the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The bacon strip's sizzlin'

  • The more I hear it said, the more I think feng shui sounds like something that can only be removed with a healthy regimin of Tinactin.

  • Now that I have the complete DVD set, I'm surprised at how many episodes of Strangers With Candy I apparently missed when it was first broadcast. Last night was filled with sushi and the totally inappropriate humor of SWC. It's the kind of show that's so extremely twisted and wrong that I shut it off hastily and with great guilt when the kids come in the room. There are too many things in there that could stunt their growth, quotes like "Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times!". Hell, I think it may have stunted my growth, too. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

  • I see a package of turkey bacon in the refrigerator and it's all I can think of. Wonder if I can will it into the frying pan tonight...

  • Wouldn't you think that, at age 41, the gods would see fit to stop sending me all these motherfucking ZITS? Of course, the gods would probably be more helpful if I hadn't brought home three bags of Better Made potato chips from Michigan.

  • On Friday, I have an appointment at a different day spa to get the fuzz ripped off the monkey. This will be my fourth waxer in a year. My monkey is a total slut. A scary, scary slut.

  • Good news! I got a letter from the payroll department where I used to work, stating that a check from March had never been cashed. I wrote to them and explained that I am not in possession of this check, so they are reissuing it! Rock on, Chaka Khan!

  • I don't think it's too presumptuous of me to say that Israel is experiencing some, ah, extraordinary conflict right now. That said, when I was looking through my Site Meter search results last week, I found that someone from a scientific institute in Israel had found my site via a Google search for "shove a gerbil in your ass through a toob" Now, either someone's just lookin' to relieve a little tension, or something is being planned that is clearly in violation of the Geneva Convention.

  • Speaking of gerbils, that reminds me of a conversation I had with a girl where I used to work. She had never heard of the the delightful concept of gerbiling, so, being ever helpful, I was explaining it to her. She wrinkled up her nose and got the most disgusted look on her face, and exclaimed, "UGH! Wouldn't that break their necks?" Then her expression became contemplative and she looked off into space for a second; she laughed a little before admitting, "Oh, wait - I was thinking of guinea pigs!"

    No, dear. Guinea pigs go in the vagina.

19 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

After I read that last line the rest of the post left my head. Oh yeah, there was turkey bacon in there somewhere. ;)

6:40 PM, July 20, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I've been meaning to convert an old "recipe" from days gone by. In the old days it was a dill pickle sliced into quarters. Wrap the quartered pickles with ground beef (just enough to cover. Then wrap in bacon, and hold it all together with tooth picks. Repeat until you run out of one or more ingredients and cook in the broiler.

But as I've been enjoying ground turkey for ages now, and turkey bacon...I just wonder how the old Dill Burgers would hold up. Hmmm

8:38 PM, July 20, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Tinactin: now in fung shui strength!
I still get muthafuckin' zits, too.
Oh, what fun.

I gotta say, hats off to you, Bucky. Don't think I'd have enough nerve to let some stranger look at teh monkey, nevermind wax it.

10:24 PM, July 20, 2006  
Blogger Jim said...

OH MY GOD YOU CRACK ME UP! A truly Bucky-ful post.

I will have to try that turkey bacon and a gerbil.

11:42 PM, July 20, 2006  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I had the same experience as Squirl.

12:12 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Right. Because guinea pigs are hypoallergenic.

1:41 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Bucky. I read this entire post, and I have just ONE THING to say to you!

"Rock on, Chaka Khan!"???

I don't even KNOW YOU anymore!

9:32 AM, July 21, 2006  
Anonymous Jezzie said...

Cetaphil cleanser. If you try one more product, this is it. The only way I can express my gratitude is by sharing.
Oh, yeah, rude girl, love your blog. Wish it didn't take me so long to find it, I have overheard your remarks on Dooce and Blurb for some time, but actually arrived via Jessrabbit. Jez

10:58 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

WOW, I just love how people find your site...

Turkey bacon? Never tried it.

11:05 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

Actually, you said "turkey bacon" and that's ALL I can think about...mmmm...bacon...and now Mr. B's recipe....mmmm, bacon with pickles and beef....

i must say though, try real bacon after eating only chicken bacon and turkey bacon for months and you will DROOL! It's FABULOUS for a treat!

3:02 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

yeah and, gerbils are rodents and therefore carry LOTS of germs--do people dunk them in boiling water before trying this stunt? Hmm?

3:03 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Somehow...I think that people who shove live gerbils up their asses are less than concerned with basic hygiene.

3:12 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

OK Bucky, I don't usually plug stuff, but there's a little someone over at my place you might recognize.

3:28 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Karin said...

Ok I am dying about the Geneva Convention. I need to get a site meter. I will say I am not sure fung shui, athletes foot and a freshly waxed beaver belong on the same post.

6:18 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Not without some Turkey Bacon, that is. Then it's perfect!

*mad scientist laugh*
"It's alive! Alive!!"

8:18 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Now someone in Lebanon will find you by googling "Guinea pigs go in the vagina".

You exhaust me. In a good way. Not in the best way, but in a good way.

9:14 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

I loves me some Chaka Khan. And some Bucky. Rodents in tight spots? Not so much. (or, um, not in cavernous spots, either)

11:04 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger eddie said...

you tell the best storys,they are always funny,thanks

11:35 PM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Humble Beginnings said...

I'll try the turkey bacon.. I'll pass on the rodents.

8:02 AM, July 22, 2006  

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