the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Flashed on my wedding night

Did I ever tell you what Jim did to me on our honeymoon?

(That oughta clear the room...)

No, not that. Well, not that I'll discuss here, anyway.

Back when we got married, things weren't all newfangled and digitimatized like they are nowadays. This was, after all, the '80s. What we lacked in technology, we made up for in voluminous hair. Consequently, when we set off for Detroit on our wedding night (What? There was a Lou Reed concert at the Fox), the only flashpower we were packin' was a little 110 camera.

After we zipped down to our deluxe suite at the Dearborn Red Roof Inn, we found ourselves with several hours on our hands before the concert. Hmmmm...what could two newly married people find to do with a little spare time in a room with passably clean sheets? A little hip-hopscotch, maybe? Mattress meringue merengue? Oh, quit your whinin' and gaggin' out there. At least I didn't say rectal rhumba.

So, after we did things y'all'd rather not hear about, I was wanderin' the room in my unselfconscious, 23-year-old still-hardbelly nakedidity. The sink and mirror were just around the corner from the bedroom, and not in a separate room, and as I bent over to turn on the sink, because everything is built too short for me... POOF! the camera flash went off behind me.

I whipped around to behold my new husband, the complete fuckin' prick, holdin' the 110 and grinnin' like a smug, self-satisfied dickhole.

"Did you just take a picture of my bare ass?"

Grin, grin, not talkin', not lettin' me have the camera, either. He snapped a few more random room pictures, and then pocketed the camera. In the meantime, I was havin' a slight fit about how that roll was almost full, and now we couldn't have it developed, all that suddenly modest bullshit. If only I'd realized what good shape I was in then, I'd have been proud to take 'em in for developing!

So, Jim managed to take the film out and mix it in with several other rolls we had ready to develop. I had no bloody idea which one had my ass mugshot on it.

I took the rolls in one at a time, over a long period of time, always holding my breath when I came in to pick up my pictures that this wouldn't be the time I got the looks from the photo clerks. All the while, Jim teased me without mercy about how he was gonna put the picture on milk cartons with the caption "Have you seen this ass?" (though I did point out to him that he would feel very foolish indeed when everyone called and said, "Oh, yeah, I've seen that ass alright, heh heh heh!")

This went on for nearly a year, and still no ass picture. It was like Russian roulette with my ass spinnin' in the chamber. And then there was one.

This had to be it. The motel pictures hadn't been on any of the other rolls we'd taken in. So, if I just didn't take it in, I was safe. I let it sit for a long time. And then one day, I couldn't stand it anymore. I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy.

I took the roll in and dropped it off, avoiding all eye contact with the clerk. The next day, I came to claim my packet of shame, steeling myself for the inevitable clerk smirks, or maybe even downright rebukes for daring to bring pornographic photos to a family drugstore. Said my name, let the pixie behind the counter thumb through the envelopes, braced myself for her reaction...and there was none, beyond the standard pleasantries and gathering of cash for said photos.

Once in the car, I ripped open the envelope and began flipping through the pictures. Nope, nope, nope, nope...motel picture. My heart beat a little faster. This was the one! Jim posin' in the room, me posin' in the room, the suitcase. Where was my ass?

Then I found it. A picture, in the motel room, where the camera was pointed toward the ceiling, and captured nothin' but plaster. Not my ass. Just plaster. Jim had been stringin' me along for a whole year with this, and I'd played into his hands smoother than a custom accordian.

Say it with me now: Suckahhhhhhhh!

25 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Torrie said...

Rectal Rhumba?

It is so unfair that you don't have your own TV show. I would totally watch that shit.

11:08 PM, June 30, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Jim got you good.

You're leavin' town, tomorrow, right? I hope you have a spectacular trip. I think you'll like the Badlands, and love other parts of South Dakota. Go to Wall Drug, there will be other people there wearing assless chaps. I do envy you; we love to go west.

11:27 PM, June 30, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

Torrie is right, and it has to be a reality show!
Otherwise it would be I Love Lucy on Crack... oh wait, isn't that Will and Grace?

12:27 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Holy hell, that was funny, Bucky.

And this line is so poetic:

I came to claim my packet of shame

12:34 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Candy said...

Ok I read through that whole thing waiting to hear about how great your firm little young hiney looked only to be DENIED.

I am so sad.

Good thing I have these whale sized hoots to console me.

If you want, I will totally take a picture of your butt tomorrow. Promise.

12:55 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Bente said...

I can't believe he was able to keep it up so long! Very funny story.

1:12 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger greatwhitebear said...

Okay, who's gonna explain to Bente that "keeping it up" means something completely different here than it apparently does down under?

2:01 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Random and Odd said...

Oh dear god. Bucky..if I haven't said it a million times already...I LOVE YOU!

and Jim is startin' to grow on me too ;)

You can come hang with me ANYTIME!!

4:45 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Torrie - maybe you could petition the major networks? Though I think HBO would be a better fit. Right next to the fuckin' Sopranos and those cocksuckers in Deadwood.

DP - and yet I stayed married to him.

Susie - I anxiously await my opportunity to gather with "my people" and be assless together.
But...I ponder. Is it assless chaps...or chapless ass?

Sierrabella - at my house, it would be more like Leave it to Bucky. I've got the blue dress and spatula and everything.

LadyBug - my poet laureate breaks free sometimes when I'm not lookin'. But never when I try to play impromptu Dr. Seuss rhymes with anybody. :(

Jess - I'm sure your huge whale sized hoots will be a great comfort to you, my child. And if you wanna take pictures of my butt, I'll make sure to smile.

Bente - why ya think I married him? ;)

Bear - heh heh heh, see my comment to Bente.

Kristine - I'm afraid the Fonz would steal him from me! At gunpoint!

Yes, you guys, I am that obsessed that I would check my comments and email before I leave for my vacation this morning. I am a geek, right down to the pocket protector on my liver.
Catch up with y'all from the road!

6:29 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Are you SURE it wasn't your ass and you were just in need of a little tanning?? I mean, maybe the "shape" was a little less than...round?


Have a great trip you guys! Take more pictures of the kinky stuff now that you've mentioned it can be done Miss Digital.

6:46 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Jomama said...

Your husband is so cool. I couldn't have kept that to myself for a whole year. I also could never do that to my husband because he HATES (you see all that emphasis?) when I take pictures of him without his permission. I mean he gets really pissy about it. He would have torn the film out of the camera if I did that and when I told him the punchline, he would not be amused.

7:15 AM, July 01, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL he got u good.

8:00 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger said...

It is a real pleasure to read your blog. Sounds like you and hubby have a great time with life!

9:24 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Maven said...

All your posts about ass-less chaps... you mean there was NO pic of your chap-less ass? FOR SHAME!

He got you good:)

10:00 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Spurious Nurse said...

"It was like Russian roulette with my ass spinnin' in the chamber."

I should know better to read your blog when I'm eating breakfast. Now there's oatmeal in my nose. Thanks.

11:13 AM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Holdin' your ass over your head for a YEAR? That man's pure genious!!

12:04 PM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Brilliant story ... once again, you are worthy of all the adulation you receive ...

12:41 PM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

Bucky, I read all these comments earlier and didn't realize I hadn't commented yet. I know Jim well enough to know that he could keep that secret for a year.

1:38 PM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Unknown said...

stop making me laugh I am sick and it makes me cough.

The ladies at my local photo developing store know me and I still don't care that they see me in all my glory once in a while. It's when I do a fine art nude book for my photography class and it comes back with a note that says "From the faculty - much appreciated" that I start to get scared. I wear dark glasses and a BIG hat when I go back to that school.

oh and new page, linked to you.

2:14 PM, July 01, 2005  
Blogger Amy said...

What a bugger. And 23 is just young and dumb enough to be embarassssed about that sorta thing. Now you just pop a ghost on there and send it off for the whole internet to view.

Hope you are having a smashing time with JR. Actually, i don't hope. I know.

7:02 AM, July 02, 2005  
Blogger Kranki said...

A WHOLE year, huh? Heheheh. Now that is joke masstery.

1:00 PM, July 03, 2005  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Mr. B - I hope it was the ceiling. I can handle a pasty white ass, but not one covered in stucco.

Jomama - Too bad your husband wouldn't truly appreciate your comic genius in a matter like this. I had to tip my hat to Jim for gettin' me so good!

Kitty - no, he just does that by accident.

Danielle - yeah, but he still ended up married to me, so who's laughin' NOW?

Jeff's - thanks! We've vowed that we'll never grow up, and it's worked so far.

Nugget - if I'd realized how good my ass looked at that age, I'd have been runnin' around in chaps.

Plum - Sorry 'bout that! Nobody wants a snootful of Quaker.

Eclectic - a difficult pose to maintain, certainly.

Nilbo - feel free to adore, oh duke of the rolling pin.

Squirl - he is a worthy opponent.

Song - hope you're feelin' better! Thanks for the laugh and the link.

Amy - I did have a great time with Jess. You can read about the whole sordid spectacle over at her place, until I can get my lazy dialup ass to post about it.

Kranki - Jim IS the masster.

Spoonie - I wish I was as asstastic as I was at 23. My cheeks were so perky then...

10:06 PM, July 03, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

I love it - evil giggles erupting the entire time I read this one... Jim got you guhooood!

2:41 AM, July 05, 2005  
Blogger Ern said...

nakedidity is my new favorite word.

1:23 PM, July 05, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

You woulda been a bit em-bare-ass-ed, eh? My hubby actually took a photo of me in the bubble bath once and I thought I was completely covered with bubbles until I actually saw the photo--developed at the grocery store--boobs really do float I guess--there was a nipple floater!

2:44 PM, July 05, 2005  

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