the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Sims of the father

I found something out about myself tonight: I like to watch.

Oh, not like that. Well, maybe if it's gay cat sex, but that's not what I'm talkin' about here. Take your collective minds out of the gutter, Internet as a Whole; why would you even think like that around here in this bastion of wholesomeness? Makes me wanna take the rolling pin out of my cavernous vagina and admonish you all with it. Shame, shame, shame. Haven't I raised you better than that? Gosh!

No, it dawned on me this evening that I take great delight in watching Jess play Sims 2 on the computer.

I've been peripherally aware of the Sims; my last guitar player had it for PS2 and was obsessed with finding the cheat code to make his characters naked. Beyond that, though, I'd never paid much attention to the whole Sims phenomenon.

Earlier tonight, I wandered into the computer room and saw Jess busily running the affairs of two remarkably lifelike computerized characters, one very nervous fellow with a mohawk and another, more authoritative gent with short-cropped hair and a beard. She saw my fascination and took me on a tour of the room, which included a lie detector machine and an electric chair. I couldn't look away.

She explained to me that you could manipulate the characters' interpersonal relationships, which, of course, means making them fight and have sex (not necessarily at the same time, but not ruling it out, either). Then she demonstrated the art of changing the appearance of the game people by giving the bearded chap the makeover of his life. By the time she was finished, he'd ditched the blonde beard in favor of a red fu manchu moustache, had added some fetching eye makeup and red lipstick, and the glorious final touch that really pulled the look together, she'd plopped a horned viking helmet atop his head. He was ready to socialize.

Viking boy and the mohawk guy met up in the kitchen and she demonstrated how one could accelerate hostilities between the two, including irritating each other with grossouts (spitting, belching and farting noxious yellow gases, and snot rockets), verbal insults, poking, slapping, shoving (the viking seemed prone to breaking down in tears after all this), and finally, attacking, where the two characters dissolve into a cloud of dust and debri worthy of any Warner Brothers cartoon. Then, when the viking's wife came home, mohawk dude proceeded to hit on her in front of an agitated viking.

I'm hooked, and I haven't even seen them perform WooHoo yet, though I'm told it involves two characters diving under the covers where they rustle about, bark like dogs, and giggle, then emerge hungry, tired, and dirty. There's also the distinct possibility that WooHoo will lead to pregnancy. Oh, and if you stare through the telescope long enough, you'll be abducted by aliens, and men have been known to come back from this experience knocked up with alien babies.

If watching Jess play Sims in wrong, I don't want to be right. But then, no one has ever accused me of being right.

ps: She just had her Marilyn Manson Sim make WooHoo with Vampirella for my amusement. And theirs as well, from the look of it. I heartily approve.

As an aside: I'm truly annoyed with my misbehaving laptop right now and am using one of the family PCs here to write this. To add a nice layer of insult to injury, I went to Apple's web site to apply for credit to purchase the
Mac Mini of my dreams, and was awarded $750 in credit. Seven hundred and fucking fifty dollars. Might as well wipe yer ass with it. Just like I plan to do with my laptop. Hmmph!

14 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sims 2 is great fun. Don't forget to Woohoo in the Spa and the Car.

2:28 AM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

I have never played any of the SIMs games. I should look into that.

$750? You can't even LOOK at a decent Mac for that. I'm sending you thousands in cash.

9:47 AM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Squirl said...

I'll be happy to hear about Sims from a distance. I already waste too much time on the computer.

And, yeah, what's up with the $750 joke here? That's a shame.

10:56 AM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Bob said...

The entry level mac mini is $600. Just $50 more than your credit approval ($800) and you can the 1.66Ghz core duo and other upgrades. Sounds like a done deal to me.

12:04 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Thing is, though, I really don't wanna spring for the Mini unless I can have it exactly the way I want it, which includes 2 GB of RAM (I do a lot of memory-intensive graphics apps), 120GB hard drive, and the super drive (which is a DVD burner). I'm tired of "settling" when I buy computers and then being almost immediately sorry I didn't spring for the better model.

1:27 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oooo... the SIMS.

Very addictive... or so I'm told.

2:04 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

You need to check out Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 if ya haven't.

2:14 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger eclectic said...

WooHoo?? Bwahahahahahahahaha!

4:48 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger I'm not here. said...

Sims suggestion:
Whoo-hoo in teh car.
On teh freeway.

5:56 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

I was upset after our burglary, in part because my Sim (who was built to look like me/same temperament & needs) was gone (on the burgled PS2). I had to do the cheat code for fufilling all basic needs, because a) I love gnomes and b) I had a temperamental Sim (moi?) who would reach a point where she wouldn't shower, wouldn't use the toilet, wouldn't eat & wouldn't sleep & I'd have to just let her pass out on the floor (moi?) and hope she'd stay knocked out long enough to get some energy. However? She loved to dance, and even in a near-death state, would stop & snap her fingers to the radio. Damn, I loved that Sim.... ;)

8:47 AM, July 28, 2006  
Blogger limpy99 said...

I'll start playing Sims when the characters can pull rolling pins out of their cavernous vaginas.

Now I have to buy another keyboard.

11:18 AM, July 28, 2006  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

1) Viking helmets did NOT have horns, that's a myth invented in the 19th century by a filthy, lying yankee.

2) Vikings do NOT break down in tears when annoyed, they cut people to tiny pieces with their battle axes. Yet another filthy yankee lie!

5:40 PM, July 28, 2006  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

Bucky - have you seen this?

6:04 PM, July 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bucky - F.Y.I. Apple's stocks today were up 3.45%...over two now and you could have the mac of your dreams in no time at all. I am in the local Mac user's group and was told last night at the meeting.

11:49 PM, July 28, 2006  

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