the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Monday, March 05, 2007

Lazy Bucky's quickies

The fun part will be looking at this tomorrow and thinking, "What the fuck did I mean by that?"

  • I got my first speeding ticket, ever, the day I brought the cats to Grand Haven. We'd already made it into Michigan and I felt like I was in the home stretch. Guess I was kinda driving like that, too, when I saw the state trooper pull out of the median and turn his lights on. I steered into the right lane, and he followed. Well, shit fire. He was a pleasant enough fellow, and when he saw that my driving record was virginal, he ticketed me for 75 in a 70, which would generate no points on my license (unlike the truth, which was that he clocked me doing 84). Seriously, it's a miracle I've never been ticketed before - especially in Illinois, where the speed limit is 65. I regularly zipped through that trip at 85 most of the way. Perhaps I need to amend my lead-footed ways. Or get a radar detector.

  • Now when I want stuff beyond gas-station snacks, I have to Go Into Town. Doesn't that sound country as hell? "I have to Go Into Town. You want me to fetch you another bolt of that fine gingham?"

  • Friday was scrambling down the hallway this morning, and I saw Eeyore (all 18 years of him) race up and jump over him, long ways, and keep running. Fucking jumped over him. I think someone is having a second kittenhood. Also, Friday and Thirteen are starting to figure out what catnip is for. Outta sight, maaaaaan.

  • Today, I gave myself a Major Award:

    Dominatrix leg lamp

    That's right - it's the Dominatrixxx Leg Lamp!

    I have the feeling that if I put this baby in the window, the neighbors won't snow blow my driveway anymore. (Did I mention that my new neighbors cleared my driveway for me after that nasty storm last week? They kick ass.)

  • THE UGLY FUCKING CURTAINS AND VALANCES ARE GONE, ALL OF THEM!


    THE VALANCES ARE GONE!


    They are all currently in a box placed conveniently next to the road, where some nice men in a big truck will take them away tomorrow to be ritually sacrificed, for the aesthetic good of mankind.

18 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Yes to fucking radar detector (how dare you not have one?) and si si to leg lamp and fine neighbors who, hopefully, appreciate said lamp.

As for Go to Town, sheeit, I been avoiding that for years, and don't intend to stop now. That's the beauty of living somewhere folks like to visit. When they can track me down -- which is difficult, cuz I tend not to answer the phone, etc. -- I say, yeah, come on over, but lemme e-mail you my shopping list.....

4:00 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger JD's Rose said...

I. love. that. lamp.

4:22 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

That sound you hear is me softly weeping with relief at the expunging of the ugly valances and curtains. And Eeyore! I'd have given good money to see THAT! Did Friday have a look on his face like, "what the....!"?

6:24 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Wanna arm wrestle for that lamp?

7:21 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger whfropera said...

I have that same bathrobe, except that my mom saw fit to have my f-ing initials embroidered on it.
I can only assume this is in case some finds me wandering around in it out of doors.

8:37 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Squirl said...

LOL, Operagal!

Bucky, I love these "lazy" posts. I would've liked to see Eeyore jump like that, too. Wow!

9:23 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Mike said...

If you average out the cost of the speeding ticket vs. all the times you were speeding and didn't get caught, it is a very small price to pay. It's worth it if you need to get someplace fast.

6:43 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger eclectic said...

Wow! First ticket EVER?? Shit girl, 'bout time you popped your cherry! Congratulations on that, and isn't it nice that he was gentle?

6:57 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Lynn said...

You had ugly valances and curtains, huh? I once moved into a house that had beaded curtains (among many, many other atrocities). Ugh.

8:52 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

Ok, that lamp rocks. And yippee for second kittenhoods. I was in the states this weekend and was sure I'd get a ticket as my speedometer is in Kms and I don't know how to covert to miles. I avoided one but I am sure it was my out of country licence plates that did it. Every american cop knows canadians just can't do the math.

9:31 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Momentarily_Distracted said...

Yay for second kittenhood!
I'm so glad Eeyore is doing well.

9:41 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Amy said...

Great lamp, BG. That wasnt a lazy post at all.

I want a second kittenhood.

2:12 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

The first time in my life I got pulled over was actually while holidaying in the US in '99. I was doing 60-sumfin' in a 40 zone just outside Memphis when I saw flashing lights behind me. My opening gambit was "Officer, I was just following traffic", accompanied by as ingratiating a grin as I could muster. He took off his sunglasses, looked me straight in the eye and replied, "No, Sir. Traffic was following you". Fortunately it went uphill from there. Realizing that I was a foreign citizen in a rental car, driving in a direction that would put me outside of his state in the next two minutes he probably decided it would be less hassle to just let me off with a warning.

I wasn't that lucky two years ago, when I managed to get ticketed twice in a day. I was driving in Serbia, close to the Bulgarian border when I rounded a bend and was waved over to the side of the road by two police officers. Apparently I had missed the sign with the speed limit being 40 (km that is - appx 25 miles). After a bit of fumbling with the laser machine, they showed me I had been doing 57 kph (35mph). In broken English, one of them informed me that the fine would be 1,500 Dinars. I had only 400 on me, but he shook his head and told me that I had to go into this little village just down the hill, and find a bank, and get more money.

Having no desire to confront two armed Serbian police officers, I drove back a few hundred meters and found the town's only bank. One of the women behind the counter spoke some English, but she explained to me that the bank could not take any international credit cards at all, and that the only place in the area that did was several miles away. I pleaded with her to write a note to this effect - in Serbian - and she obliged. There were chuckles all round in the bank office, and I think I provided the day's entertainment for both the employees and the customers present.

I drove back to the two policemen and noticed that a German car had been pulled over and that the driver was now hassled for money. The policeman I had spoken to earlier looked at my note, and grumbled. I pleaded that the closest ATM was a long way back, and that he could have my remaining 400 Dinars. After a while, he shrugged and pocketed my money in his shirt. I never got a receipt, so I suspect it went straight into his pension fund or his college fund or his kill-the-Albanians fund or whatever it is Serbian cops put aside money for.

A few hours later I was driving in Bulgaria, on a four-lane highway of decent standards. I honestly suspect them of keeping the speed limits artificially low just to grab more speeders, because the limit was only 60 kph (37mph). Bulgarians are aggressive drivers, just like rest of the Balkan peoples, and I soon had a big truck almost coming through my back window. Not wanting to be the subject of the headline "Norwegian tourist smashed to pulp in horrible accident", I increased my speed. Around a bend, I was suddenly aware of a police car at the side of the road, but too late. I was waved over to the side. The policeman spoke a little English, and I tried to explain why I was going over the limit and politely pointed out that he had failed to pull over the truck, which was doing at least the same speed I was.

He listened to my protestations with a vacant facial expression that clearly said, "You're a rich tourist and I'm a poor policeman, but when I'm done with you, the difference will be considerably smaller." He started ticking off my violations, with the exact opposite logic I had implied. "Driving fast in front of a truck..." etc, etc. Clearly, there was no point arguing. I gave a resigned sigh: "How much?" He scratched his face, looked at his fingernails and pondered this for a while. "With all these things... at least 20 Euro". Again, the money was immediately pocketed, and no receipt was given. At least he had the courtesy to inform me that I would likely encounter a police car about every 20 kilometers from there to the Greek border, so I managed to avoid more tickets that day.

2:34 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

Shit... that comment got mighty long! Sowwy.

2:35 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Laurie said...

OMG, I adore the lamp!

12:35 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Circus Kelli said...

That is one bitchin' lamp!

9:02 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger cathy said...

Thank god I've found a blog with swear words. I was beginning to think there was nothing but religion and foreign language out there.The lamp is shithot.

5:02 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger PlazaJen said...

Love the lamp.
Love your Jesus look even more. Girl, you need a beard.
(OMG, I need to duck & run. Can't. Contain. Snickering. See what you elicit from me?)

4:45 PM, March 08, 2007  

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