Because I decree it

Henceforth:

• Thirteen's full name shall be Thirteen Sarsparilla Puffington. Esquire.
  
  
  
  
  
• All farting will happen daily between the hours of 2:00 p.m. and 4:45 p.m. (your local time, so as to stagger the environmental impact) - plan your flatulence accordingly!
  
  
• The new national anthem is She Blinded Me With Science. You are now required to cover your heart with your right hand as you shake your ass.
  
  
• Runway models will be force fed until they begin to resemble actual adult women.
  
  
• For those few of you not already doing so, everyone is now obligated to yell out "Bucky is a love goddess!" at least once during each act of sexual intercourse and/or yanky yanky.
  
  
• Baseball is no longer America's Pastime. Fuck baseball and its dawdling, scrotum-scratching ways. America's New Favorite Sport will be pillowfighting, followed closely by squirrel rodeo (of course there will be chipmunks - who else would be the rodeo clowns?) and cross-country circle jerk.
  
  
• Hair dye elves will now tend to our roots as we sleep. If you say "pretty please" they may see to your eyebrows as well.
  
  
• All enemas will be performed with the aid of seltzer water, because a bubbly ass is a happy ass. Don't you want a happy ass?
  
  
• As She of the Decree, I feel that I should have a staff on hand to assist me with my new duties. Interviews will be held next month for my skeleton crew, with positions including chef, chauffeur, cat stylist, sommelier, masseuse, gardener, fluffer, sharpshooter, cobbler, biographer, nipple rouge application specialist, shaman, and dentist. Also, as of now, the new Secretary of the Boudoir is Kelly Monaco.