the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Friday, April 28, 2006

What's in YOUR gullet?

Shock you all as this might, I must confess that I do not always have the most sophisticated taste in cuisine.

Don't get me wrong - there's nothing I like better than delicately gorging on sushi (even though someone won't allow me to wear my Towelie t-shirt to the sushi bar), or letting a wondrous filet mignon melt in my mouth like a priest on a choirboy. But that doesn't necessarily preclude my occasional (and by occasional, I mean frequent) shameful visits to such lowbrow establishments as McDonald's or Taco "might as well just smear it on your thighs now" Bell.

When I first noticed a local KFC/Long John Silver's, I proclaimed my delight. Jess laughed and said, "And I was just thinking, there's not enough Immodium in the world for that..."

I have eliminated a lot of deep-fried fast food from my diet, but there are times when one must indulge in the truly awful. Yesterday, my bank pissed me off in a major way. I mean muttering to myself, slamming my hand on the steering wheel, lookin' like a crazy person in traffic pissed off. There's this thing in my brain that makes me crave food that I know is terrible for me, and will make me feel sick later, whenever I am this pissed off. Maybe it's a passive/aggressive suicide attempt, I dunno.

Be that as it may, my first stop after the bank was Long John Silver's, where I surrendered to the greasy fish planks and breaded testicles hush puppies. My gut felt awful afterward, and my palate felt more violated than a broken stop sign. But a lot of my fuming anger had dissipated, drowned in the fat, and I was once more fit for semi-propah society.

Later on, as Jess and I were browsing the bargain section at Barnes and Noble - and let me just say, B&N beats the holy livin' shit outta Border's any day of the week - I mentioned that I'd had a little aggression therapy at Long John Silver's earlier.

Jess: I can live with the fact that you like that stuff, but I never want to watch you eat it.
Me: So if I'm outta sight with my greasy food, I'm safe.
Jess: Yeah, otherwise I would feel compelled to slap it out of your hands.
Me: You'd slap the fish outta my hands?
Jess: Yes, I would.
Me: Can I quote you on that?
Jess: Absolutely.

So if you happen to see me in Long Johns Silver's, or KFC, Pizza Hut, or anywhere else with grease drippin' off my chin? No paparazzi, please!

In other somewhat food-related news, I don't think there's been enough barfing around this blog lately. It's high time we fixed that, isn't it?

Sunday morning when I woke up, I stumbled into the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal, and as I was walking into the front room to eat, this adorable face greeted me:

Miss innocence

I greeted the adorable face with an affable, "Hi, Hermione!"

Adorable face looked up at me, emitted a belch that would put legions of frat boys to shame, and then vomited an enormous helping of half-digested kibble at my feet. Put off my cereal, at least temporarily, I noticed upon closer inspection (with a paper towel in my hand) that this kibble came with a prize: one plastic bunny eye.

And no, you fuckers, I didn't get pictures of that, either.

13 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Candy said...

You only fish slap the ones you love.

10:47 PM, April 28, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

A plastic bunny eye??? I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for, her or you.

Sorry you were forced to eat crap food because your bank was stupid. I promise to never take a picture of you if I see you eating junk food.

And you looked very nice after you changed out of Towlie and into a "girlie" shirt.

10:48 PM, April 28, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

You wore a girlie shirt?? And no one took photos of it?? *sheesh*

11:37 PM, April 28, 2006  
Blogger Madame D said...

Well, a nice morning barf is sometimes what we all need.

And I agree on the "food that hates us".
Sometimes, it's just sooooooo good...

12:34 AM, April 29, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Damn, Bucky, it is almost 1:00 a.m. and now you have meeting want fast, greasy food! And I really don’t want to put my clothes on and drive the ten minutes to the closest Mickey D’s that is open all night!

12:45 AM, April 29, 2006  
Blogger Catalyst said...

My daughter had a dog she'd treat to stuffed toys she'd buy at the thrift stores. First thing he'd do is rip the eyes out and swallow them. Much of the stuffing would then follow into his stomach.

He's dead now.

3:29 PM, April 29, 2006  
Blogger Mike said...

Damn it all to hell you've got me craving Long John Silver's. Maybe if I just think about dog barf I will get over it.

6:33 PM, April 29, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

bullshit you didn't take photos. you just don't want to share :)

8:16 PM, April 29, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

ok, maybe it's an american thing...but what are hush puppies?

No matter how much I love deep-fried food, I know that if I'm feeling a bit like I need a laxative, it works every time!
(Too much info, I know)

9:58 PM, April 29, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Wanna see photo of Bucky in a girlie shirt! :oD

12:26 AM, April 30, 2006  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Are you sure that was a plastic bunny eye?

12:16 PM, April 30, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ew ew ew... that's just gross, man... A little funny, but really gross. Ew.

10:54 AM, May 01, 2006  
Blogger dashababy said...

OH MAN! I miss our Long John Silvers too and I had completely forgotten about the hush puppies.
That is some good cuisine. And I do love McDonalds' fish sandwich, yummy. I'm hungry.
And dog puke, that's just part of my everyday life. Well, maybe not everyday, sometimes he mixes it up with diarhea, snot or pee.
I'm still hungry.

4:31 PM, May 01, 2006  

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