the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Wholesome for the Wholidays

Who says a two-dollar whore can't get all festive and shit?

While I'm not traditionally a Christmas-y person, since working retail at this time of year saps not only my will to live but also my will to allow others to live, I couldn't pass up Susie's challenge to throw my own little Ho-Ho party at the Cotillion. As I was busy assembling letter bombs to send to anyone who has ever recorded a version of The Little Drummer Boy (well, not Bob Seger...I'm just sending him a care package of red-and-green diarrhea for his trouble, because I love him so), the Sugar Plum Fairies started whispering sweet yet slightly odiferous nothings in my ear, and the Ghost of Christmas Present smacked me upside the head with a side of bacon, so here I am.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the trailer
There lurked a hot chick, but I just couldn't nail her.
The condoms were stashed by the nightstand in case
Her vagina had sprouted a schlong in its place.

(Okay, I tried, but that's all I've got, folks. Be glad.)

Favorite Holiday Food

Because it's the holiday season, I love to cook my favorite meals and share them with friends, friends who rarely recover from the food poisoning afterglow. Did you know that I invented a whole new kind of salmonella? Don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm kinda proud of myself for that one.

I'll let you in on a little secret (aside from the fact that I'm currently carrying the wooden love child of Howdy Doody): it doesn't matter what the main course is, as long as it's smothered in my special gravy:

Now, I don't want to give away too much, because I want my recipe to be unique, but I will say that there's a very specific way to gather the main ingredient.

This picture is only a fictional representation, of course; I prefer to use an oversized turkey baster with a board strapped to its ass.

Decorations and Adornment

I know I've said in the past that I don't really decorate for Christmas, but thanks to a link sent to me by HTGT, I've changed my ways this year. In fact, my new favorite consumer product is not only a decoration, it can count as my gay apparel, too!

No, silly rabbits, they're not tiny Christmas trees....they're bejeweled buttplugs! Why? Well, because my anus is quite possibly the fanciest place on earth. Not, perhaps, the most exclusive, but certainly the fanciest. I've always had the urge to use a Bedazzler on my asshole, and now I can have that experience without the unsightly puncture marks.

You can't really tell, but I'm totally winking at you all right now.

Holiday Traditions

I think the holidays are a great time to get together with folks I might not see as much during the year, like that bar of soap I keep meaning to use, so I like to invite all my friends over for modest hootenannies. Maybe I should stop furnishing the alcohol, though, because things always seem to get out of hand in a hurry around here.

Tuck me in, daddy
I thought I asked for these two to be kept in separate orgy rooms.

Lopsided love
I had to slap T-Rex on the pee-pee shortly thereafter. Dick on someone your own size!

They pull me back in!
Scarface agreed with me that it was just plain rude for these two to start getting sloppy on my end table. Use a footstool like everyone else, you guys!

Gollum gets a rim job
Kiss this guy's ass and you'll just encourage him to whip out his Precioussssss.

Happy Holidays
It's a few years old, but the sentiment is still the same. To all of you from the monkey, Mr. Hankey, the Homies, and me!

Addendum: Christmas Music. I'm Totally Cereal.

There's one song I always play on Christmas day, without fail. Anybody who knows me is aware of the fact that I really can't stand most traditional Christmas music (though I've found, through being forced to listen to the Sirius Holiday Music Channel at work this year, that I don't mind it so much if it's instrumental or jazzed up), so my yearly choice is not in any way traditional for anyone but me. My Christmas song is Tom Waits' Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis...and just for you guys, I've found a live version of it where he actually throws in a little bit of "normal" Christmas music (well, as close to "normal" as anything Tom Waits does).

"I don't have a husband...he don't play the trombone."

For those who want to hear the originally recorded version of the song:

17 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Squirl said...

So heartwarming, so traditional, so..... so, wait, I must be talking about a different blog.

I would say you've outdone yourself, but you've done some pretty good (read nsfw) posts before.

Had to be careful as I am at work. And I have to be careful as I'm using a 20" wide aspect monitor. Those butt plugs are just bizarre in that huge size.

3:01 PM, December 17, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the sound of me, opening my mouth to say something, and not being quite sure what, and closing it again. I'll be back.

5:51 PM, December 17, 2008  
Blogger Opera Gal said...

I love that song.

thanks for reminding me again of just how talented TW is.

6:49 PM, December 17, 2008  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

heh, I think I have a new favorite Bucky post.

8:34 PM, December 17, 2008  
Blogger Unknown said...

I love me some jewelry :)

9:07 PM, December 17, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As always, you inspire me to song:

There's a BUTTPLUG
Between me and YOUUUUU
And I don't KNOOOOW
What I'm gonna DOOOOO

Actually, that's not the first song that came to mind. The first was

Twinkle, twinkle
Bucky's hiney
How I wonder
At how shiny!

10:21 PM, December 17, 2008  
Blogger Flying Mermaid said...

Sorry, but the GOOD Tom, the UNotmfuckery, wiped out all your shenanigans, and just left me spittin at how much I love him!

12:24 AM, December 18, 2008  
Blogger WILLIAM said...


with plugs like that, you definitely have the fanciest anus.

5:50 AM, December 18, 2008  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Joan Jett & The Blackhearts also recorded Little Drummer Boy, but thankfully I have been able to avoid it for many, many years. I love Joan (and rock 'n' roll), but I have never understood why they did the song.

Other than a Christmas CD that I assembled a few years ago, I do my best to avoid holiday music and after the CD's creation, I have avoided it too. It's sort of odd that I had forgotten all about said CD and this year, a couple of folks have mentioned listening to it. I don't even know if I have a copy of it myself anymore. I do know that it was rather obnoxious in places (GASP!) with Henry Rollins reading 'Twas The Night Before Christmas with gunfire sound effects, Fear's holiday chestnut - Fuck Christmas, Cheap Trick's Come On Christmas and it likely included a selection from my second favorite holiday disc called Jingle Dogs with the dogs barking out tunes. Tiny Tim's Christmas Album pretty much takes the pole position because not only will it clear a room but it will simultaneously peel the room's paint. I put it in the office CD player a few years ago and the office manager damn near hurdled her desk in order to hit the stop button. I think she would have chewed through the power cable if that's what it took. The only Christmas song that I've given my attention lately is Lemmy from Motorhead's version of Run Rudolph Run with Billy F. Gibbons on guitar. Two of my favorites right there.

Ah, Tom Waits. The name alone makes the heart glow. I noticed that our meager little public library had the Down By Law and Night On Earth DVDs, which I checked out and plan on viewing tonight since I've never seen them.

12:36 PM, December 18, 2008  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Oh dear........

11:59 PM, December 18, 2008  
Blogger eclectic said...

I think I would title this post, "Hole? Some" since there's such a stunning variety of bejeweled accessories. Butt, that's just me.

1:52 AM, December 19, 2008  
Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...


3:24 PM, December 24, 2008  
Blogger Squirl said...

Merry Chreestmas, leetle seestor!

8:37 AM, December 25, 2008  
Blogger here today, gone tomorrow said...

Merry Christmas, bucky. May the retail devils grant you 24 hours away from the customers. Chomp Friday for me.

9:08 AM, December 25, 2008  
Blogger chia said...

Merry Christmas to you and your bejeweled ass.

Hug some kittehs for me!

3:51 PM, December 25, 2008  
Blogger Unknown said...

I see that you put a lot of yourself into this post, darlin'. Still, I'm glad that I dropped by after Christmas. OK?

6:00 AM, December 27, 2008  
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