the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Fun with divebombing

Jim's mom has a decent-sized back yard, and with several bird feeders scattered 'round, it's a great place for bird watching on a summer afternoon. When Jim and I visit, sometimes we'll all end up in the back yard, loungin' around in lawn chairs and watchin' our little avian friends dart in and out of the feeders.

Doesn't this sound like it's gonna be a nice story? Well, it's not.

On a hot, still, and sunny day some 13 years ago or so, we were similarly gathered in the back yard, and Jim and I were side-by-side in metal fan chairs (I don't know if that's what they're called, but they have the big fan-shaped backs on 'em. Anyone?), both drinkin' ice-cold Coke out of big, tall plastic cups. I was really skinny then, and was positive I looked absolutely fetching in my sleeves-cut-off jean jacket-turned-vest. We were watching some red-winged blackbirds feed, and I guess they decided to let me know that it wasn't polite to stare. I am not exaggerating the next part of this story at all, and I have several witnesses who would be delighted to laugh their asses off while corroborating my version of events.

I watched as the two birds flew off the feeder together, and then they seemed to fly in formation, circling over my head. Of course, I continued to watch 'em, and they circled together, and, in a breathtaking and wholly unexpected maneuver, they flew past me together, inches from me in fact. At the same time I felt the rush of air from their wings beating so very close to my person, I also heard a very loud SPLAT sound, not a tiny splat, but like the godzilla of splats. I looked down to find the front of my too-cute jean vest was now covered in bird shit; the coverage was staggering, from two relatively small birds, and they'd let loose their payloads in perfect harmony. It was the most deliberate, preplanned, evil thing I'd ever witnessed a bird do (until I had a parrot, and then I saw that all the time...'nother story, 'nother story).

We all sat in stunned silence for a split second, and then Jim shook his fist and yelled "Bastards!" before he collapsed in laughter. I was just kind of holding my arms out, in disbelief but with enough sense to not want to dip my arms in it. Then I realized I still had a nearly-full cup of Coke clutched in my hand. It was, of course, full of all the poop that hadn't made it onto my vest.

I could barely finish it.

[okay, so I might have exaggerated the last line a little, but the rest is absofuckinglutely true]

You can see why I've never again completely trusted birds.

13 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Ern said...

See? Animals really are a good judge of character. They knew who would appreciate the joke and who would run for the shotgun and take down the feeders forever

8:14 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

You know Bucky, I'm like way freaked out by birds. Can't stand 'em. Give me the creeps.

Oh, I lauhged my ass off by the way. Snicker. Sorry!

If it makes you feel better I had one poop in my hair once. So there.


8:32 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I was wondering if you'd ever tell that story. Glad you did.

8:48 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

didn't think blogger was gonna let me post for a few nminutes there. Think haloscan!

Birds are evil! Ask my sister, who once had an amazingly simular incident with a couple of sea gulls. It was very ugly!

9:26 PM, April 20, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some people believe being shat on by a bird is a sign of good luck.

I say that's a load of shit.


Thank you, I'll be here all week.

9:43 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Madame D said...

Oh, that's so fucking wrong. I'm so glad he had the presence of mind to shout "bastards!" before he collapsed laughing.
There's your mighty warrior, avenging your honor!

10:33 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

And to think... people actually DEBATE whether or not animals have intelligence.

11:00 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

No wonder Squirl likes birds so much. Not very nice tits. (

11:02 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

Doh!! Poor Bucky :(

I was once boarding a bus on the way to work and stood inside of a small crowd of people getting on. All of a sudden I'm dumped on and the white shirt I was wearing wasn't white anymore. Everyone checked to see if the got hit by shrapnel but not a drop, I bore the brunt of it. It was laser guided bird shit. I swear that in the Toronto sky's there's a flying hippo because I was peppered with it. --sob--


11:13 PM, April 20, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...


There would have been two less birds in the world had that happened to me.


5:37 AM, April 21, 2005  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

Birds are evil tings, I got crapped on in London last year...

Hilarious blog, btw... hope you don't mind me linking to you.

8:57 AM, April 21, 2005  
Blogger Spurious Nurse said...

Just wait until they get you in the hair. That's the worst...

2:56 PM, April 21, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

I wonder if they were Dodo birds, cause they sure do sound like they were related to dicks.

4:11 PM, April 21, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home