the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Thursday, August 30, 2007

I never promised you a rose garden

The vagina is the ideal environment in which new life can gain purchase. Babies are made there, dreams begin there, the echoes can be deafening there, and was that just a vagina monologue I heard? Yes, the vagina is a mystical, magical, hypnotic garden of wonders, but like any other garden, when the beaten path is beaten no longer, that path grows over.

I have just such a horticultural experiment going on in my panty-clad laboratory. While I've always thought of myself as something of a plant killer, these brambles just won't stop a-growin'! I'm talking, of course, about the late-in-life second hymen. Its existence is a well-documented scientific fact (don't look it up; I expect you to just believe me). Understand that this is a totally accidental overgrowth; I mean, really, do you think I'd plan something like this? But there it is, and here I am, and my new plant friend and I just need to find a way to co-exist until growing season is over. Dear lord, I hope growing season is over soon!

While I wait for the harvest to begin, it hardly seems appropriate for me to refer to it in such an impersonal manner - it's lodged in my vagina, and for better or for worse, that makes us friends for now. At least very familiar acquaintances. As such, I feel as though a name is in order, so that my new hymen doesn't just feel like some twat-bound object.

I'll call it...Barry R.

11 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

Oh, yeah, that's good!

11:57 AM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger MilkMaid said...

Dang it, not fair.

My mid-life growth was mole hairs and graying temples. And you got another hymen....SO NOT FAIR!

12:06 PM, August 30, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you're a born-again virgin. I've heard of this. Be very choosy this time, little Bucky, about who gets to . . . beat your path.

1:30 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger Unknown said...

New hymen or not, Bucky, you'll never convince anyone you're a virgin.

3:18 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

There must be room for a Madonna song in here SOMEwhere.

3:41 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Squirl - I'm willing to sell it to the highest bidder. Or the first bidder. Yeah, probably that.

MilkMaid - I'd trade you if I could. Oh, and I got the grey hair, too.

Susie - I can't afford to be too choosy; sooner or later, no one's going to even want to get near the path.
Oh, and I gotchyer package, just now! Woohoo, thank you!

SSNick - I'm just trying to convince someone that I'm worth a tumble. Definitely not trying for a halo here! :D

Mr. B - Like Jell-O, there's always room for Madonna.

4:59 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger Unknown said...

But, Katy! Of course you’re worth a tumble! Is it yourself you're trying to convince?

7:12 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm sorry...wait...does this mean you're a virgin again!?

Nice.....sign me up...I think.

9:36 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

SSNick - are you goin' all Boy George on me with your "I'll tumble for ya"?

TKW - No, seriously, you DO NOT want this. I'm afraid it will cause backups sooner or later.

9:44 AM, August 31, 2007  
Blogger Kranki said...

You said 'vagina' and 'purchase' in the same sentence. Excellent!

2:41 PM, August 31, 2007  
Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

Kranki - that's right, and it's only $2!

4:19 PM, August 31, 2007  

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