the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Watch out for paper cuts/monkey talk

Let sleeping brats lie

Some things never change. I still fall asleep on the couch, in those very jammies. The main difference is, I take up a lot more room on the couch and in the jammies now.

And who knew I could poop notebooks when I was a kid? I'm really sorry I lost that uncanny ability - damn, that sure would've come in handy during college.

Of course, sometimes the stuff on this blog comes right outta my ass, so maybe that hasn't really changed either; my ass has just gone high tech.


***


Now comes the totally unrelated but completely TMI portion of this post, in case anyone wants to run for cover now while the opportunity is presenting itself.

I couldn't get an appointment with the gal who usually does my waxing (yes, I'll be referring indirectly to my genitals here, just in case you forgot to run screaming yet), and she's the only one at that spa who does a brazilian, so I decided what the hell, and tried a new spa.

Originally, I was scheduled to go in at 6 this evening, but they called and asked if I would reschedule for 8:45 a.m. Oh, nice way to wake up! But I really wanted the appointment, so I agreed. It wasn't such a bad idea when I thought about it - as addled as I usually am first thing in the morning, by the time I knew what was happening, the deed would be done, and I would no longer have a shrubbery in my pants.

The waxer was really pleasant, considering she was about to look my monkey in the face at 8:45 a.m. - I give the girl points for courage. And, for the record, she neither gagged nor vomited during the procedure, so I've come to the conclusion that my other waxer is just a big sissy.

This girl was also a lot more thorough than I'm used to - she was determined that no strays would get by on her watch. At one point, she was doing something, but it definitely wasn't waxing. It felt like she was poking me with a little needle, and that wasn't usually part of the routine. Hmmmmmmm......finally, when I could resist no longer, I blurted out:

"You're not givin' me a tattoo down there, are you?"

She laughed - I really don't think she expected that, especially not first thing in the morning - and said no, she was tweezing that which would not volunteer to the wax. I expressed my relief.

"That's really good," I told her as she mercilessly tweezed, "because if I looked in the mirror and it said BITCH across my crotch, we'd have a problem."

Do you now begin to understand why I can't keep a gynecologist or a waxer for more than one or two visits? There's just nothin' like staring into the Lips of Doom with third-rate comedy patter in the background. I would have to imagine it's unnerving for even a seasoned professional to work under those circumstances.

So, there are your choices for the weekend: whining about my sore back, or discussion of my genitals and removal of foliage from same. Ain't you the lucky ones?

28 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

FIRST! hehehe

8:47 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Glad you're appreciative of the groomer of the monkey. I somehow don't think your new "stylist" will take out an order of protection against you. I mean, she HAS to appreciate your humor when shaping the monkey. I can't imagine NOT making comments during this procedure.

Cute little Brazilian. Harrumph. Mine would look more like a vertical chalkboard eraser BWAHAHAHA

8:51 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Hippo said...

First:

That couch...I just burned one behind my Hippodome in a bonfire. They go up really nice.

Second:

Brazilian Wax...Monkey...Holy Shit!

Dr H.O. Potamus

8:51 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

Holy Christ you're a trooper.

Brazilian? Tweezing afterwards?

You are certainly hardcore.

9:24 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

Ummm..is it like an unspoken rule that you aren't suppose to talk when someone is waxing your monkey.
Cuz, that is some funny ass shit you HAB.
You are killing me.

10:34 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Bucky, what you put yourself through!

10:46 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

I'm glad to see that your sense of humor doesn't leave you in times of pain and duress, as that's when you need it most.

I don't think I want to go into your bathroom habits from when you were young on here.

10:56 PM, April 08, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I think I'll pass on any sort of waxing at all thank you.

12:17 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Oh, man...that's a large notepad.
Was it right after the Thanksgiving meal at the Reading Railroad?
*I have no idea what that meant but I'm keeping it here anyway*
Brazilian wax?
Tell me, honestly: how bad does that shit hurt?

12:53 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Phoebe Fay said...

I got waxed once. I don't think I managed to sneak any jokes in between the cries of pain. Seriously, my waxing woman specifically told me she would never do a Brazilian on me because I was too much of a screamer.

Not that I was going to ask for one anyway.

12:59 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

My waxer has no sense of humor whatsoever because she's in too much pain: I do it myself. On the plus side though, I don't have to worry about me quitting or refusing to provide services.

1:40 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

Too bad you didn't do this in poem form. Then you could have been waxing poetic about waxing your monkey.

9:00 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

You were totally drooling in that picture, weren't you? Cute.

I have had too much pain in that general area, of late, to really appreciate what you've got here. Write a post about something that feels really GOOD in that general area. I'll be all over that :)

10:15 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Romani Heart said...

Okay, maybe I'm really am more of an ig'nant hillbilly than I'll usually admit, but someone please tell me what a "brazillian" is? I'm totally clueless on the subject of monkey grooming. Maybe because I haven't had sex since before waxing became popular?

10:40 AM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Michele in Mich - "vertical chalkboard eraser"...oh, I shall now be haunted.

Hippo - yeah, we destroyed the couch in short order, I'm sure.
And hey - you said you came here the other day for an ass shot, or a rack shot. So you got your ass shot, and now monkey talk. That's better than sore back talk, right?

LeafGirl - it's not THAT bad. I am not sayin' it doesn't hurt, but hey - it's less painful than a nipple piercing.

Pissy - I don't know, but I can't help but start chattering when some professional person is handling my naughty bits. I've been known to demand dinner first from my gyno.

SS Nick - it's all worth it for easier access for all my $2 customers.


Squirl - yeah, I think that's best! :)


Mr. B - you don't know the exquisite pain you're missing!

M_D - that's a lovely turn of phrase! Actually, I won't say it doesn't hurt, because let's face it - you're having hair ripped out of your genitals. But a good waxer can do it quickly and with minimal pain. Only once during this procedure did I say "Ouch!" and then I didn't even tear up. It smarts, it stings, but I don't find it bad at all. As mentioned earlier, a big needle through the nipple hurts worse.

Phoebe Fay - yeah, it doesn't sound like you're a good candidate for brazilian at ALL. It's good to know one's limitations. :)

Eclectic - wow, you have nerves of steel. My old waxer does hers, and the waxer I had yesterday said she tried it once and it was no go. Do you do the full brazilian to yourself, if I may ask? Wow. Mirrors, huh?

Mike - damn, why didn't I think of that? See how freakin' squirrely I am lately? And I'm not even the Squirl!

Susie - oh yeah, if I'm asleep with my mouth open, the chances of precipitation are high.
And you want me to write about feeling good "down there"?
Are you sure you're on the right blog, hon?

Romani Heart - don't feel bad, that stuff comes in slowly from the coasts. :)
A brazilian wax is one that removes all hair from the female genitals, from the belly button down, all the way under, and right up betwixt the butt cheeks if you so desire.

And go have some sex! :) That goes for everybody!

4:26 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, and mileage may vary on this one, but for me? I'm not sore after the waxing, and I could easily do the mattress mambo right after with no ouchies.

4:27 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

OW.

Spell pig backwards and then say funny.

6:01 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Um, I don't want to steal your thunder, but I'm starting to think I can PEE a notebook :)

6:36 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Romani Heart said...

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

8:20 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Amy said...

Ha! Geez Laweez they have to get in there with tweezers, eh.

And I thought my job sucked.

9:28 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger hellokittn said...

I was just talking to a friend of mine about brazilian's and he sent me a picture of some chick's pelvic region. He noted that the teeny landing strip was "hawt."

So what's the protocol here... would it be inappropriate to bring a picture of someone else's monkey like at the hair salon?

"I would like you to make my snatch look like hers"

11:02 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Usually a bad monkey just gets spanked, but shit, you damn near tarred and feathered the thing.

That's impressive at any hour of the day.

11:26 PM, April 09, 2006  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

Yeah, I'd say that your ass is just trying to keep up with technology!

2:24 AM, April 10, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Wow. Good thing I'm not quite awake yet. Interesting post, but what really sort of turns my stomach is the fabric on that couch.

Whoa.

10:06 AM, April 10, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

Hey Bucky--how's your back feeling now? Knife removed?

I'm still recoiling from the thought of TWEEZING hair from down there--OW! Much worse than the waxing...and the thought of possible ingrown hairs....

11:39 AM, April 10, 2006  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

I guess it beats a rastafarian dreadlocked monkey, but damn, that has got to hurt like a motherfucker.

12:26 PM, April 10, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

To answer your question, only a landing strip remains. And yes, mirrors are good.

11:49 PM, April 10, 2006  
Anonymous debutaunt said...

Only perk of chemo. I'm bald down there like a 12 year old girl. I haven't even had to shave my legs since October.

I kind of dig the effects, but I don't think I could do the waxing thing. Tempted though.

5:15 AM, April 11, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home