the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Pamper yourself

My grade school was roughly two blocks from my house. There were safeties on both corners where I would have to cross the street. And yet, for some reason, my mom drove me to school every day. And, for some reason, I let her, even though I took no end of teasing about it. Even then, I felt entitled to a chauffeur. Wouldn't you like to just smack my little pampered ass now? I know I would.

I was, however, responsible for the drudgery of walking home, all the way home, even in the snow and stuff! For the most part, my two-block trip was uneventful, until the day when I was in second grade and Ruth Riley decided to be my walkin' buddy.

Ruth was probably twelve years old, but was much, much larger and taller than an average girl her age. She was in the special ed class, and so I knew her more by reputation than by interaction. But when she came up and wanted to be friendly with me on the walk home one day, it was just the way I was raised to treat her nicely and not shun or ridicule her. I sure wish I'd been raised meaner.

Pretty early on in our conversation, Ruth informed me that she wore diapers, and seemed to be prompting me to say I was also presently diaper swaddled. Well, I was seven years old, and bedwetting wasn't that distant a memory yet, so I most certainly was not gonna cop to Pampers in my wardrobe. I kept vehemently denying that I wore diapers, and Ruth became more and more insistent that I admit to it. No way was I backin' down in this matter of honor.

Then she stopped walking and looked at me, her eyes half lidded, and quite reasonably and patiently informed me, "I would hate to have to beat you up."

I looked up at this relative mountain of a girl, and you never saw a petrified little bitch back down and change her story so fast. "Yeah, I wear diapers, wearin' 'em now, yup, me too, uh huh..."

The irony is, I really could've used some diapers at that particular moment.

10 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Candy said...

Ok first, Yes I would like to spank your pampered hiney.

Second, too bad we didn't grow up together, I would of totally had your back.

I once took down a boy twice my age with my Holly Hobby umbrella, while my Dad sat on the bench at my school and laughed his ass off. He still tells people that story.

I woulda put the smack down on that pamper wearing bully. I was a mean little kid.

6:52 PM, March 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

puts baby powder on pampered hiney

Holly Hobby umbrella? No shit?
Do you still hire out for bodyguard services, and more importantly, do you still have the umbrella?

7:06 PM, March 13, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Actually my mom does, she saved so much stuff. That is why my niece is wearing my old dresses now.

It had a red handle and was clear plastic will Holly pictures on it. It came down really low so it was like being in a bubble, it was pretty freakin sturdy, not like the cheap crap they make now. I used to love Holly Hobby, I still have my easy bake oven that looks just like and old fashioned blue stove with Holly on it. My whole room was Holly when I was really young.

And yes, I do provide services. I have chased off my share of bad boyfriends, bouncers from bars, and guy friends. I can take Nick down in 3 pinches.My xhusband was and is still scared of me. heh.

I am a mean little fucker.

Payment for these services is negotiable. I can work out an easy payment plan.

Who do you need me to rough up?:)

7:53 PM, March 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Well, you can rough me up if you promise to use the Holly Hobby umbrella.

8:09 PM, March 13, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

I'm not sure if I can comment without feeling dirty, after the back-and-forth between you two.

That post was hilarious, Bucky. But you totally just blew your mean-as-a-snake image.

10:17 PM, March 13, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

When I was in elementary school, the special ed. teacher was Mrs. Nutter. We called her students "Nutter's Nuts." I am very sorry about that now. And it still makes me laugh! (Sorry, God.)

10:23 PM, March 13, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said... I to deduce that it's BAD to wear diapers? DAMMIT, PEOPLE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THIS STUFF *BEFORE* ACCEPT THE HOT TUB INVITATION. jesus, is my face red.

11:28 PM, March 13, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Dazed: You can certainly wear your diaper in if I ever get my hot tub. In fact, I might just require it.

Susie: Some things just have to be said. I have to think God understands.

LadyBug: Yeah, I may write like a tough bitch, but I'm pretty easy to beat up.

7:55 AM, March 14, 2005  
Blogger Joseph said...

OMG! I'm dying in my cube right now. If I laugh, I have coughing fit and my neighbor is all "are you okay" and I have to play it down.

Nutter's Nut's...I'm proof that GOD has a sense of humor. Breath easy Susie.

6:30 PM, March 14, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

you shouldn't feel bad about backing down from the bully..discreation is the better part of valor. however, you could have used the line i always used.
If you beat me up, my dad will beat your dad up. My dad once boxed on the best boxing team in the armed services, and nothing got the neighborhood fathers to get their wayward children in line faster than the threat of a visit from my dad, Which was really funny, because he was the most even tempered man I ever knew.....reputation is everything.

11:02 PM, March 14, 2005  

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