the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The royal pee pee...

Tell me this headline wouldn't make you look twice:

King Tut's Penis Rediscovered

Of course my interest was piqued. Clearly, someone was playing hide the sausage with the boy pharaoh's tallywhacker. Here was a story I could really sink my teeth into:

"Photographed intact by Harry Burton (1879-1940) during Howard Carter's excavation of Tut's tomb in 1922, the royal penis was reported missing in 1968, when British scientist Ronald Harrison took a series of X-rays of the mummy."

All I can picture here is this guy in 1922 with a camera going "Gor blimey, looka the sausage on that feller!" And who couldn't love the phrase "the royal penis"? Rolls off the tongue easier'n nonstick jizz. I wonder what Harrison said, exactly, when he reported it missing in 1968? Was there an all-points bulletin for one purloined penis, Egyptian, medium build, last seen wearing a cartouche with hieroglyphics that read, roughly translated, "Just 'cause I'm dead don't mean you ain't gotta suck it"? Did anyone suspect that it might have escaped all on its own? And was the nutsack gone, too?

This kind of story always leaves me with more questions.

"Speculation abounded that the penis had been stolen and sold.

'Instead, it has always been there. I found it during the CT scan last year, when the mummy was lifted. It lay loose in the sand around the king's body. It was mummified,' Zahi Hawass, chief of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, told Discovery News."

So...why was it reported missing? Was Harrison perhaps expecting to see a more pronounced staff on the pharaoh? Is there a market for errant Egyptian dead guy dick? And who the fuck looks at a mummy's penis?

"At first look, Burton's pictures may seem to indicate that King Tut could have been a little better endowed. But according to mummy expert Eduard Egarter Vigl, the pharaoh was normally built."

Now they're not only looking at the mummy's penis, they're passing judgement on the size of it when royal blood coursed through the royal vein. What kind of people obsess over a mummy's penis?

Well, you can put me on the list. And I don't buy for a minute that Tut was endowed any less than the Sphinx.

How did they close the sarcophagus?
How the fuck did they get the sarcophagus closed?

Hung like a king
Now I understand that it's not a beard on his chin - it's a condom.

Pharaoh on pharaoh love
And where would we be without some pharaoh on pharaoh love? See Tut suck. Suck, Tut, suck!

21 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Candy said...


I love you.

5:24 PM, May 04, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Thanks to your cartoon from back when, the only thing going through my mind is 'did he get some pate?'
Good Ol' king jigney, or whatever his name was before his/her world tour under the label Celine Dion.

5:41 PM, May 04, 2006  
Blogger hemlock said...

Is nothing sacred?

Jesus Bucky, leave the poor dead pharoah alone.

"Suck, Tut, suck!" is now one of my favorite sayings!

5:44 PM, May 04, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

The royal penis? Is that a new name for Prince Charles?

7:34 PM, May 04, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

I'm afraid to read the article. I don't wanna know if the King Cock Sack still produces hair after death. I just don't.

9:39 PM, May 04, 2006  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

Good Lord, woman. You are DEPRAVED. And I dig that about you... it's why I keep coming back! :-)

11:26 PM, May 04, 2006  
Blogger Phoebe Fay said...

Tut suck tut suck suck tut suck tut

I can't say that ten times fast, but I'm still NEVER going to be able to get it out of my head.

But I'm surprised you didn't mention the bit about the bits of Otzi the Iceman, the world's oldest mummy. Poor Otzi. The natural mummification left him with a "collapse of the genitalia." By comparison, Tut is a super-sized love machine.

12:03 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ok, that was by far the very best history lesson I ever had. Where the hell were you in my 8th grade history class when we learned about this, that's what I wanna know...

12:12 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Jess - Takes one to know one. Mwah!

M_D - good memory! Yes, I think King Jiggney did live a secret life as horseface Dion.

LeafGirl - you know I can't stop molesting the dead king.

Squirl - Prince Charles is lucky if people remember he has a penis.

Mr. B - where's your spirit of curiosity?

Charlotte - depraved, yes. Deprived, no more. ;)

Phoebe Fay - I guess I was just trying to spare poor Otzi more embarassment. I can hear him howling from beyond the grave: "It's SHRINKAGE!"

Jim - in 8th grade? I was tormenting Mr. Spring with speeches like "How religion has screwed up the world" and "Why drugs really aren't that bad for you." Seriously. For some reason, that fucker hated me, so I thought I'd just give him as much excuse as possible.

2:01 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Gosh Bucky, that's a very private and probing quetion don't you think? You're not going to pull a Barbara Walters and make me cry are you?

6:36 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I have never been more proud to know you.

8:35 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Effie said...

well...that title would certainly attract attention...

those archaeologists are just pervs, eh?! why, indeed, were they looking for his dick?


8:59 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger said...

Now you have done it. With all the curses associated with pillaging the kings tomb, Im sure they thought up something to fix you. fix ya real good. You may be queen of the blog world today, but woa to you bucky and the creators of photo shop. Woe to you.

9:18 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...


9:24 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

King Tut's Penis Rediscovered

Well, I'm sure that makes King Tut happy! :)

"The Royal Penis" -- that's exactly how I refer to Hubby...

10:19 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

The term royal penis was used in Eddie Murphy's "Coming to America"... the scene where he's sitting in the pool and suddenly this topless girl breaks the surface and reports "The royal penis is clean, your highness". (The movie also contains the wonderful line "So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.")

11:12 AM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Even before you or squirl said anything, I was stuck on "the royal penis." Some words, everyone should just get one legit chance to say in a lifetime. These are such words.
You were right, I needed this; thanks for the invite :)

3:04 PM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

No, Bucky, considering the source of the headline, it didn’t make me want to look twice.

FYI, Tut’s penis isn’t the only famous appendage that has been news worthy. Back in 1969 an American urologist named John Kingsley Lattimer supposed paid $38,000 for Napoleon's penis.

6:37 PM, May 05, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

Oh my. That's hilarious!

1:28 AM, May 06, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Honestly, who would pay that much for a dead prick?


1:48 AM, May 06, 2006  
Blogger Susie said...

Oh, and um, I guess if there ever will be a "proper" place to confess this, this is that place: I've always had a major thing for the Sphinx. Nothing hotter.

8:56 AM, May 06, 2006  

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