the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Dear Cotillion forum...

Mrtl's Motif Monday this week was about Your First Kiss. I lamented elsewhere that my first kiss wasn't memorable enough to warrant prose or poetry, and Susie suggested that perhaps I should instead write about the last kiss I had. This devolved into an email discussion wherein she suggested that I start a post in the format of the venerable Penthouse Forum, and let you, the sick fuckers who read this stuff every day, help me to finish the story.

What? I can have you guys do my work for me? And you'll totally giggle and keep coming back?

I like it.

So, here's how it's gonna be: I start the story. You guys comment to tell me what else you think happened. It need not be linear, in case you're posting on top of each other (kin-kay!), so let the imagination go and the juices flow. Polish the candlestick and wax that monkey, we're goin' deep now...


Throbbing Train and the Crystal Cave

My heart had pounded in my chest like a drunk pounds with both fists on the locked doors of the beer cooler at 4 a.m. in Michigan, beat hard and fast inside my heaving bosom as I once again read the letter from Fernando:

My dearest Rosetta,

Take these train tickets, and run to me, as fast as your size 9 feet in strappy pumps will take you down the aisles of the train. If you stand closer to the front of the train, you will be here sooner, before the fire in my loins turns to embers and then to smokey grey soot.

Get over here, bitch.

With deepest respect and a boner that will put your eye out,

Fernando

Well, what girl wouldn't be thrilled to receive a missive like that? Also in the envelope was a train ticket, and a pair of stained boxers that had been folded 16 times; Fernando knew that made me weak in the knees.

He was to be my first, Fernando. Well, except for Roberto and Julio, then there was Rodolfo, and that little - and I do mean "little" - incident with Renaldo. But with Fernando, it was real.

Wait! This sounds more like a bodice-exploding romance novel than Penthouse Forum, doesn't it? Time to turn it up a notch.

My fire-engine red push-up bra was a sharp breath from spillin' the precious cargo as I boarded the train in a wafer-thin peignoir and black fuck-me pumps. I got the lay of the land...no, I was the lay of the land.

No, no, that's too hard-boiled detective novel. One more chance to channel Guccione's contributors:

The only seat that was left empty on the train just happened to be in a car filled with gymnasts and acrobats, all dressed in royal blue spandex, their shimmering nutsacks and cameltoes making the train take on a festive air. I felt an involuntary jolt as the little man in the canoe began weeping and wailing for an oar.

And...and...

Ahahahahaha, god, I can't do it! There's a reason I never wrote erotica for a living, because I laugh too much to finish it right. I didn't hold up my side of the assignment very well, did I?

Still...please leave me your comments in the format of Penthouse Forum letters*...better than mine, please. I mean, how hard can that be?



* and don't tell me you've never read Penthouse Forum unless you want me to think you're a liar, a pussy, or someone in need of corruption, stat!

71 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

While reading this post I suddenly noticed a strange feeling come over me, like butterflies in my stomach and I just knew, a train full of gymnists had always been my secret fantasy, how did you know?

I must away to a train station instantly and I can only hope that my short skirt and crotchless and assless panties can attract the same kind of crowd you do, so that we can make sweet sweet pretzel love on a drink cart, bent over the back of someone seat while the train rushes through tunnels creating the ultimate metaphor.

8:14 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Penthouse Forum? I thought those magazines just had funny comics. That's the only reason to look at one that I could ever figure out.

8:29 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Jess - somehow, I knew you would find a use for the gymnasts.

Squirl - okay, which is it: liar, pussy, or somebody who needs dirty magazine clippings, stat?

8:34 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Squirl, aww honey, I know how hard it must of been for you to read this post, what with your "problem". But it looks like those Pornography addiction classes are really helping! You stayed strong in the face of smut! I can only hope that right now you are not cruising the net looking for "spandex camel toe", you have come to far to slide back into the pits of filth. Good for you!

8:35 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Wait, wait, I just need clippings. I never kidnapped a Mormon in my life. I swear.....

8:40 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Wait, what, you need a clipping?

I think you need to tell that to Ich...

8:43 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

oh well now your just being filthy, tsk tsk tsk

8:46 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, no, now I've been so filthy I chased Jess out of the room.

*barely suppresses screams of laughter*

8:47 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I just, I can't take this anymore....


*runs away with head in hands*

8:47 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Whose head, Squirl?

8:48 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

I'm tellin' Mom.

8:50 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Yes, and we all know how effective Mom's discipline has always been with me...

8:50 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I didnt know you girls were so kinky, I like this family.

8:50 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Durn it, girl!

8:52 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Oh, not THAT kind of discipline. The only one in the family who ever spanked me was Squirl, and...

Well, that's not gonna make it sound any better, is it?

Shutting up now.

8:53 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

You're now telling the internet about my spanking you? Is nothing sacred?

8:56 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

bow wow chikka wow wow

Hey ladies, I am here with your pizza, now who is going to pay me?

What do you mean you dont have any cash?

Let's work this out, you seem like nice girls...

8:59 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, you better do the negotiating here. You're the wheeler-dealer.

9:01 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Squirl - finally, a question I can answer: no, nothing is sacred.

Jess - now, I was sure I ordered double sausage...

9:01 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Did you all see that? My sister just threw me to the pizza delivery stripper!

You begin to understand my issues now?

9:03 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Ok I have to go to the hardware store now.

Hehehehee, HARDware store.


Shall I bring you ladies back anything? Say in the range of 20 years old and firm?

9:04 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

My sister traded me for a pizza.

9:04 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

ohdearlord, I can't leave you alone for a MINUTE!

9:04 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

HARDware store?
I'll take half a dozen, um, spare tools.

I'm just askin', you know, for a friend.

9:05 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, you have issues?

9:05 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Susie! Where's your forum post?

9:06 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Ahem...

I carefully checked my little traincase, the one which has been responsible for so many brainy ideas, to see if I had everything I'd need: fur mitt, honey dust, bubble wrap . . .

9:07 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

HARDware store? Twenty-something did you say?

9:07 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Squirl - yeah, issues of Penthouse!

9:07 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Bubble wrap, Susie?

You may sit in the gymnast's car.

9:08 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I will bring enough extra tools to get the job done back for everyone!

Play nice girls, and if you cant, get out the pudding, it will make for a good letter....

9:08 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Susie, you had Bucky at bubble wrap.

9:09 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

You had me at the brainy ideas.

9:09 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

::tangent: do y'all remember that Margibelle Morgan, or something like that, who wrote that book MANY years ago about how a woman should meet her man at the door wearing only Saran Wrap? My 21st century version of that is bubble wrap. Who can keep their hands off it? ::end tangent

9:11 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

Susie, at fetish clubs there are often people who wear bubble wrap as their clothing, and they ask people to pop them, its fun fun fun.

9:12 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

oh, yea, well um, sure that's where I got the idea . . . last time I was at one of them there fetish clubs :0

9:13 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

So...the bubble wrap is form AND function.

That's HAWT!

9:13 PM, November 15, 2005  
Anonymous Martha said...

Remember, shimmering nutsacks and cameltoes make any locomotive take on a festive air.

9:21 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Martha, you always know how to make a locomotive festive.

9:24 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Don't forget the nutsack potpourri!

9:39 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

No one said a thing about nylon ropes.
What's up with that?
Seriously:
Lovers and gymnists may come and go, but only a true gentleman will let you tie him down on the bed and have your way with him...
But, then again, I'm very old-fashioned.

10:18 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

M_D - well, now, you're just gettin' all sentimental on us.

Um, is it okay if I just assume the gentleman in question is exceptionally buff with ruggedly handsome, chiseled features?

I'm just askin', you know, for a friend.

10:36 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Um, hello, Bucky Ma'am? I'm apparently in need of corruption...

10:43 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

What kind of frigging Penthouse Forum entry is this? What, no "I'm a student at a college in the mid-west ..."? No, "I never believed what I read in these letters until today, when ..."? No amputees?

Christ on a cracker. You are pathetic.

You do, however, score bonus points for bringing your sister into this, and for provoking Jess into a shopping excursion for a Black and Decker vibrator.

I hear she freedoms like a mink.

And Susie? Oh, Susie, hang your head in shame.

10:43 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

CKelli - oh, you certainly came to the right place. Nilbo's comment following yours will give you a good indication of the tone of the content of Penthouse Forum, which is a place for people to write in their "true life" sexual adventures. Take what Nilbo said, throw in stewardesses, nurses, etc, and you have a pretty fair idea of what you might see at any time.

Um, not that I ever looked. I've just, uh, heard.

Nilbo - I knew you'd bring the amputees sooner or later. I can always count on you.
Let freedom ring.

10:51 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Absolutely!
Chisled like a statue.
Hung like a horse.
:o)

10:53 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Whuh? What'd I do?

11:07 PM, November 15, 2005  
Anonymous POKEY said...

Hey, Mo Dis. How YOU doin'? You asked for THIS?

POKEY

11:08 PM, November 15, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

What'd you do, Susie? Just look at what you started, young lady. You KNOW Bucky can't resist the carrot you dangled in front of her (any more than she can resist making some sort of smirking reference to "carrot dangling").

So shame on you. And thank you. But shame on you.

12:36 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you?! Dammit! Playboy = Sure. But Penthouse? Honest, I have never even peeped at one. And now I question the very integrity of my "liberal" arts education. Maybe it wasn't as "liberal" as I was led to believe?

1:37 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

What's the penthouse forum? I need corruption, stat!

Once I found a penthouse hidden in my dad's side of the closet... but when I noticed the pages were sticking together I got totally weirded out and put it away with the salad tongs.

You are really a phenomenal writer, bucky. I'd say you could easily get your work published with Harlequin novels... all you need is a photo of a Fabio-type model thrusting his dong into the ruffled folds of some burlesque young virgin's petticoats.

1:49 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

And I may be late to the party, but I did bring the soundtrack...it is 5 minutes long - download and listen

Track01

6:36 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Is it too late to add my "tub of butter and two Dobermans" part of the story?

What about a room full of balloons and a slab of sammiches?

6:50 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Ooooh, balloons! They're bigger and more colorful than bubblewrap!

Spoonie, THAT is some hot writing right there: thrusting his dong into the ruffled folds of some burlesque young virgin's petticoats.

I can't believe people don't know what Forum is. I KNOW, for goodness' sake! Well, you have to pick one up. I think (correct me if I'm wrong, Nilbo) that maybe it is or was a feature in the pic mag, but then it also became a little mag of its own, with people's true-life (bullshit) stories in it. It is really full of mostly sophomoric, rather poorly written fantasies. Ones that I have seen, in marriage counseling, no less, are those which purport to be written by women, giving men all manner of ideas that ain't NEVER gonna happen, but which they show to their wives saying, "SEE, a woman WROTE this, some women would LOVE to do what I'm asking you to do." At which time I must use the therapeutic technique of kicking the man's ass and saying, "You stupid fuck! There's no way in hell a woman wrote that! Someone just like YOU wrote that, right before his wife kicked him to the curb!"

That is all :)

7:19 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

M_D - then count me in. ;)

Susie - always playin' innocent, huh?

Pokey - Put THAT away before we all get kicked off the train!

Nilbo - Dangling carrot, huh? Well, I suppose you can tell from my coke-bottle glasses that all that crap about carrots bein' good for eyesight is bullshit.
Or have I just canceled it out with all the blinding self abuse?

Eclectic - do I have to send you dirty magazine clippings, too? The things I have to teach you guys...

Spoonie - salad tongs are always a good idea when handling one's father's pornography.
And don't tease me about Harlequin romances - it's been my secret, lifelong dream. Queen of the Bodice Rippers.

Opera gal - I felt the need to smoke after I heard that. You always bring the best soundtrack to the party.

Mr. B - butter and Dobes. OK, I need to be alone now...

Susie - I believe Forum continues to be a column in the regular Penthouse mag, as well as being its own spinoff. Some of the stories are good enough (by which I mean hilarious enough) to read aloud in a roomful of drinking friends. One that stands out in my mind is the hunter who met the frighteningly ugly woman in the woods and realized that sex is way better with a hideously deformed but neglected chick.

Aaaah, the things we read in our formative years...

8:50 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

susie, i think i love you. will you be my marriage counselor one day, provided i am retarded and/or desperate enough to ever really get married?

8:55 AM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

So...is it that you're all stingy with the smut, or do you really not have any sextastical tales to tell here?

For chrissake, people, MAKE SOMETHING UP. That's how the real Forum works...

1:45 PM, November 16, 2005  
Anonymous torrie said...

There's never a bad time to use the term "camel toe".

1:57 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

In college a girl who was in my English class was so proud of the fact that she was featured in the College edition of Playboy so they were being handed out for free--one to each residence house. That was my very first look at a naughty magazine....but then my roomies got onto a bit of a kick with those mags and got us a Playgirl mag for the house (6 girls)--they cut out a pic of the back of a naked guy--and posted it on my door--I was mortified, but didn't take it down too soon...cute a$$! (oh my goodness--did I just admit that here--at Bucky's place--yeesh!)

2:04 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

Rosetta, eh?

2:55 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger spoonleg said...

we used to tape semi-nude mag cutouts of ricky martin on our dorm room door in college. Also? We had a poster of THE MEN OF LABARE. We would create elaborate tales about what gratifying lovers they were and how swollen and veiny their cocks were. We had a
featured man of the week, and would type up our story of that man and tape it to the door, with an arrow to his picture on the poster. This is how I spent my undergrad years, instead of studying or getting laid.

There. I've admitted it. And I just used veiny and cocks in the same sentence, to boot.

3:06 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Torrie - yeah, I like to whip out the camel toe when it feels like the party is laggin'...

Effie - it's okay, you're among friends here. Extremely perverted friends.
You, um, got any of those pictures left over?

Annejelynn - well, it's my porn pseudonym. Rosetta Stone.

Spoonie - and you said swollen, too! Swollen, veiny, and cocks. You have a way with words. 'Specially the dirty ones.

3:17 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

Hold on a moment while I pop off these fake nails...There is no way I can write the comment I want if I have to keep backspacing.

Watch out Fernando...you are in for the ride of your life!!

5:07 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Kristine = Rosetta thanks you for the hearty endorsement!

6:21 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Does this mean I'm NOT getting any clippings from your dirty magazines?

6:52 PM, November 16, 2005  
Anonymous Jif Fairchild said...

"sex is way better with a hideously deformed but neglected chick"

This has always been my motto, through 22 blissful years of marriage!

8:27 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Damn, I've been gone so long I'm feeling shy, but I can't bear to see how y'all have left ol' Buckster drippin without a handiwipe, feel like I gotta come up with something, even if I've never heard of Penthouse Forum. Ummm...

Waiting for Rosetta only made Fernanado harder. He thought of her long flowing locks, and how he loved to have her twist them around his cock until he turned blue and begged for mercy. As he thought of the blue his cocked turned with this ecstasy, he realized it was the same blue as the spandex he saw swarming around him.

That little guy, a midget, wasn't he? Why was that little guy looking at him like that? Did he notice the bulge in his pants? He, well, oh my god! for a little guy he certainly filled out that spandex. In fact, oh! he was stroking himself, wasn't he? And looking at Fernando with a challenging grin.

Fernando felt the heat rush to his face and his cock simultaneously.

OKAY, DAMMIT! SOMEONE ELSE'S TURN!

8:29 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Eclectic - Try here.

Jif - it's so nice to finally meet you, moments before your wife bludgeons you to death for writing that...

Emily - well, there you go. That's what I'm talkin' about! We just needed a desert mermaid to get the smut flowin' again.

10:23 PM, November 16, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Heh heh heh. I must confess, I impersonated Jif. But then I had him read it, and he L'edOL, if you know'm sayin'. heh heh heh

11:19 PM, November 16, 2005  
Anonymous minxlj said...

I'm s'posed to be at work, yet I'm reading comments with 'salad tongs' and 'veiny cock' on the same page...hmmm....

8:44 AM, November 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say hello someplace. Found [url=http://www.google.com/ncr]you guys through google[/url]. Hope to contribute more soon!
-nekOwency

6:50 PM, March 22, 2010  

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