the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Frighteningly enough, "Freebird" IS an option

Dear Internet as a Whole,

I always thought the whole "You should never drink alone" line of thinking was perpetuated by prudes with small minds and stick-filled behinds. What's the difference between tossing back a few to yuk it up with your buddies and tossing back a few to yuk it up with yourself? I think I'm pretty good company when I'm drunk, quite the conversationalist, if a little handsy. But Tuesday night, I discovered that a compelling reason to have a friend close by while the wine flows is that you have the safety net of someone there to stop you.

Stop you from what? Whatever. Anything that will potentially mortify you when you sober up. Unless, of course, it's really more fun to let the drunk go on and see what could possibly happen next. That's the stuff of legends. Drunks are fun. When they're not vomiting.

I wasn't puking drunk Tuesday night, but after reading in the tub for an hour with a giant glass of wine, and then washing that down with its twin, I was definitely loose and undoubtedly up to no good. When I say "Tuesday night" what I really mean is "early early Wednesday morning" because this was happening after 3 o'clock. So, obviously, there was no one I could really bother in my state of liquid gregariousness - even drunk, I know better than to wake people up, especially those who have to work in the morning. Don't wanna put my friends and family through the hassle of needing to beat the shit out of me.

So, it was left to me to amuse myself. Luckily, I happen to be very easily amused.

First, I found myself drawn by the allure of Amazon.com. Online shopping while inebriated can be a hazardous activity, but luckily, when the smoke cleared, I had done nothing more harmful than ordering some magnetic poetry. It's always a relief to peek at my inbox when I awaken and not find any confirmation emails for emergency overnight shipping of the complete 12-volume DVD library of A&E Presents: Holy Men's Hemorrhoids - A Mystic Interpretation.

My biggest shame of the night was yet to come.

There was a dangerous combination brewing deep in me, a volatile mix of buzz and boredom. I wandered out into the living room, sat down on my bed, and started wading through the early morning infomercial swamp. I can still hear cheesy steel drums in my head from all the times the Girls Gone Wild promo was shown. There is no mercy in 4 a.m. television programming. Losing patience with the regular channels, I decided to check out the on-demand offerings.

None of the movies looked good to me, and when I tried to pick an HBO show, I found that Charter actually expected me to have a subscription to HBO to view the programs. The nerve! It was slim pickin's as far as I was concerned, and I was on the verge of turning on the PS2 for some all-cheating GTA: San Andreas when I saw...the shameful thing, the thing I oughtn't talk about here, the thing I should never admit unless in the company of a licensed therapist. This definitely falls into the category of "It seemed like a good idea at the time..." And even worse, the people who send me my cable bill will see what I purchased, and they will know I'm a total weirdo, and they will in all likelihood tell everyone they know. How long will it be before the whole world knows? That's why I thought it was just a better plan for me to 'fess up to it right now, get it out of the way, self administer a healthy dose of preemptive shame.

I...I...

I ordered the Karaoke Channel.

Did you know there was such a thing as the Karaoke Channel? I sure as fuck didn't. They sucked me right in with that one. They have hundreds of songs online at any one time, and when you pick one, it plays the musical accompaniment and displays the lyrics onscreen. What kind of dork subscribes to the Karaoke Channel?

This kind of dork, apparently.

If you left your computer right now, pulled your pants up, marched down the hall, fetched a fairly recent dictionary, and looked up the definition of pathetic, I'm pretty sure you would be shown the picture of a wine-soaked fortysomething woman, sitting alone on her bed at 5:30 a.m., singing Borderline and Don't You (Forget About Me) while staring at the TV. See also: Karaoke Channel, losers. At least when I watched those three episodes of General Hospital Wednesday I had company (hi, Squirl!).

General Hospital and the Karaoke Channel. Maybe I should christen the house, like a yacht but with much much cheaper champagne, and call it The Guilty Pleasuredome.

17 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Sorry, bub, but you're way off base here! No, I've never heard of the karaoke channel, but then I don't watch TV. Nor do I go to karaoke, but shit, that sounds damn enticing to me! Makes me want to sign right up! I'm doing Aretha. We can do a duet. We can be Marvin and Tammy, Otis and Carla or some shit. Come ON!

And another thing, I'm gonna e-mail you my phone number this minute, because you can call me 24/7. If I ever slip up and sleep for a couple seconds I wouldn't hear the phone because I keep all of them off but the one farthest from my bed, and I have a noise machine. I don't even hear it if I have music or a movie on, so there.

7:51 AM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

HA! That cracked me up! Just think of it as .... "Party Preparations"...yeah.... you're just getting ready for that housewarming once all your furniture's in, and you wanted to check out the Kar (hang on, still laughing) the Karaok (wait a minute) Karaoke Channel to make sure it would be worth it when the party happens. Because you are nothing if you aren't a self-sacrificing, caring, prepared hostess.
That would be MY cover story. Feel free to use it.

8:20 AM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger thatfarmgirl said...

At least you redeeemed yourself by choosing a Simple Minds' song...

10:03 AM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger ALRO said...

I can just see it now: Paradise by the Dashboard-light and Celin Dion screaming outta your apartment at 3:30am ....

Don't get sucked into Abba!! Don't!!!! You'll feel great shame for years...

10:25 AM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger Charlotte in Pa said...

I think the christening calls for Boone's Farm... or Mad Dog.

1:30 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

I feel so dirty just reading about such a channel. That's almost as terrifying as the Golf Network.

3:47 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger eclectic said...

It could be worse... at least, YOU can sing. There are those for whom the karaoke channel should be by permit only.

3:58 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

I'm packing up the box of wine as we speak, and will be right over. You did say, "Freebird", didn't you?

4:09 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

Sounds like the party is getting going here. We really need a blog karaoke party.

We can save General Hospital for much smaller gatherings.

4:43 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger Brrrr said...

I've never heard of the karaoke channel. That's frickin' hilarious!

7:10 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

I approve of your song selection.
Do you have the microphone?
It's a lot stranger trying to sing over your own feedback.

/would love to hear your version of Ballroom Blitz...

8:30 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger Mike said...

When I first moved to Utah I discovered the dangers of drinking alone because, well, when you live in Utah there is no one to drink with so you are pretty much required to drink alone.

Anyway, as a result of my drinking alone that night, I am the proud owner of some $189.00 music downloading software subscription thingie on my computer that I have no idea in hell how to use.

And they say drunk driving is bad. HA!!

8:36 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger whfropera said...

bone machine - secretly you LOVE it.

7:39 PM, March 16, 2007  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Drunken trollop. I'm totally in favour.

10:16 PM, March 16, 2007  
Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Bucky, in my recent weeks of lonely isolation without even Alex to claw me, I could easily join you in your pathos. However, my wine cellar is in my house with only Alex the cat and he doesn't know where I have hidden the key to the wine. Plus using the damned dial up connection is too slow to allow me to explore very far on the Internet and get into any trouble. Truly pathetic, ain't we?

1:04 AM, March 17, 2007  
Blogger Rhonda~ said...

OK...new stalker to your blog, but have to say you cracked me up!! The funny thing is..I was looking for a picture that I deleted off of my myspace (yes myspace at 36), the picture is "Happy Bitchy Day" and up pops your blog...How funny is that?

I have what I call a date with..."Mother's Little Helper" more than frequently than I like to admit (Diet Sunkist and orange vodka). Not as classy as wine, but I am country as they come, so...what else would one expect? Lord knows I need a little humor in my life, so it works out great...this was the first post I read from the blog, so I am sure I will comment more on your older posts...I can only imagine they are just as entertaining. I have a blog as well, I am sure not as entertaining as yours, but it is what it is! Thanks for the entertainment and the grin! Aloha!
http://ky-girl-trapped-in-hi.blogspot.com/

4:28 AM, March 19, 2007  
Blogger Cerulean said...

Snerk!

10:43 AM, March 25, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home