the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Friday, September 16, 2005

Friday on my mind

Old. That's what I am.

Once upon a time, if you'd wandered up to me on a Friday morning and asked me about my plans for the weekend, you'd have gotten an enthusiastic reply that likely included four or more of the following terms:

  • Beer
  • Live music
  • Road trip
  • Hot Damn! (shut up)
  • Porn
  • Shopping
  • Porn shopping
  • Beer
  • Vaseline
  • Rope burns
  • Whiskers on kittens (just wanted to see if you were still payin' attention)
  • Beer
But now, things are different. I've crossed the line from black stockings to support hose, from a pushup bra to a gatherup bra, from thongs to Depends. If you were to get really close so I could hear you in my good ear, and you were to ask me about my plans for the weekend, my reply would center around the fact that we're havin' a dumpster delivered to the house today so we can throw out lots and lots of crap that we just don't want anymore.

I know. If my life were any more exciting, I'd have to thump my pacemaker a lot more than I do now. But I feel a little crazy and adventurous today. After the dumpster is filled, I have half a mind to drink a beer and wet my Depends, right on the front porch.

Then the neighbors will know I haven't lost my edge.

55 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Nilbo said...

Ah, yes. She used to open a bottle of beer with her teeth. And she still can ... only now she takes them out to do it.

8:02 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

I must be getting old. The thought of having a big giant dumpster to throw everything into? Sounds kinda Because my sexy weekend is focusing on cleaning out the garage. Woohoo! Middle-age, middle-earth, I'm becoming an f'n hobbit. (Yet retaining attractive feet.)

8:51 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

We don't get a dumpster delivered anymore--we just buy off the garbage collectors with beer and they take extra stuff....

9:15 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Nilbo - sssssssh, don't ruin my party tricks for everybody before I've had a chance to spring it on 'em!

Plazajen - I'd prefer hobbits to most of my neighbors. Come on, hobbits like to eat and smoke and daydream all the time. Why was I born too tall to be a hobbit? Damn!

Effie - that's it. I'm movin' to Canada, where the garbagemen can be bribed.

9:22 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Closet Metro said...

Weekend agenda:
Work on car.
Take a nap.
Drink coffee.
Mow lawn.

It's the kind of weekend where you know you won't wake up Monday morning with a new tattoo and ask "Where the hell did that come from?"

9:32 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Closet - I kinda miss those mystery tattoo days...
I still wonder most about the one on my ass that says "I (heart) Donkeys"

9:33 AM, September 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off, Ms Buckster, I'm exactly the same age you arrrrr (out of respect for next Monday's 'Talk Like A Pirate Day').

Secondly....uh. Yeah. Secondly...I seemed to have forgot where I was going with this.

OK, point taken.

9:36 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Funny stuff. Yesterday my boss asked me if I was doing anything fun this weekend. I had to pause a moment. "If I am, I don't know about it yet. Oh, wait. I'm catching up on laundry. It's fun to have clean clothes to wear!" Ohlordhelpmyoldass. You have inspired me, though, Bucky, with your list of things you used to do. By gum, I'm going to go shopping for vaseline!

9:44 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...


10:59 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Dazed - arrrrrr! Good to know you're in the Pirate spirit, too. And I guess we can just be ancient bookends together.

Susie - just don't go in the store and say, "By vaseline, give me some gum." They are NOT interchangeable, sexually speaking.

Mr. B - I should rip out my vericose veins and smack you 'cross the face for that remark, whippersnapper.

11:21 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mrtl - why does that sound so dirty?
"Mom always said, use a lotta KY before you party in the dumpster!"

11:59 AM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

So, to recap: this weekend, you're taking your teeth out, gumming the garbagemen, buying some vaseline, and letting a donkey party in your dumpster.

Middle age doesn't sound so boring. I'm almost looking forward to it, now.

12:15 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

OK, Nilbo, I think you're havin' some serious flashbacks here.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
The acid can't hurt you now.

12:58 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

I'm hosting a sleepover for six- and seven-year olds tonight.

Wanna trade?

1:16 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

LadyBug - that would be a very demure "FUCK, NO!"

1:17 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

Oh shit, about to wet my pants..not sure if it's because you are all so hilarious, or just the natural result of being even older than Katy. Either way, gotta run!

2:22 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

What more is there to add? Oh, Bucky, you used to date a Hobbit.

3:12 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

It would be cooler if you rented a dumpster to fill with pudding and wrestle in, that would show those neighbors you got edge baby.

3:36 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

Dumpster pudding wrestling? Now that sounds even better than porn.

3:48 PM, September 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At a glance, the beer and live music items blended into "liver" and I thought, "What the fuck did she used to do with liver?!" That was the only thing on the list that had me wondering...

Now of course, I'm wondering when my next eye appt. is.

Happy weekend, Buckster.

4:37 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Bear - I'm tellin' ya, those Depends will save you a lot of legwork.

Squirl - I did date a hobbit. Even down to his hairy feet.

Jess - as long as it can be banana puddin', I'm game. But not with the Nilla Wafers in it. That might hurt.

Kranki - and if you combine the dumpster puddin wrasslin with porn? You got yourself a jamboree.

Kalki - it's not what I did to liver, it's what the beer did to MY liver.
You have a groovy weekend too!

5:32 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Zombie_Flyboy said...

I swore off Hot Damn long ago, but I have a bottle of Brass Monkey I've been saving for a special occasion.

So here's what I'll do. I'll bring the funky monkey, two dollars (of course), a jumbo sized tub of Crisco, an assortment of sex toys stolen from a dirty truck stop restroom, and my unicycle built for two.

We'll go road trippin' old school super-star style baby!

And it'll rock!

5:39 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Zombie - wait, I thought it was my job to supply the funky monkey?
But hey, I'm game!

And sex toys from a truckstop pisser? You sure know how to spoil a $2 whore don'tcha there, flesheater?

6:11 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

But if you can still uncork a bottle of wine using only your lips, every guy within a square mile will stop and stare.

What? Oh, like you never did that before....whatever.

6:11 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Eclectic - I'm not sure if that's possible for me, anatomically speakin'. Remember, I did earn myself the temporary middle name of Caverna.

Oh, wait.

You meant my MOUTH, didn't you?

Hmmm hmm hmm hmm, nothin' to see here, people.

6:13 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger swamp4me said...

Bucky, I'm older than you and you know what I'm doing this weekend???? I'm going to a birthday party for a four-year-old! Woot!!! Party down.

6:40 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Kassi Gilbert said...

I'm glad my hubby doesn't read your blog. I don't need him getting any ideas about Depends.

7:11 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

All the other ideas floating around here and kassi's worried about depends?

Wait a minute, if none of the other ideas bother her... SHE'S MY KIND A GIRL! How far ahead can you start making pudding?

8:50 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Pee in the yard! Just stand there with a glass of wine, and pee while talking to your shocked neighbors.
"So I says to Myrtle I says..."

8:59 PM, September 16, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

On my last birthday I said that I was feeling younger than my years. Now, almost three-quarters of the way through the year, the process is reversing. With my next birthday will be the BIG SIX ZERO, I have no idea how or what to feel. I have never been 60 before. Hoe does one act?

12:18 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Spurious Nurse said...

I say whip out what you've got hidden in the gatherup bra and shake. Preferably IN the dumpster full of pudding.

And for Gods sake, take some pictures.

2:05 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger -Ann said...

Are you kidding? Filling a dumpster with unwanted crap was one of the best weekends I've ever spent. It can change your life, really.

7:55 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

*cough* honey, I'm 21 and I am sitting at home reading your blog on a saturday night and I am about to go to bed. at 9pm. with NO beer.

I think the depends will have a more exciting night than me.

8:44 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Sat a.m.

I hope y'all are using that dumpster for its intended purpose. And if you're not, I hope the neighbors are videotaping.

9:42 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

I've incorporated Depends, beer and live music together for years. The bathrooms at music venues suck and you lose your place. I found that a pair of depends and the plastic pants work pretty well.

You don't want to shoot a deuce. That's not good.

The only downside is the diaper rash, but it did conjure up thoughts of childhood.

10:44 AM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Kassi Gilbert said...

Bucky have you ever had Hot Damn apple pie? I'll have to send you the won't swear it off anymore.

1:19 PM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Um, Bucky, it's like, Saturday, almost Sunday now. I hope Friday is no longer on your mind.

10:39 PM, September 17, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Bucky! Get outta that dumpster! Here, baby, you need a fresh Depends . . .

8:14 AM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...


Bucky has not been seen since Friday, since just before that dumpster arrived. We have reason to believe that she is in there. And we can't let her go out like that. Not like that. We are forming a search party, to go dumpster diving and rescue her chapless ass. I mean her assless chaps ass. Please sign up to help search, or to bring refreshments. Lots and lots of refreshments.

Thank you.

9:14 AM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I'm signing up for the search party right now. I don't have any fresh baked goods but I can bring some Cocoa Rice Krispies.

Thanks for starting getting this organized, Susie.

9:17 AM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

OMG!! I'm bringing the taco dip and chips, along with a half-rack. Bucky? Bucky? Oh, Buuu--ckyyyyyy? Oh dear....this is more serious than I thought. Perhaps a case of bottled water, as well then.

10:24 AM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

I just hope when she shows up her panties dont still say Friday on them too....

I'll bring the imitation crab, the package says its Crab-tastic!!!

They wouldnt lie about that would they?

12:52 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

squirl, whip up a rum cake, that'll lure her outta there!

1:53 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

eclectic, you've told us you're no Dolly Parton, but "half-rack," come one, go easy on yourself, girl, it can't be like THAT.

Hmmmm, what's in this dumpster . . .

You can't throw this out, Bucky! Not the Bucky Crocker dress . . . rolling pin . . .
some worn-out porn videos . . . some curiously soiled rubber figurines . . . WAIT, I gotta get some gloves on here . . .

2:55 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

heh heh.... not THAT kind of rack, Susie! That'd make it a quarter-rack for sure. *sigh* But here we are, debating the fine points of "rack" and no Bucky? What's the world coming to?!

5:13 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Rum cake, of course. That would bring Bucky out of any dumpster.

Well, we can at least eat well until we find her. Jess, pass over that imitation crab.

Um, Eclectic, I'm afraid I might have to pass on that rack now. I will take the chips and dip, too.

5:21 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

OK, I've got my gloves on, I'm going back in!

WHAT THE HELL? *sniffsniff* Something smells like CATFOOD in here . . .

5:23 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Um hey, I am also missing some wax wings, I'm supposed to be taking them out on a test flight for some weird guy in a toga. Says he knows Bucky and its ok.... if you see them in there let me know.

5:30 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

WAIT! CRAP! Everybody freeze!

I lost a contact.


5:32 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Here, jess, I got your contact. It was stuck to the remains of the Condoleezza grits. It's a damn shame Bucky ate those instead of selling them. I could have had a finder's fee. Hmmm, wonder if anyone's face appeared when they came out...

6:14 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Susie, umm was it stuck to the before or the after remains cause um, I can go blind for alittle while, thats ok...

6:26 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Susie, you didn't find any of the Depends yet did you?

6:37 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Only you people would organize a search party with refreshments. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

And you get what you deserve if you think it's a good idea to paw through my dumpster.
I can't believe no one has mentioned the mayonnaise-covered Slinky.

9:02 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Oh, and thank you for jumping on "half rack" in my absence.

It had to be said.

9:14 PM, September 18, 2005  
Blogger Nina said...

Well now I know what you all were doing over the weekend. Searching for Bucky . . . talking about depends and dumpsters, and other shit. Buying vaseline and gum. . . my weekend just wasn't that exciting.

7:23 PM, September 19, 2005  

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