the Bucky Four-Eyes Cotillion

Saturday, July 16, 2005

One for the money (shot)

When I'm on the road for this long at any one time, I find it practical to bring along fairly large-sized containers of all my grooming products. Yes, I did just imply that I use products. I'm sure I'd make the Queer Eye guys spontaneously combust if they looked in my bathroom right now and saw what I so loosely call "product." What I'm sayin' is, I find it makes more sense to bring a mammajamma bottle of shampoo than to rely on the miniature droplets that hotels so unconvincingly refer to as "free shampoo." I wanna know I have the hairspray I like to use, and I won't have to settle for some crap in a 7-Eleven that makes my whole head sticky. It makes me feel better to know that there will be toothpaste there when I wake up with dragon mouth.

Carrying all these containers of liquids is just fine and dandy until it all has to be crammed in a suitcase that also contains clothing, souveniers, and other things I don't want doused in conditioner. Therefore, I get those 2.5-gallon zip-lock bags, put all the bottles with liquids in it, and try to keep the bag isolated from that which I prefer to stay dry and clean. It's always just been a precaution up until now. This time 'round, I'm very glad that I'm at least prissy about this one thing.

I use a face cleansing liquid which was recommended to me by my dermatologist. I went out and found the Walgreen's brand of the same cleanser, in a bottle twice the size and half the price of the brand he wanted me to buy. So of course I brought it along on the trip, since my face was gonna be here, too.


I've found that this bottle comes open with little provocation. More than once, it has leaked onto the other contents of the bottle bag, and it looks like nothing so much as a jizz-o-rama gone horribly out of control:


I've had to wash the shampoo, and the conditioner, and the deodorant, you get the idea, more than once since I left home. I think it heard that it was gonna be used for a facial, and, well, it got the wrong idea.

That money shot was half price.

20 of you felt the overwhelming need to say somethin':

Blogger Amy said...

HA! They could use that stuff in adult films, that way the 'talent' would get cleansed regular-like.

I am a huge fan of the big Ziploc bag. It's great for so many wonderful things.

2:30 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Nilbo said...

Gotta say, the volume is impressive. At that rate, it would take no time at all to fill one of those cups they give you when they want a sperm sample. Took me almost a week to fill mine.

2:40 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

You've stumbled upon one of the oldest , most effective gags in the clown book. Prank semen is always a hoot. Over in the big top you'll find it on toilets, shot onto walls, etc.

Sometimes when the wife and I don't feel like getting it on, we spray some of that stuff around and eliminate the middle man.

I know one clown that put it all over a bunch of children's clothing before dropping it off at the Sal Army. Some people just ain't right.

3:21 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Kitty said...

So why do we spend so much on the cleanser when the real-deal-facial is so much more natural? Tri-glyceride phosporate my ass! I can milk out better!

That was just wrong. I'm sorry. I needed the laugh Bucky - believe me.

4:13 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Amy - I wouldn't be surprised if this has been used in porn. Of course, now they can make computer-generated jizz that is far superior in volume and velocity.

Nilbo - Wow. Um, how big was the cup?
Is this part of telling my fortune?

Schmootz - so there's hope for me ine scary clown arena?

Kitty - We all know mother nature's facial is overall better for the skin. It's just how much crap you're willing to put up with from the owner of the facial fountain.

4:21 PM, July 16, 2005  
Anonymous dazed and confuzed said...

Oh Jesus, Bucky. There's so many places I could go with this post. My mind's in a whirl...why oh why do you DO these things to us?

Reminds me of an old Bette Midler joke (a la Sophie Tucker). "I caught my boyfriend Ernie abusing himself one day and said "ERNIE! Save that until we're married!" I came home a few weeks later and caught him abusing himself again. I said "Didn't I tell you to save that until we're married?" "I am", says Ernie, "I got a quart and a half so far."

4:28 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Danielle said...

I do the same thing;that is put everything in ziplock bags instead of using the nasty hotel stuff..

5:13 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger song said...

first it's idle tallywhackers now face-wash-jism. You should camp out away from home more often Bucky! this stuff is priceless.

5:32 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Susie said...

Cetaphil? The Walgreen's is the same as Cetaphil?
I hate it when a jizz-o-rama goes horribly out of control.
I LOVE "always after me Bucky charms." LOVE. IT.

6:34 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger Torrie said...

That last picture is dir-ty.

7:12 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger LadyBug said...

So much to do with that post, and all I can think is,

Seal the face cleaner in its own bag, then put that bag in with the other stuff. (That way, if it spills, you only have to clean up that one bottle.)

Geez, I'm such a friggin' domestic tonight.

11:29 PM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger eclectic said...

Aye, and a bonny wee lass ye are, Bucky! O'course they're always after your charms!! ***end Irish brogue imitation***

I can't believe Walgreens sells store-brand jizz. Is nothing sacred?

1:55 AM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger Squirl said...

The trick here is to splurge one more time on the good stuff. Then you buy the cheap shit and put it into the more expensive brand container. Who's to know?

Bucky charms, eh?

2:02 AM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Dazed - Sophie Tucker...Bette Midler...filthy women, all. I don't know what would make you think about them on my completely wholesome and Google-worthy site.

Danielle - I'm sorry, but the tiny squirt of cheap shampoo hotels dole out is just not enough for all my hair. The only exception I ever found was a place I stayed in Atlanta that stocked Bath and Body Works shampoos and soaps in the room. I didn't even use a full bottle of that stuff.

Song - I think travel makes me punchy. Dig your new site design, by the way.

Susie - yup. Same ingredients as Cetaphil. I ceta bargain, so I went for it.
I was feeling particularly stupid when I came up with the new design. I really do think travel makes me punchy. Glad you like me Bucky charms!

Torrie - I posed the bottle just for your edification. It's my homage to Nilbo.

LadyBug - DOH! Here's me overlookin' the obvious again. Someone clearly needs to kick my ass into consciousness and/or sentience here.

Eclectic - it's the same Walgreens that had a table full of Nips candy with a sign that read: "Nips! Nips! Nips! Mmmmmmmmm"
By the time I got back with my camera, alas, the sign was gone.

Squirl - I suspect the brand-name jizz and the store-brand jizz are all harvested in the same spunk factory anyway. It's all about the packaging.
Yep. Bucky charms. Because I'm so fuckin' charming. *belch*

11:25 AM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger SierraBella said...

First it was emu jizz, and now this... can't wait for the next installment!
Run, Jim, run!

11:59 AM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Bucky, you've done the unthinkable. You've put Sucky Packaging in Sucky Packaging.

tsk, tsk, tsk

12:41 PM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Sierrabella - there's no use in Jim's running. I'll just get him in his sleep.

Mr. B - Don't two layers of suckiness negate each other? That's how I learned it in physics class.

4:11 PM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger Mr. Bloggerific Himself said...

Uh, no. What you have is a phrase that Bone Machine relies on: "2 of shit, is shit."

6:56 PM, July 17, 2005  
Blogger Schmootzie said...

Did you notice that the label says "non-comedogenic" yet you've managed to milk substantial comedy from the product?

3:20 AM, July 18, 2005  
Blogger Bone Machine said...

Sure, bring me out of lurking in the blog grassy knoll.

"Two of shit is shit...and if they really wanna fuck ya, they'll give ya three." --Dennis Miller

5:04 PM, July 22, 2005  

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