the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

From the jaws of death

There are many, many pets here, and I have grown to love them all as if they were my own. Even the rotten ones. *cough*Eleven*cough*

Hermione and Moo like to play both sides of the fence. I am not implying that these lovely Saint Betards are bisexual, though if they were, who the fuck am I to judge? What I'm saying is that one minute they can be the sweetest, cuddliest, most gentle giants you will ever meet. And then the next minute, they can be barking, chewing, chasing cats, shredding cardboard, and peeing at the bottom of the stairs where I will be sure to step in it.

This weekend the dogs alternated between being Jess' cuddle buddies on the bed and being Jess' worst nightmare demons, rampaging through the house with little regard for life, limb, or the mattress that was sitting in the living room.

Finally, on Sunday, Jess could take it no more. When she drove up to her mom's to pick up the boys, she took Moo with her, reasoning that the dogs might behave if only they were not together encouraging each other's evil. Nick was working, so I stayed behind with Hermione, to make sure she didn't terrorize the cats unduly in her mommy's absence.

Hermione was just as docile as could be while Jess was gone. I put the baby gate in the kitchen doorway, so the cats could go up and down the stairs as they pleased while preventing Hermione from chasing them and eating their food. The food, by the way, is up on top of a tallish cabinet; Hermione has discovered that she can stand up on her hind legs and reach the dish without too much effort. She's one tall drink of slobber.

So, once the baby gate was in place, I decided to take a shower. I was alone in the house! I could shower with the door open, then prance through the living room nekkid without fear of traumatizing the teenagers! Hermione came in and laid right up against the tub while I took my shower, then slept in the hallway as I put on makeup. If I were to go to the dictionary and look up "good dog" I'm pretty sure this picture would be included with the description:


When I'd finished getting dressed - somehow, I forgot all about my plans for nekkid olympics in the living room - I went downstairs to throw some laundry in the washing machine. I'd have had to take a giant step to get over the baby gate, and I feared that the tread on my sock monkey slippers would not be enough to keep me from continuing on down the basement steps at a more rapid pace than I would prefer, so I took down the baby gate. Hermione was being so good, I reasoned, that I really needn't worry, especially since I wasn't in the shower anymore.

I was in the laundry room for perhaps two minutes, at most. When I came out, I found that Hermione had followed me downstairs. A quick check revealed cat food still in its dish, so I very nearly began to praise Hermione for being a good girl...then I noticed she was gnawing on something.

If you've never had a pet, you need to know that they will pick up everything you don't want them to, especially if it's small, plastic, and has the ability to choke them when you turn your back for just a split second. This wouldn't be the first time I'd caught Hermione chewing on a foreign object, and I've pried many things from her mouth, including plastic plugs for electrical outlets on more than one occasion.

She is so good about not biting when a person forces her jaws open and digs around, and this time was no exception. Hermione sat patiently while I stuck my whole hand in her mouth and came out triumphant...

...with a well-chewed lump of cat poop!

You have never seen a bitch throw a piece of shit on the floor so fast. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I'm pretty sure it included "GROSS HERMIONE EW EW EW GODDAMMIT THAT IS SOOOOO GROSS GET OUTSIDE EW EW GROOOOOSSSSSS!"

She was allowed no face kisses for the rest of the day because - call me picky - I do not favor the scent of cat poop Tic Tacs.

13 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

Gaaaaah -- attack of the killer tootsie rolls!

But look at the pretty face on that doggie!! She really is a beautiful Saint, in all sincerity.

12:54 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Candy said...

You should of just sold her to the first pack of gypsies you saw right then.

2:04 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

Yeah, pets are evil.
Just when you think it's safe...bam! Cat poop snack time!

3:04 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

ew ew ew ew...

I'm going to print this out and keep it and when my kids ask me for a dog, I will make them read this and if they still want a dog, I'll let them move in with you... ;)

9:13 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

Oh Bucky, I can always depend on you for a good upset stomach in the morning....thanks for that picture!

And people--that and thinking about "where" they lick themselves is exactly why I don't let dogs lick my face!

9:15 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

I seem to remember that we grew up with a cat poop-eating, underwear-chewing dog. Things never change.

10:02 AM, May 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10:25 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Callie said...

Yeah - this post totally reminds me of Yoshi - the cat poop eating wonder dog from hell. Actually, combine both Hermione and Moo at their most destructive and most disgusting behavior, and you will have Yoshi.

I don't envy you. Even though they have the cutest faces EVER.

10:25 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

This was real sweet and all . . . I just wish I'd known how it ended before I sat here eating my oatmeal through it.
Excuse me.

10:48 AM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Maven said...

Yanno, I had a couple I was friends with, who had a bisengi, five cats and an aviary with 80 birds, one of which was a parrot. They always said they had a cat that ate dog food, a dog that ate cat shit and a bird that barked like a dog.

2:30 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Ichabod asked if Hermione had a shit-eating grin in that picture.

7:31 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

How 'bout a nasal Tic Tac?
Still got 'em...

10:20 PM, May 16, 2006  
Blogger Phoebe Fay said...

Oh, I love dogs. I really do. But there's no denying they can be seriously disgusting creatures!

Of course, they probably think the same thing about us sometimes.

1:35 PM, May 17, 2006  

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