That ain't the monkey's paw

Sometimes in the summer, Jim and I will take a Friday off from work and go to the Detroit Zoo. I may be teetering dangerously on 40 years old, but there's nothing like a trip to the zoo to get me jumping up and down and clapping like a rabid child (well, there are other things, but I promised Jim I wouldn't write about our mating rituals here).

The last time we went, which was probably three or four years ago, it was such a hot day that we spent a disproportionate amount of time in the Penguinarium, which is cavelike and kept very cool. The top of the penguins' area is rocky and sparse, and the bottom half is water. We watched the penguins swim and porpoise, and waddle around on the rocks like little nuns who had to get up mid-crap to fetch more toilet paper.

A mother brought her two young sons in, and the boys were fascinated by the tuxedo birds. When they had the kids' full attention (and you can't tell me they didn't plan it), a large male penguin walked up behind a female that he apparently found enticing, pushed her face-first against a rock, and proceeded to vigorously insinuate his naughty penguin bits into her corresponding penguin bit slot. The little boys were riveted, gripping the rail, staring with total fascination as they both began to pepper their mother with uncomfortable questions about the penguin porno floor show unfolding at a frantic pace before their unjaded eyes. A horrified mom gave us a quick glance of utter helplessness, then quickly and wordlessly swept her arm around both her sons and exited with all due haste.

The little cave echoed with our laughter, and Jim and I didn't think we'd see anything else that would top that. And then came the monkeys.

Monkeys, apes, chimps, baboons, they're all monkeys to me. I am not a zoologist, and I may not even be continent, so allow me my sloppy species identification. In any case, we found ourselves in front of the chimpanzee exhibit, where some chimps napped and a few pranced and cavorted for our amusement. We were standing in the middle of a decent-sized group of strangers when one of the female chimps flopped down on her back, and flung her legs as wide open as they would go. We were lookin' right into the heart of her monkey allure. A few people politely supressed giggles.

Not my husband. He laughed heartily, and then said, loud enough to be heard in the fucking butterfly house, "Hey! She looks just like YOU, honey!"

As I stood there, feeling as helpless as the mother in the penguin house, a few people walked away quickly with their shoulders shaking. A few more people just looked at us and then started giggling. There was nothing I could say or do to lessen the tingle of unwanted attention, so I just stood completely still and prayed for the monkey people to disperse and stop staring at me like...well, like the chimp with her ankles behind her ears.

The whole thing just makes me paranoid about my shaving habits.