the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Can't stop talkin' 'bout my monkey

Let me just say this now: I will hate it, absolutely hate it, when I have to go back on a set work schedule. Right now, all the work I'm doing is online, and I can work at whatever time of day I like, and dressed (or not dressed) as I please. I love to log on and work at 2 in the morning, dressed in funky monkey jammies, sock monkey slippers, and a viking helmet; it's truly a liberating experience. Structure will come as a cold, wet slap in the face whenever it happens. Tomorrow it will be four weeks since I moved, so I guess it's probably about time to start dressin' up and shoppin' my resumé around town.

Scheduling appointments is a breeze when one has no preordained time to punch in and out of the office. Now, if you've seen me lately (in the last six months), you know that my hair is out of control on the shaggy side of town. What I need more than anything right now is to get lots and lots of hair cut off, and then have Jess dye it for me, as my color fades fast and my roots are as long as a stately dwarf is tall. So what did I do today? I scheduled a wax. Wrong hair, dumbass! I'm certain no potential employer will request that I drop my pants for a monkey check...and if they do? Then I've certainly applied for the wrong sort of work. I'm not the pole spinner in this family.

I am now on my third waxer. Rumor has it that the other two ran screaming and were last seen clawing their own eyes out with matching crowbars, but really, it's just because I moved. No, really. The hair-ripper today was nice enough, and willing to look at me without pants on, which I find is a real bonus in a waxer.

What the fuck is one supposed to talk about during a wax? I really try to steer the conversation away from the task at hand, because what kind of chatter could that instigate? "My, that's quite a vagina you've got there, ma'am." or "Damn! It's like freakin' steel wool down there!" or "You know, the Pippi Labiastocking tattoo was probably really cute when you were twenty, but now?..." or "OH GOD, IT HAS TEETH!"

Really, the only bit of our conversation I remember is when she had me in a totally awkward and humiliating position in order to reach, ah, stuff, and I told her, "If you should see me on the street sometime? Pretend this never happened."

But enough about my monkey.

I continue to add furniture to my room and shift things out of cardboard boxes, disappointing the cats, who truly love the array of cardboard available to them in here. Baby Nala showed her displeasure Sunday, when I let her previously perfectly well-behaved skinny orange ass in here, only to have her march straight over to my bed, squat, and pee on my comforter while I talked to my mom on the phone. "Yeah, I'm settling in really well, and the cats are really friendly - goddammit, Nala just peed on my damn bed! Just a second, Mom..." Then again, maybe that piss was all about revenge.

When I finish this post, I will be assembling the chair I bought today. It's one of those ergonomic chairs where it has no back; instead, you sit on the back cushion and kneel on the front cushion, sort of like the three-point landings that were strictly forbidden by Dad when we knelt in church (no butt was to touch the pew behind us when we were on the kneeler or else). Here's what it's supposed to look like:


But just between you and me, I'm afraid that this is what it will look like when I'm done:

Dali chair
Gotta go - Livey, Weebs and Wobbles are fighting over the empty chair box. And don't believe any girl who says she doesn't enjoy having three cats fight over her box.

15 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Madame D said...

See, it's the revenge pisses that get the door shut in your face.
They need to learn to express their displeasure more sneakily, and that way, it can also be blamed on other cats.

1:24 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Gina said...

My cats steal my chair all the time... that or any warm spot (where I was just sitting). Good luck putting that thing together. I love those chairs...

1:47 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Kathryn said...

Wow, you've got pussy problems all over the place today.

2:48 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Candy said...

You pull a me quite nicely

4:22 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hummm. And I though Alex was unique in wanting to sit in my favorite chair. Well, that's pussies for you: always out of control.

4:54 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

Cats are bastards when it comes to chairs, and I'm sure your crew is no different.

7:57 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger said...

I would open with pig labia or something similar. Might as well break them in right. That or have a big ole can of Van De Camps pork n beans for breakfast before you go. If they stick around then you have your waxer.

8:22 AM, May 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know waxers look at vags all day, but I would be afraid that they would take one look and be like, "" like when you go to the hair stylist and you have cut your own bangs for a year. And then my vag-confidence would be ruined for LIFE! Oh, and I live in a really small town, and I don't want girls I went to high school with (who are now in the biz of wax) seeing that which tempted their boyfriends. Or maybe I do...

10:30 AM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

those are the comfiest chairs!

my cat punishes me for not paying enough attention to him by puking on the carpet--then he comes to tell me he's done soemthing--"meow, meow" which I think means-"haha you suck!"

12:38 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Callie said...

I just cannot bring myself to go to a waxer. I'm entirely too easily embarassed, and something like that would kill me.

Oh - and working in your jammies totally rocks. :-D

12:46 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger KentuckyCritter said...

Well, you learn something everyday...and I learned something valuable today (no... nothing about your monkey or waxing)...never drink coffe while reading Bucky's blog!'s h*ll snorting hot coffee through your nose....

1:16 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

Critter, it's never safe to imbibe any beverage whilst perusing Bucky's blog.

That chair looks pretty comfy. Sitting in it is one thing, let's just hope that no cat decides to piss on it...

2:13 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Jess waxes your eyebrows, and isn't afraid of seeing your monkey... see where I'm going with this? Wax on, wax off. Jus' sayin'.

6:29 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

"Oh God! It's got teeth!" cracked my shit up!

Mine would go as follows:
"What the hell have you been feeding it?!"

7:46 PM, May 10, 2006  
Blogger Lori Denine and her cat said...

I once heard a joke involving a woman, getting her yearly Exam, who was running late and quickly cleaned up with a washcloth that her daughter had used to wipe off body glitter with. She had wondered why the doctor and nurse had odd looks on their faces.

Now, there's a conversation starter next time ya go a-waxin.

1:47 AM, May 11, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home