the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Like pees in a pod

These things are only supposed to happen to mothers, right?

There I was, standing in the produce section of Meijer, yellows and reds and a hundred shades of green spread out around me. Visually and olfactorily pleasing, to be sure, but nothing overly exciting or stimulating about the surroundings (unless you count the ginger root, which strikes me as vaguely sexual, and I always have to resist the urge to bring one home for a little "me time").

Suddenly and without the customary warning, a sneeze erupted from deeper than a sneeze has a right to be born, a full-body sneeze, if you will. Now, I was able to get my hand in front of my face quickly enough to contain any potential collateral damage to the people and products in my snot radius. I was fully expecting a nasal explosion, but what I was not at all counting on was...

squirt

And before you get happy for me, let me give you a big dose of TMI and inform you that I am not a squirter, so this was no spontaneous kumquat-induced mid-store orgasm. If that were true, I would most certainly not be writing this post, but would instead be spending roughly 20 hours of each day lingering by the avocados.

No, in true Katy fashion, it was the much more humiliating possibility for non-nasal moisture. I peed myself, slightly but surely, in Meijer.

Pretty fucking sexy, huh? Just wait 'til you see me strip down to my support hose and thong-fit Depends.

11 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

All it means is that you’re maturing, Katy.

When I lived in Germany, where for some reason many of the folks seemed obsessed with bodily functions that most of us Americans pretend don’t exit, I sometimes talked with elderly German couple—they seemed ancient to me then, but were probably not much older than I am now—who lived in the village where I had an apartment.

As I remember it, the woman told me that the older we become the more the following may be true:

Giggles and sneezes can induce involuntary pissing.

Coughing and being afraid can induce involuntary shitting.

I marvel that, in our society, we must learn these truths from experience.

Happy squirting.

2:42 AM, November 04, 2007  
Anonymous Susie said...

Why are you making fun of my outfit?

7:48 AM, November 04, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

Giggles and sneezes can, indeed, cause involuntary pants peeing. Not pretty, not fun, but true.

Susie, can we get a picture of that?

8:48 AM, November 04, 2007  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

I recently began a renewed round of semi-panicked Kegels after reading way too many stories of such occurrences, and other horrors such as prolapsed..goodness, I can't even say it...in older women. Great for whiling away boring meetings, by the way.

12:49 PM, November 04, 2007  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

Depends comes in thong fit? Umm. Good to know.

3:57 PM, November 04, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

Well, Katy, any more brainy ideas?

4:32 PM, November 04, 2007  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Sorry you didn't have my mushroom bin experience -- I assume that's what you were referring to? If not, ya mean there are others out there spontaneously cumming among the produce?

No better Kegel exercises than orgasm. Get to work!

3:01 AM, November 05, 2007  
Anonymous Jim said...

(Bucky, on phone to Squirl-Bob) - "I just sneezed the piss right outta myself".

(Squirl-Bob) - "Notice how I'm not surprised"

3:17 PM, November 05, 2007  
Blogger eclectic said...

Eeeeep! Or in this case, Peeeeeeee!

4:31 PM, November 05, 2007  
Blogger Nilbo said...

See? That's why I love you. Utter, naked, honesty :)

8:32 PM, November 06, 2007  
Anonymous Maven said...

Like a pressure valve! ACK!

5:29 PM, November 19, 2007  

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