The royal pee pee...

Tell me this headline wouldn't make you look twice:

King Tut's Penis Rediscovered

Of course my interest was piqued. Clearly, someone was playing hide the sausage with the boy pharaoh's tallywhacker. Here was a story I could really sink my teeth into:

"Photographed intact by Harry Burton (1879-1940) during Howard Carter's excavation of Tut's tomb in 1922, the royal penis was reported missing in 1968, when British scientist Ronald Harrison took a series of X-rays of the mummy."

All I can picture here is this guy in 1922 with a camera going "Gor blimey, looka the sausage on that feller!" And who couldn't love the phrase "the royal penis"? Rolls off the tongue easier'n nonstick jizz. I wonder what Harrison said, exactly, when he reported it missing in 1968? Was there an all-points bulletin for one purloined penis, Egyptian, medium build, last seen wearing a cartouche with hieroglyphics that read, roughly translated, "Just 'cause I'm dead don't mean you ain't gotta suck it"? Did anyone suspect that it might have escaped all on its own? And was the nutsack gone, too?

This kind of story always leaves me with more questions.

"Speculation abounded that the penis had been stolen and sold.

'Instead, it has always been there. I found it during the CT scan last year, when the mummy was lifted. It lay loose in the sand around the king's body. It was mummified,' Zahi Hawass, chief of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, told Discovery News."

So...why was it reported missing? Was Harrison perhaps expecting to see a more pronounced staff on the pharaoh? Is there a market for errant Egyptian dead guy dick? And who the fuck looks at a mummy's penis?

"At first look, Burton's pictures may seem to indicate that King Tut could have been a little better endowed. But according to mummy expert Eduard Egarter Vigl, the pharaoh was normally built."

Now they're not only looking at the mummy's penis, they're passing judgement on the size of it when royal blood coursed through the royal vein. What kind of people obsess over a mummy's penis?

Well, you can put me on the list. And I don't buy for a minute that Tut was endowed any less than the Sphinx.

How the fuck did they get the sarcophagus closed?



Now I understand that it's not a beard on his chin - it's a condom.



And where would we be without some pharaoh on pharaoh love? See Tut suck. Suck, Tut, suck!