the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Outta my way, whippersnapper!

I could try to be delicate about it, like the blushing, shrinking violet I am, but for your sake, Internet as a Whole, let me be blunt: I am as good at romantic relationships as Hitler was at celebrating diversity.

After my last breakup, a little over a year ago, I felt so burned that I didn't even consider jumping back into the dating pool. By the time the emotional blisters had receded a bit, I was too broke to consider putting myself out there (let's face it: dating girls is not cheap, not even dating cheap girls). Now that I've been working for a while and finally have the means to take a chick out for a dinner and movie or something else terribly folksy and modest, I find that I just don't have any desire to start all that again. Sure, getting laid would be great, if I can properly remember the mechanics and geography of it all, but that would just cut into my quality time with the cats, and with my Playstation, and with my blissfully thought-free marathons of Bravo reality schlock. I might even have to clean my house, and that just isn't on my list of things to do this year.

So, there I was at work today, bidding goodbye to my co-worker, a young man in his very early 20s who is a nice guy but who is very full of himself and doesn't really have that switch in his brain that tells him when to stop talking, doesn't read those social cues that say "Dude, the customer doesn't give a shit about your long-winded story regarding something that happened in high school, he/she wants to take his/her cable splitter and go the fuck home." He had his coat on, had clocked out, and was just preparing to depart for the day.

At about that moment, a new rep for one of our products walked in. Normally, I squirm and fantasize about gouging my eyes out with a box cutter when product reps are around, because they're usually phony and slick and obnoxious. But I dug this girl on the spot - I'd guess her to be in her early 30s, cute, a very casual feeling about her, and an exuberant personality that didn't seem like a salesman's fakey bullshit. I have to say, I was getting a little vibe off of her. I'm usually pretty dense about that kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure there was a bit of interest there right off the bat. It's been ages and ages since that's happened to me, so I was enjoying the moment, chatting her up...

...and then the Young'n had to step in and fuck up my little moment. He's young and horny, and has the hots for anything with tits and a pulse, age be damned. Not that that's a bad thing, but he just walked right over, inserted himself (ahem!) into the situation, and proceeded to dominate the conversation with what he thinks is his witty banter (it's not). I was desperately trying to develop telekinetic powers, trying to push his ass out the door with my mind. To my utter chagrin, it did not work. She went out to her car to retrieve something she'd forgotten, so I thought I'd throw a hint in his direction by looking him dead in the eye and saying "I saw her first." But no, dense boy just laughed and said he was willing to take my sloppy seconds. Silly me, I should know that hints don't work on people with quadruple-layer skulls.

The little fucker continued to cock block me for the girl's entire visit. He left when she did, and I noticed that he followed her out to her car before returning to his own vehicle. Yeah...I'm sure she was thrilled about that.

You'd better believe that boy is gonna get an earful from me next time we're working alone. Don't fish in my pond, son, unless you want that treble hook in your scrotum.

18 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Oh, fuck, you know I feel you just a little bit too much!

XX

3:03 AM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I think he was doing you a favor, myself. Buy him a damn present and thank him. I'm about as interested in dating today as I am in growing porcupine needles on the inside of my crack.

6:35 AM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Kids today... Wise him up good, Bucky.

6:53 AM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Squirl said...

Tell us how you really feel, Bucky.
:-D

This story is even better in the second telling. I know he's a nice guy, but obnoxious is just the start to describe his personality.

7:24 AM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mermaid - well, hell, at least SOMEbody is feeling me (besides me).

Mr. B - you may be onto something there. But I'm still reading the little shit the riot act. And if you do grow those needles, let me know if it's better than a butt plug.

HTGT - He needs to respect his elders. And also to shut the fuck up.

Squirl - I was about ready to slap him upside the head with a police scanner.

1:38 PM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

*wonders if the needles (quills, wtf-ever they are) would simply change sides if they were fired from one side of the crack over to the other side and be immediately reloaded ready for the next firing...but decides not to post that wonderment and share with others*

1:43 PM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - inquiring butts want to know.

1:46 PM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

*thinks it prolly looks exactly like this: http://www.giftmonger.com/acatalog/retrogames_kerplunk2.jpg*

1:49 PM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

I don't think that is technically a "cock block," as you have no cock. (toys excluded) There's got to be a term for when it happens to a woman. If not, someone here will think of one, I'm sure.

6:55 PM, February 18, 2009  
Blogger eclectic said...

Damn. Young'un needs bitch-slappin'. Also, maybe a lesson in how people with breasts and a pulse sometimes just aren't interested in his dick or his pulse. I'm just sayin'.

10:08 PM, February 18, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a hoot! He walks her to her car and is telling her to watch out for you...That you were checking her out, but he has the goods she really wants :) I bet the next time she comes to your store, she will have her eye on you! All the little boys can go home...I think you are really pretty and entertaining!

1:32 PM, February 23, 2009  
Anonymous Great White Bear said...

It is nice to know that no matter how long I am away, when I return, I can count on you to be the same old Bucky, which is a good thing!

btw, you may be the only person in the world almost as bad at relationships as me. We should compare notes over very strong drinks (or drugs) sometime!

10:14 PM, February 23, 2009  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Mr. B - I think Kerplunk is an apt name, considering the application.

Charlotte - I still haven't devised a good rhyming female alternative to cock block.

Eclectic - I think he waves his dick at every female in the hope that percentages will be on his side.

Anon - I think I need YOU to put in a good word for me!

BEAR! I haven't seen you in a bear's age! How about drinks AND drugs, just to cover all the bases?

8:36 AM, February 24, 2009  
Anonymous myspace.com/greatwhitebear said...

Sounds like a plan!

10:06 AM, February 24, 2009  
Anonymous smoness said...

Out smart the little fucker... he's got nothing on you.

1:15 PM, February 26, 2009  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

She's just a heartbreaker.

They all are in some form or another.

1:57 PM, February 26, 2009  
Blogger Tina... said...

Omg, you crack my shit up....you should have tripped that little some bitch on his way out.

1:46 PM, February 27, 2009  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Oh, Bucky! How I've MISSED you :)

10:45 PM, March 03, 2009  

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