the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Easily amused

The thirteen year age difference between Jim and me becomes less and less visually apparent as time passes. When I was in my early and mid-twenties, though, people would see Jim's prematurely grey hair and give us all manner of looks, from admiring to disapproving. It's always been fun. Also, neither of us has ever regularly worn a wedding ring of any sort, so people haven't always been able to size us up instantly.

I was probably about 24 when we stumbled upon my favorite game to play in public. We were up in Rogers City on vacation one summer day, and decided to go into Dairy Queen and have some ice cream in the air conditioning. We were the only customers in the place except for one man, an older gentleman who looked like a fairly conservative businessman. He was just a table over and back from us, makin' a lunch out of whatever deep-fried wonders were dished out in between the vats of ice cream.

I really don't know what possessed me, but I slid my hand over onto Jim's, and asked, just loud enough to be heard a table over, "Does your wife know you're here?"

Jim said the guy's hand stopped halfway to his mouth, his fork hovering in limbo, as he tuned right in to our sordid little conversation. So Jim responded as sweetly as possible, "Hell no, the bitch thinks I'm in Kalkaska!"

Our new friend was spellbound. I proceeded to gush about what a fun trip this was, and how Jim was so generous, and how my mom was all wrong about him. Then we giggled and trashed Jim's "wife" and how old she was lookin' these days, and what a complete and utter bitch she was.

"Well," Jim announced, "she's gettin' the bad news in six months, anyway."

Not a single bite was taken at the next table during the course of our awful dialogue. We sort of let it trail off, so the guy could finish eating, and Jim said he was shot several dirty looks before we left.

Personally, it warms my heart to think that this guy probably went home and talked about us at dinner. "You wouldn't believe this total bastard and his little slut girlfriend I saw in Dairy Queen today..."

We've done this a few times since, but like many things, the first time is the most magical.

But if you ever wanna stop forks in mid-air, just start a conversation with the line, "Does your wife know you're here?"

28 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger eclectic said...

OMG, Bucky! That's just so brash and horrible as to be completely hilarious! Imagine how much more effective that opening line would be if delivered by someone wearing assless chaps?!

8:22 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger JessicaRabbit said...

I think I love you.

8:25 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Hehe, you naughty two.

One of my favorites I use now and then, no matter who I am with... When I am with someone and they are asked for a driver's license or some photo ID I always lean in and get a good look at the card. Then I look my good buddy in the eye and say, "OH?! You're going to use that one this time?! Gosh, I thought the other one looked much more authentic." Then I smile.

Of course that’s not as much fun as holding hands with Bucky, but how would I know.

8:53 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Terrorists of good and decent ice-cream eatin' folk, you two are.

9:13 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

Oh yes, Bucky, you ARE a naughty girl.

Wanna be MY little slut girlfriend?

(Sorry. I know you hate it when I tarnish my nice-girl image, but I'm feeling a little frisky tonight.)

9:37 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger Romani Heart said...

I'll have to try that.. but I'll have to wait until I can find a place where I can rent a "Jim."

10:27 PM, June 28, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

I like how Jim didn't miss a beat and jumped right in.

10:42 PM, June 28, 2005  
Anonymous dazed and confuzed said...

Hey Bucky! Great idea. Next time I'm in Dairy Queen (aka "Milkman in Heels"), I'm going to ask the boyfriend (should I have one at the time) "Does your wife know you're here?"

12:07 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

That's great! I'll have to try that one with Squirl tomorrow. I imagine that will get at least a look or two in our super conservative cafe.

1:41 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Jomama said...

I love that! I will definitely have to try that soon. I've been wearing my ring on a chain anyway cause my fingers are too swollen.

That reminds me of the time my then fiance and I checked into a hotel and he had an engagement ring on (looks like a wedding band though) and my ring was getting sized. He called me his mistress the whole weekend. Also this weekend I saw an old friend who is very conservative and religious and I told her I was pregnant, but I forgot to tell her that I just got married too. I didn't realize until about an hour after I saw her and my sister told me that she did have a disapproving look on her face as she looked at my stomach. Oh well.

7:06 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Eclectic - now that I have the chaps, I really have to try it again.

Jess - Of course you do. And wait til I break out the chaps!

Mr. B - So, I guess you forgot all about our little hand-holding date last September, huh? And I put Jergen's on my hands for you and everything!
*sob*

Susie - Hey, he seemed like a curious fellow, so I was feedin' his curiosity. With a vanilla swirl for dessert.

LadyBug - I thought I was already your little slut girlfriend? Is your memory as short as Mr. B's?

Romani - I'll rent him to you, cheap!

Torrie - gotta have a perfect partner in crime AND comedy.

Dazed - Milkman in heels? I will always think that when I go to DQ now. And do let me know how your little game goes, should you ever try it.

Kitty - Please please do, and then please please report back to us on the dirty looks you get!

Jomama - Isn't that stuff FUN? You mut definitely have the restaurant conversation. Makes peekin' at the people at the next table even more fun.
And your old friend shootin' dirty looks at your belly is priceless. Won't she be disappointed when she finds out you're really married?

7:13 AM, June 29, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG!!! That's hysterical

7:58 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger whfropera said...

BFE - does Jim have any unmarried brothers with his sense of humor? I'm going to laugh all day - thats when you know you're with the right guy - when that whole humor vibe kicks in. :)

8:17 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

(Bucky...honey...ichsnay on the Jergen'say! That was my subtle acknowledgement of those deeLISH days without airing our dirty laundry. You know how I like to keep our panties to ourselves.)(smooches)(and you still have the sexiest cuticles)(aside from my own)

8:19 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Anon - you think that's funny, you oughtta see us naked!

Opera gal - Well, Jim does have a single brother. I think I got the one with the biggest, um, funny bone, though. And laughter is absolutely necessary for me to continue a relationship. 'Specially one with someone who must see me naked.

Mr. B - sorry for bein' indiscreet about the ergens-Jay.

8:34 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

I think the size of the funnybone is at least as important as any other measure of a man.

I loved this story. Another fun one to try: when we were quite a bit younger, my wife and I were travelling. I was wearing a fairly conservative sports jacket and tie with a white shirt. She was in a business suit.

The night before, I had gotten some of those toy handcuffs (oh, grow up, all of you!) and when we'd checked our luggage through, and gotten through what was, in those times, pretty lax (if any) security, I got them out, snapped one cuff on her and one on me, and we walked around cuffed together for the whole time we were waiting for our flight.

We were casual about it, not making a big show - and in fact, sometimes we'd drape a jacket over the cuffs, the way they do. But we were there long enough and the jacket would "slip" often enough so that eventually everybody noticed, and you could almost hear the buzzing in our wake.

I wonder to this day which one of us they thought was the criminal ...

8:46 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Oh, may I offer the caveat that - as I said - this was done long ago in a more innocent time. I'm not sure I'd recommend it nowadays. I imagine the fun gets all sucked out of it if you end up in real handcuffs ...

9:11 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Nilbo, Nilbo, Nilbo...
I'm pretty sure it was obvious that you were the deranged criminal, and your wife the brave, plucky law enforcement chick sent to haul your dangerous ass to justice.

And yeah, present-day security will really put a damper on that little game now.

9:35 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Effie said...

Y'know--there's 11 years difference between me and my hubby and we've often had many looks of disapproval--especially when I wear my hair in a ponytail--now that my sweetie is starting to get some grey hair too--I've never tried the "Does your wife know you're here?" game--although it might be fun....thanks for the idea! That's so funny....
and Nilbo--Oh my!

9:44 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Effie - I highly recommend it. It's the most fun you can have with other people watchin' (uh, with your clothes on).

9:48 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

It sounds like so much fun, I may just have to get myself a younger wife to try it. Line forms to the left, girls.

10:36 AM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

You, Bucky, are a hoot.

12:50 PM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Nilbo - hold me back, you Stud from the Great White North! Wait, I think you need somethin' younger than me. You and I are closer in age than Jim and I are...

Kranki - why thank you! That's the closest I'll ever be to bein' called a Hooters Girl. ;)

1:03 PM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Jeffs place said...

I was buying a EPT test at a local pharmacy. The ole hag town gossip was working the counter. She said "Are you and the wife expecting?" I said "No my girlfriend staying at the comfort inn is late."

2:44 PM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Annejelynn said...

I could do this! my honey-man is almost completely gray - 10 years between us! mmmmm, this could be great fun!

9:06 PM, June 29, 2005  
Blogger Fergul Menhaden said...

You should not dessicrate the sanctity of your marital vows. Implication of matrimonial malfeaseace is a mockery of hte institution and family values. What do you think our Great President would say about your activities?

9:54 AM, June 30, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Jeff - I love it. Always better to give 'em something to talk about over dinner, I say.

Annejelynn - you really, really must try it. It's the most fun you can have witcher clothes on.

Fergul - I think our Great President would say "Hey, there's that little slut who didn't vote for my worthless ass!"

11:09 AM, June 30, 2005  
Blogger Mike said...

This story is particularly amusing to me since I grew up in Rogers City. I think that there might have been an article in the Rogers City paper about this very event...

10:16 AM, July 01, 2005  

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