the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Couch dance

This cold/flu/whateveritis has been kickin' my ass since Tuesday. Add to that the fact that I stayed up way past my bedtime Friday night havin' way too much fun, and you can imagine how worthless I was this morning when I finally emerged from the bedroom like the patron saint of puffy eyes.

Jim wanted to go furniture shopping, because we need a couch. Our primary seating arrangement for years upon end has been two easy chairs, and we finally decided we miss sitting with each other. Plus, bad dog Snickers will be delighted 100% of the time, because he will be able to sit in one place and touch both of us. The dog has serious abandonment issues, but we'll psychoanalyze him in another post.

I really felt foggy this morning, but I hate to pass up a chance to shop for furniture. That may be the most girlie thing you ever see me write. It's true, though; I love furniture stores (except Art Van, may they rot in ripoff hell), and I love to look at furniture I'd never buy, mostly because it wouldn't fit in my house. And I can't resist the urge to throw myself on the nearest chaise, preferably with lots of strangers watching, fling my arm over my forehead and declare, "I have the vapors!" in my worst southern belle accent. It just never gets old. So I choked down some of that noxious but magical orange antifreeze labeled Dayquil (all I taste is the quils), covered enough of my body to prevent arrest and/or chapping, and went on the road to Couchville.

We were two of maybe six customers when we hit Sofa Mart, so the salesman had plenty of opportunity to hover. We didn't see exactly what we wanted on the showroom floor, so we wandered back into the clearance room to see if we could find a deal. After snaking through the rows and sitting here and there, we came upon a dual-recliner couch in a color we could live with, and proceeded to test the mechanism. We both agreed that it was comfortable and had good reclining action. But when I went to un-recline, my footrest wouldn't stay down. Before I could get up, the salesman had rushed over to help, and I stepped out of the poor boy's way as he pushed, hammered, and pounded on the recalcitrant footrest with increasing frustration and reddening of the face. After repeated, failed attempts to get the footrest to stop popping back up like one of those pesky four-hour erections, he stopped and looked up at me. I smiled sweetly and said "Guess we know why it's in the clearance room."

The selection at Skaff was better, though we still didn't see exactly what we were looking for. I did, however, find my fainting couch and my crowd, so the trip was not a total loss. Some people are so easy. All I had to do was fling myself down dramatically on the chaise, and some folks were already chuckling before the arm had gone over the eyes. I love it when the crowd is easy. If they're already laughin' before you get to the punchline, they are yours for the takin'. Yeah, I amuse myself in public a lot.

Our final stop on this little sofa-go-round, Value City Furniture, yielded no reclining couch for us, and would not be worth noting, save for the sight we beheld in the lot as we walked back to the car. As we approached the Cruiser, I happened to look down, and there, in the parking lot of South Flint Plaza, was a used, squashed tampon - a Tampax Super, if I had to guess. A tampon used, abandoned, and apparently the victim of more than one wrestling match with a car tire. It would have been wrong not to share this, so I got Jim's attention and pointed. He foolishly followed my finger and found himself staring at the strawberry pancake tampon. The look on his face said something like, "Why the FUCK would you go out of your way to make me look at that?"

As I stared, held captive wondering what could possibly be the story behind this, all I could think to say was, "Holy shit, I wish I'd brought my camera."

9 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Joseph said...

LMAO! Here I was reading along thinking oh what fun, like any self respecting MO! And then, just like the unsuspecting Jim, I follow your finger to that disgustingly funny conclusion.

You are seriously messed up and I LOVE IT!!!!

11:27 PM, March 19, 2005  
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

Ack!! Up until tonight, Bucky, I would've followed your finger anywhere. I praise heaven you didn't have your camera because I'd probably be flinching now if you did. I hear what you're saying about 'having an easy crowd'. My sense of humour falls flat or is a complete success depending on the clientele I'm with. Then again I'm a complicated man and no one understands me but my woman. SHAFT!!


12:05 AM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

You said you had a gross story to tell. I was reading through and getting a good laugh, not yet seeing anything gross. You used one of my favorite words, recalcitrant. Ichabod and I were getting a good laugh out of the "vapors" routine. He even made me do my interpretation of it for him.

Then, the punchline, the coup de gras! You had tears rolling. And I'm so jaded, reading these blogs, I rarely even laugh out loud. I wish you had camera, too. As it is it will stay lodged in my brain the way I mentally pictured it.
And I guess that's just the way it'll have to be.

I still owe you that rum cake.

8:07 AM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Greenie, Dang...don't y'all know by now that I will lead you down the primrose path to the grotesque every single time? It's why you keep comin' back, isn't it? Never, ever follow the finger! SHAFT! He's a bad mother...

Squirl - I'll wanna see your fainting form when I come over. This serves as fair warning.

8:56 AM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

If you'd had a camera (thank you, Lord, for not allowing such a thing), you would've had to post that disclaimer, SPOILER ALERT, or some such. I SO want to own a chaise, a fainting couch, to indulge my inner belle. I hope you two find your big comfy couch soon:)

12:27 PM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Dang and Susie -- I LOVE your new profile pics! We gotta get you one o' them, Squirl. I can make you one, heh heh heh

Susie, even I might, might have had the decency to put a spoiler alert. Or maybe not.
I think it was Amanda B. who coined the phrase "sullied brain pan" and I like to be the cause of that. I like to sully the brain pans of my cyber friends. Oh, and of course, the people I know in person. They get the bonus hand gestures to go with the filth.

1:45 PM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

I can just picture the drama, the Scarlett O'Haraesque swoon... unfortunately, I can also picture the tampon, and I am supposed to eat pizza tonight! Thanks loads!

Tell Jim this is what happens when you abandon March Madness for foo foo stuff like sofa shopping! You get shown the incredable, super sauced tampon pizza!

2:43 PM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, you're right. I should have a profile pic. But with the way you worded your comment .... you're scaring me.

5:58 PM, March 20, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

I love that you do the "vapors" thing in public. We would have sooo much fun shopping together, and trying to see who'd succumb to public embarrassment first.

Believe it or not, when I got to the...ahem...nasty part of your story, I was thinking, "Oooh, I bet she wished she'd brought her camera!"

9:48 PM, March 20, 2005  

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