the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, March 14, 2005

That ain't the monkey's paw

Sometimes in the summer, Jim and I will take a Friday off from work and go to the Detroit Zoo. I may be teetering dangerously on 40 years old, but there's nothing like a trip to the zoo to get me jumping up and down and clapping like a rabid child (well, there are other things, but I promised Jim I wouldn't write about our mating rituals here).

The last time we went, which was probably three or four years ago, it was such a hot day that we spent a disproportionate amount of time in the Penguinarium, which is cavelike and kept very cool. The top of the penguins' area is rocky and sparse, and the bottom half is water. We watched the penguins swim and porpoise, and waddle around on the rocks like little nuns who had to get up mid-crap to fetch more toilet paper.

A mother brought her two young sons in, and the boys were fascinated by the tuxedo birds. When they had the kids' full attention (and you can't tell me they didn't plan it), a large male penguin walked up behind a female that he apparently found enticing, pushed her face-first against a rock, and proceeded to vigorously insinuate his naughty penguin bits into her corresponding penguin bit slot. The little boys were riveted, gripping the rail, staring with total fascination as they both began to pepper their mother with uncomfortable questions about the penguin porno floor show unfolding at a frantic pace before their unjaded eyes. A horrified mom gave us a quick glance of utter helplessness, then quickly and wordlessly swept her arm around both her sons and exited with all due haste.

The little cave echoed with our laughter, and Jim and I didn't think we'd see anything else that would top that. And then came the monkeys.

Monkeys, apes, chimps, baboons, they're all monkeys to me. I am not a zoologist, and I may not even be continent, so allow me my sloppy species identification. In any case, we found ourselves in front of the chimpanzee exhibit, where some chimps napped and a few pranced and cavorted for our amusement. We were standing in the middle of a decent-sized group of strangers when one of the female chimps flopped down on her back, and flung her legs as wide open as they would go. We were lookin' right into the heart of her monkey allure. A few people politely supressed giggles.

Not my husband. He laughed heartily, and then said, loud enough to be heard in the fucking butterfly house, "Hey! She looks just like YOU, honey!"

As I stood there, feeling as helpless as the mother in the penguin house, a few people walked away quickly with their shoulders shaking. A few more people just looked at us and then started giggling. There was nothing I could say or do to lessen the tingle of unwanted attention, so I just stood completely still and prayed for the monkey people to disperse and stop staring at me like...well, like the chimp with her ankles behind her ears.

The whole thing just makes me paranoid about my shaving habits.

17 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger the niffer said...

Bucky, you should have totally whipped off your pants and flashed her back.

Take that Monkey!

9:50 PM, March 14, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Banana nut bread anyone?

10:05 PM, March 14, 2005  
Blogger Dang Cold.. said...

Mercy...

An exchange like that between myself and Jennifer and I would've been sleeping with the monkey's that night. Tony Soprano style.

dc

11:20 PM, March 14, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

You know Bucky, I go the zoo every summer and I don't recall ever seeing you there.

And your husband, well shame on him for saying such awf... wait, ok wait,

Um, you can put your legs behind your ears?

Um really?

Ok then. Hey baby how you doing?

2:58 AM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Madame D said...

Classic. What a charmer you got there!
Last time we went to the zoo, there were about 8 groups of young kids there, some sort of day trip obviously, and at least two of them were in the monkey house with us.
I saw a male stalking a female, knew what he was going to do, and said "Okay, honey, let's go." We walked about 2 steps, and heard about 40 small children say in chorus
"Ewwwww!"
Though, as soon as we were past, I said "I totally should have gotten a picture of that. You know, for the Christmas card."

4:23 AM, March 15, 2005  
Anonymous Danielle said...

You had me laughing at the penguin part, who knew the story was about to get better?

Hilarious.

7:32 AM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Niffer - A monkey for the monkey?

Mr. B - you let me know how that bread turns out.

Dang - Do you think I'm goin' too easy on the old man? Should I put monkey boy in the doghouse for a night or two?

Jessica - I just tried it at my desk, and at least in my work clothes, the ankles don't quite clear the ears anymore. Think I'll shut the door next time I try that, though. Much less explaining to do afterward.

Madame D - You should be in the greeting card industry. We need more Christmas card ideas like yours.

Danielle - I love me some waddlin' penguins. Especially when they have waddlin' penguin ass-slammin' sex!

8:49 AM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Spurious Plum said...

Zoo's rock! There are 2 river otters at the Pittsburgh zoo that I'm going to kidnap one day, and take home as pets. They look like mini sea lions, so you know they're leathally cute.

Is the name of the place where they keep the penguins really called 'the Penguinarium'? Cause if it is, holy crap that's funny.

9:02 AM, March 15, 2005  
Anonymous Dazed & Confuzed said...

THAT was hysterical. OMG.

9:29 AM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

I used to love going to the zoo. I'll never look at the monkeys the same way again.

10:43 AM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Plum, if you get the otters, we want pictures, lots of pictures.
And I just went to detroitzoo.org and checked, and it is indeed called the Penguinarium.

11:02 AM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

In honor of this post I just went and shaved.

*hug*

2:45 PM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Greenthumb said...

My brother and his wife love to invite the gay uncles to go to the zoo every summer with the niece and nephew. The niece loves uncle greenie and he loves that fact a lot. She prefers to see everything together and while walking thru the bat house we stop to look at all the different bats.

She says, 'look uncle greenie...that bat is walking upside down' as it ambles across the mesh toward another bat. I offer to let her try and she squeels and declines. Meanwhile, the tricky bat has joined his friend and right when sweet innocent niece is watching, out slides mr. pinky and into the waiting bats monkey. 'Uncle greenie...what are they doing?' and quickly with out missing a beat..they're wrestling, let's go see the giraffes.'

3:46 PM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Kristine: If I weren't reformed, and didn't say "monkey=vagina" anymore, I might be tempted to ask if your monkey is irritated now. But that would be wrong.

Greenie: Good save there! I'm disheartened by your story, though. As much time as I spend starin' at the bats when I go to the zoo, you'd think they could give me a bat-bumpin' show, too. I feel slighted!

5:19 PM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Mrs.Strizzay said...

have you seen the spiderman blogger templates?

http://spiderman.sonypictures.com/bugle/weblogs/downloads.php

5:27 PM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger Ern said...

Animal Sex!
Animal Sex!

That is so funny! I literally laughed out loud, loud enough to wake up my sleeping dog and cat!

I've only ever seen the boy monkey parts (along with some serious jerking of it), never a monkey monkey! But isn't that the whole reason to go to the zoo? To see animal sex and watch parents try to explain it?

And by the way, penguins don't have penises. They both have slots.

6:27 PM, March 15, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Okay, Bucky. These are the parts that almost got me in trouble (I'm at work, where laughing while sitting at your desk is generally frowned upon.):

"there's nothing like a trip to the zoo to get me jumping up and down and clapping like a rabid child"

"waddle around on the rocks like little nuns who had to get up mid-crap to fetch more toilet paper"
[The imagery there is just. too. much.]

"I am not a zoologist, and I may not even be continent"
[I'm not actually sure what one has to do with the other, but it made me giggle, anyway.]

And then, of course, Jim's comment. GUFFAW!

At least he didn't use the Gargoyle puppet to make that comment. That probably would've gotten you both escorted to the nuthouse.

2:02 PM, March 17, 2005  

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