude.

Do you really know what it means to actually be totally loose? Footloose? Its more then just kicking off your sunday shoes you know. I have heard it even involves shakin shakin it Marie.

You need to be really committed to going footloose if your going to bring it up, you can not tease your public like that.

You can tease your pubic, but not your public.

I mean what, next thing I know youll be telling me I have a plethora of pinatas, and do you know what a plethora is Heffie? Hmmmm????

5:20 AM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

I thought teasing the pubic went out in the '70s. Is it back?

9:06 AM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

PMS is a bitch. Sometimes It's not even worth chewing though the restraints...hang in there, babe.

Chocolate Bock (that's a kind of beer) and chili fries ought to do the trick. Pyramid has this Bohemian Bock that's seasonal but ought to be out right about now that kicks ass. It is very tasty.
They don't have it in Washington. Fuckers.*pouts*

4:26 PM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

Susie, I think teasing is appropriate only when dyed multiple colors - like a circus clown.

Just don't honk its nose. He doesn't like that.

5:38 PM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

MD totally just tripped me out - I'm craving an Ichabod (pumpkin beer) and chili-cheese fries right now this very minute. brb.

5:39 PM, October 08, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

There's a Zappa song for every occasion.

5:22 PM, October 10, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home