the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Let's call it "oil"

Poor Jim. He's been havin' trouble for a couple of weeks now with hip, back, and leg pain. I try to be gentle with him, people, but sometimes I just don't know my own strength.

We took a trip to Walgreen's tonight to see if we could find him something that would help until he can get to the chiropractor. They had a whole display table crammed full with votive candles bearing the striking and handsome likeness of The Recently Dead Pope John Paul II, and they were only $1.00! Folks, you're not gonna find a cheaper miracle anywhere west of Vatican City. Jim wasn't goin' for it, though, so I figured I wouldn't even waste my breath touting the healing virtues of the Wish Real Hard Home Colonic Kit. You do have to believe in order for it to work.

When all was said and done, I had a basket full of Gatorade, vitamins, rhyming snacks like Fritos and Doritos, extra-strength pain relief, a heating pad...and some blue shit made with emu jizz. Well, the package says Blue Emu is made with "emu oil" but I'm pretty sure that's a euphemism for Big Bird Spunk. The package also says "odorless."

Sure.

Jim was nice enough to let me off the hook when it came to applying the emu jizz to his leg. Call it "odorless" all you want, but that was some heavy-duty menthol rollin' off the jizz jar. So he got his leg coated in emu jizz (yes, I do take a childish delight in repeating that), then asked for my assistance in wrappin' him with an ace bandage.

So I got his leg wrapped up snug as a sore leg in a bandage, and headed back to my Doritos and Gatorade.

And realized about three bites later that I had emu fuckin' jizz on my hand, and had tranferred a fair amount of it to my lower lip. My lip had a jizz spot, a mentholy jizz spot, and it was not the most pleasant sensation.

It's been an hour, and I can still feel it a little and smell it a lot. If my lips fall off, you must all go forth and bear witness to the evil that is emu jizz.

I'll let you know tomorrow if it made Jim feel any better.

24 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Torrie said...

Now if you guys really want to have some fun, you can take that emu jizz and rub it on.....

10:45 PM, June 07, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Damn, that's nasty.

10:53 PM, June 07, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Some emus swallow; some don't.

11:55 PM, June 07, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:01 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Emu Jizz: A li'l dab'll dew ya ...

12:01 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Now I can't get the visual of the "technicians" going about the business of "obtaining" aforementioned blue emu mentholated jizz from the sizeable birds.

PS: Wash yer hands before you touch your bits and pieces!!

12:12 AM, June 08, 2005  
Anonymous dazed and confuzed said...

Were you trying your own version of the 'Soggy Cracker' fraternity hazing thing? Dang, Bucky, you're hard core! Hats off to ya, gal!

12:13 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Eeeww! Nothing like having your Doritos tainted with menthol jizz. I hope it's gone this morning.

8:38 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

just when i think i've heard everything, dazed and confused manages to alarm me greatly.

I'm used to you now, BFE... :)

9:33 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Bucky, if you're lookin' for an oral replacement for the smokes...
KEEP LOOKIN'.

9:59 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

It's all fun and games until someone grabs the Emu Jizz in the dark instead of the KY. Talk about a genital hot-potato!!!

10:52 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Madame D said...

AHAHAHAHA!!!
That's all I've got.
I, too, have faced the agony of mentholated goo where it's not supposed to be.
Though, mine wasn't emu jizz (hee, childish delight here too!).

11:35 AM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Copper Kist said...

Wow, just stumbled upon your blog, but had to stop and thank you for the first laugh-out-loud moment I've had in a while. My parents have been major purchasers of "Blue Stuff" for years, but your description beats all. From now on, when they talk about using it, I'll never be able to keep a straight face again.

12:16 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Just in case anyone thinks Bucky is kidding http://blue-emu.com/

1:20 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Candace said...

There's a topical Viagra-like substance for women in the testing phase right now...it's major ingredient is menthol.

No joke.

I dare you to put the emu jizz on your privates and see what happens.

:-)

1:30 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Spurious Plum said...

Use a sock to wipe it off next time. I think that's part of the process...

1:41 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Wow! Reminds me of that Ben-Gay sexual experiment gone awry waaay back in my past...
hey- it was good for the first few minutes!

2:28 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Ok I use that stuff, for my bad wrist and hips, and it not only smells it stings. But, it works better then anything I have found for my wrist. That being said, even though its emu oil, I always thought it looked more like ground up liquid smurfs.

Little Poppa Smurf paste on the oil joints.

I wonder how much it pays to be an Emu pud puller?

3:33 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

Bucky, Bucky, Bucky... an experienced girl like you? I would have guessed you'd have learned by now that a prudent girl WASHES UP after playing with jizz and before she pops the Doritos into her jizz guzzler.

My dad has that emu shit. I told him that one of these days, emus are going to be endangered and that shit's gonna be worth a fortune. Dad claims it doesn't work and it's all a load of bull honkey.

Anyone who is as familiar with the Wiggles as I am now has that song stuck in their head, "Moooove like an emu moves!"

3:39 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

Blue-Emu is made of Emu oil.

When I asked jeeves "what is emu oil used for?" Jeeves promptly replied with the following... my commentary italicized

Emu Oil can be used for the "whole person" (it's not just for nipples any more!). Its basis and benefits are derived from Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs) (like those puckers on my ass). EFA's are involved with producing life energy (horniness) in our bodies from food substances (and they claim there's no nutritional value in semen), and moving that energy throughout our systems (resistance is futile). They govern growth (hardons), vitality (urrrgt, urrgt, grunt, oface), and mental state (ahhh). They hook up oxygen (pant, pant), electron transport (swim little tadpole, Bucky needs pregger bags), and energy in the process of oxidation (ya know, what causes the dehydration crusties in the corner of your mouth).

4:01 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Epiphany said...

So after about 45-50 seconds of laughing out loud, I finally had to read your post to my co-worker. Problem was, I couldn't get to the good stuff without laughing.

This is me: "...and some blue shit made waahahahaaaaa....some blue shiiieheheeeeheeeaaaahahaa...some blaaaahahahaaaa..."

and now my face is all wet with giggle tears.

For that belly laugh, I thank ye.

5:12 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Somehow, I knew you folks here would respond well to emu jizz. Call it a hunch. Woman's intuition. An easy call.

Wow...soggy cracker, emu jizz, it's a tough call. I think the emu jizz stings longer.


Menthol anything no no no no no no no not near the naughty bits, not nohow, not for nothin'.

You don't get paid to pull the emu pud -- you pay money, get a license, and hope your number comes up in the jizz lottery. It's my dream, I can tell ya that.

Jizz guzzler...I resent that. I prefer to sip and savor.

Pregger bags...I'm glad my endeavor hasn't been forgotten.

I see new "faces" here! Welcome to the never-ending fart joke that is the Cotillion. You may swallow, but it is not mandatory.

5:24 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

... although swallowing OUGHT to be mandatory.

6:56 PM, June 08, 2005  
Blogger mrtl said...

stop now

This weak bladder shit at this site is really getting old. No, I didn't pee myself THIS time, but I've resurrected the ol' teacher bladder to get me through. I think what makes reading all the more delightful is hearing your voice reading to me.

11:45 PM, June 08, 2005  

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